ROM (1979) #72

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Oh, is Rick Jones green and fat as a superhero because he’s supposed to be “hulking out?” Mantlo never made it clear in the writing.

I think I’ve tried to read Rom before and failed. This issue is better–and Rom-free–than the last one I tried. Maybe because Ditko draws the Beyonder like Gene Simmons with a jheri curl. It’s so atrocious one can’t look away.

Mantlo actually gives a lot more thought to the Beyonder than Shooter does in the regular Secret Wars II issues and I’m sure if Mantlo had written that series, it would have been better.

I’m not saying, obviously, this comic book is any good. It’s actually pretty damn lame. It’s just a better characterization. But only of the Beyonder. Rick Jones is beyond lame in this comic (I didn’t even know he was in Rom)–he’s never even seen Pinocchio.

Big yawn.

Alpha Flight (1983) #28

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You know, Alpha Flight? Not bad. I’m always somewhat loathe to compliment John Byrne (he draws Guardian’s wife like a whore, by the way, there’s something about redheaded white Canadians in boots and glasses, makes them look like whores), but he manages a team book pretty well. I had some trouble keeping up (did Marvel market Alpha Flight to U.S. readers or was it just their Canadian book?), but managed.

The ending’s dumb (the Hulk shows up from another dimension), but until then, it’s decent.

The opening, featuring the defeat of the Omega Flight (they’re the bad guys) by some guy from Gamma Flight, is solid too. Byrne’s art’s not, but his writing’s okay here. It’s a long scene with some good fighting and some good banter between the bad guys and the good guy (from Gamma Flight) out to stop them.

Goofy Beyonder cameo, but Byrne draws him well.

Dazzler (1981) #40

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I didn’t mention it in the previous Secret Wars II response, but is Dazzler always a loose woman or is she just being written as a loose woman for the Secret Wars II crossovers? Shooter handled it better, but here, Goodwin points it out and it just makes her look cheap.

On to the art, however. Dazzler’s comic is, from a storytelling standpoint, incredibly disappointing (she’s on the run–to turn herself in for jumping bail–and a bunch of redneck psychic pillagers on motorcycles are after her). Oddly, the cover shows the motorcycle thugs as youthful and punk; the interior shows them to be freakish and middle-aged.

Anyway, I had no idea Paul Chadwick did mainstream books. He’s okay. His Beyonder, for example, looks like a soap opera star and Dazzler’s kind of boring looking. Guice’s cover is better than the interior art (which he inked).

It stinks.

The Avengers (1963) #260

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I know people love The Avengers, but I never really got into them. I think I read West Coast as a kid, but I don’t know. Probably. I probably did.

Anyway, this issue reminds me more of Star Wars (one of the second two prequels mostly) than it seems like what an Avengers comic should be. It’s all very interstellar and, well, boring. The Wasp comes off badly, which I found interesting. I always thought she was supposed to be cool, but here there’s definitely something nasty about her.

But none of the Avengers are really the main characters in the issue. Firelord isn’t an Avenger and he opens the issue. Starfox is an Avenger? He has the next most to do, but only because he can tie in with the Skrulls and the space battle bad guy.

I am completely indifferent to it.

Funny outfit on the Beyonder though.

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #312

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What a goofy comic book. It’s the Hulk’s origin again (I’m not sure if it’s the first time the abusive father has been included but I imagine Mantlo came up with the idea of Thunderbolt Ross destroying Bruce’s childhood stuffed animal). It’s the origin with Bruce’s father abusing him and murdering his mother (this issue is, as I understand it from cursory research, the first to include that retcon); it’s also an origin I don’t particularly like….

Overcomplicating the Hulk is always a mistake (just look at Ang Lee’s Hulk) and involving the Beyonder in a Secret Wars II crossover is lame, unless the Beyonder just fixes him.

Mignola’s artwork is more mainstream than I’m used to seeing from him but he does a good job of showing how awful everything is around Bruce.

It’s a depressing comic book and somewhat pointless.

The Hulk is best when he’s smashing something.

Daredevil (1964) #223

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Jim Shooter co-wrote this issue (the first Secret Wars II crossover I’ve noticed him work on) and it shows. There’s a lot of idiotic nonsense about the Beyonder trying to buy the world legally. Of course, what lawyer to go to for help? Matt Murdock.

This issue might be my first Mazzucchelli Daredevil and, I have to say, I’m disappointed. It’s sort of Marvel style, but it’s also very retro. It looks like an old romance comic at times. The art’s fine and good and all, but I was expecting it to blow me away, it being Mazzucchelli after all.

The story itself is affecting, as Daredevil gets his sight back, but it’s way too short. Mazzucchelli creates some amazing moments, but they only last a page. If they’d stretched this one out to two issues, something, it would have been better.

Still, it’s an excellently produced comic book.

Fantastic Four (1961) #282

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You know, when John Byrne said Hispanic women with dyed hair looked like whores or whatever, I figured he knew how to draw Sue Storm to look like a chick instead of a John Byrne dude with a crappy haircut. I grew up on Man of Steel so I think I always gave Byrne a bit of the benefit of the doubt, but his work on this issue of Fantastic Four is terrible.

I mean, his figures and his action are fine, but his faces? Johnny Storm looks more like a kid than Franklin Richards. Franklin and the Power Pack (wow, if that doesn’t sound like a gay porno, what does?) appear to be dwarfs of approximately forty-years of age. It’s laughable. And Franklin hanging with a tough-looking My Little Pony? Whatever.

The writing’s way too expositional and the issue seems, well, “decompressed.”

The dialogue’s pretty lame too.

Deadpool Team-Up (1998) #1

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People read this crap? Deadpool‘s the stupidest comic book character I’ve ever read and this might be one of the worst comics I’ve ever read. A gaggle of drunken rhesus monkeys would write a better comic book. Seriously, Marvel prints this crap–and people who want to be taken seriously still work for them?

But let’s skip the narrative content here and instead concentrate on the artwork. The artwork is absolutely atrocious. It looks like a less talented Scott McDaniel, which is a stretch. It’s Pete Woods; it’s beautiful, wonderful, I love him, Pete Woods. And he’s awful. He does the cartoon-influenced McDaniel crap without the enthusiasm (like that sly complement, enthusiasm doesn’t suggest any actual skill or talent) McDaniel infuses in his crap.

I’m trying to think of a comic book I’ve disliked more. I mean, I’ve probably read worse ones, but not by much.

What incredible garbage.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1963) #268

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This issue reveals Ronnie is not, as it turns out, in bed with the Kingpin. He just contracts him on special assignments. If Marvel had any real nads, they could do Kingpin owning Blackwater. But whatever.

Ron Frenz draws a good Spider-Man comic. Not sure what I think of him overall, but this issue had a lot of good, iconic Spider-Man action without feeling like Frenz was going for homage. It just felt right. And his facial expressions are fantastic.

While DeFalco does everything he can to make Spider-Man a non-character in his own title (it feel like the Kingpin gets more page time), it’s all very competently executed. DeFalco’s writing about the event, with Spider-Man being a participant, not protagonist, but whatever, it’s a fine comic book.

It never occurred to me eighties Spider-Man might be worth a look; this one suggests it.

Web of Spider-Man (1985) #6

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No doubt about it, there’s some good stuff in this issue–it’s all about the government (Ronnie Raygun in bed with the Kingpin–how did that one fly in the eighties?) dealing with the Beyonder turning a building into pure gold–but can Fingeroth overwrite thought balloons or what? No one ever stops thinking about what they’re doing. It must take them forever to walk, thinking each step out.

But Fingeroth’s approach, the realism, it actually makes one think for a bit. Sure, his dialogue is overblown and so on (I mean, really, in the Marvel Universe, is a building of solid gold really going to change the world economy . . . one would think the Hulk would crash the stock market with a sneeze), but it’s definitely thoughtful.

It’s a tedious read in a lot of ways, but it’s definitely ambitious in quiet, good ways.

The art’s a complete mess, however.