The Avengers (1963) #266

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So, in this Secret Wars II epilogue, the Molecule Man finally gets a happy ending. And since Shooter isn’t writing it, Volcana’s just a dim bulb, instead of being the target of endless misogyny. There’s also an (early?) example of She-Hulk tramping around, picking up Hercules in the conclusion of the issue.

But the Silver Surfer frames the whole thing and I wondering if Stern realized how perfect it was to use him, an alien observing the possible end of the planet. Regardless, it’s a nice move. This issue might be better than every other Secret Wars II crossover issue–or close, anyway.

I’m a little perplexed how the Wasp managed to be a popular character for so long, since she’s such a vapid twit. And can anyone tell me if the Black Knight and Captain Marvel get together? They should, but I don’t care enough to read more.

Fantastic Four (1961) #288

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Strangely, the John Byrne Beyonder does not look like the standard John Byrne male. No idea why he chose to do something different. Maybe it’s just the eyeshadow. Maybe he started with the Byrne male and then the eyeshadow ruined it.

It’s an utterly goofy story, however, featuring some mind boggling continuity turns–the Dr. Doom in Secret Wars is from the future, this issue in fact, when the Beyonder creates him and sends him back in time to Secret Wars. What’s not clear is how there’s a different Dr. Doom. Maybe it is clear. He possesses someone (who is the standard Byrne male) and there’s some story to that event but I zoned out.

The Wasp also appears, which doesn’t make any sense to me. Reed babbles a lot, which is the norm, right? It’s still not clueing me in to why people love the Byrne Fantastic Four though.

The Uncanny X-Men (1981) #203

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I’m banging my head against the wall trying to figure out this question–how the heck did Uncanny X-Men sell? I mean, Claremont’s writing is the wordiest drivel I think I’ve ever read in a mainstream comic book, possibly because he refuses to shut up. He writes on and on in his exposition, on and on in his declarative dialogue. It’s just endless.

Unfortunately, the Beyonder doesn’t kill all of the X-Men this issue and I really, really, really wish he had. They’re all obnoxious and whiney. Only Storm comes across as less that a complete twit and only by a hair. Everyone else spends the issue having personal revelation after revelation.

I always mocked X-Men comics without having read them. Having now done so, I just feel sorry for myself. These fifteen minutes are never coming back.

And apparently Romita Jr. could never draw. Art’s awful.

The Avengers (1963) #265

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Wait, hillbillies don’t know who the Avengers are? The things I learn reading Secret Wars II crossovers….

This issue features–finally–the scene where the Beyonder reveals his body is just a modified copy of Steve Rogers’s body. Well worth reading thirty issues for that non-moment in comic history.

Otherwise, Stern seems to be doing his best not to emphasize the silliness of the crossover, which isn’t the same thing as the comic book good. Instead, there’s bickering between Hercules and Namor. It goes on for pages, actually, maybe the entire first half of the comic book.

Then the Avengers attack the Beyonder and they get beat up and he has a bunch of idiotic dialogue (did it hurt the more capable Marvel writers to write such drivel?), then the issue ends.

I like the Black Knight and Captain Marvel. They aren’t annoying like the rest of the cast.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1963) #274

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The Beyonder and Mephisto place a bet on Spider-Man’s ability to sacrifice his personal wellbeing for others. How stupid a storyline is that one? It’s Spider-Man. The character’s entire premise is based on his personal misery.

It’s a mess of an issue, as the Secret Wars II crossovers are clearly straining the entire Marvel line at this point–the issue features more Beyonder than Spider-Man and more Mephisto than Beyonder. It’s inexplicable why this issue is even worth publishing, since it’s a done-in-one amidst a huge crossover (the status quo is returned at the end, with the possible exception of Peter Parker worrying about Christmas).

The art’s awful too–with four pencillers and three inkers. I like DeFalco’s work in general (or have on the previous two issues of Amazing), but there’s almost nothing going here–except the repeated assertion Peter doesn’t love Mary Jane.

The New Mutants (1983) #37

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While I’m loathe to say anything nice about Chris Claremont, especially in an issue where he apes dialogue from Little Big Man to show how conscious he is to the plight of Native Americans regarding the John Wayne cavalry movies, he almost does a good issue here.

Well, maybe not. I mean, the Beyonder’s still idiotic, but he’s torturing the superheroes here and, while Claremont’s got some lame characterizations for them, the Beyonder’s really freaking evil. It makes no sense in context of the initial Secret Wars II stuff, but whatever. It’s nice to read this book and not be dreading every moment, especially given Sienkiewicz’s far more traditional artwork this time.

I don’t know what else to say about the comic. Usually, I can just rip on it, but this issue–oh, the She-Hulk cameo was dumb. So was the cop not knowing what the Avengers were called.

Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man (1976) #111

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As far as lame battles go, I think Puma vs. Beyonder–actually continuing it–is about as lame as you can get.

Maybe it’s just Priest’s writing (The issue credits Priest, online says Peter David wrote it. Hmm. Who’s really at fault?). I usually like it, but here it’s tired. Between the blabbering thought balloons (for every character) to Peter Parker man-slutting*, it’s just a mess.

The art might add significantly to the pain–I know it made me hurry through the comic so I could stop looking at it. Buckler’s inks are by the bullpen and it hurts. Though his pencils aren’t wowing to begin with.

So a c-list character duking it out with the lead of an enormous crossover event?

Spider-Man’s barely in here.

The New Defenders (1972) #152

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Um. I never read The New Defenders so I don’t really know what the deal is with this issue, given it’s the final issue and it resolves a bunch of New Defenders stuff–is Valkyrie still dead and was Manslaughter supposed to be gay? I also didn’t know there were so many X-Men in the New Defenders. Where are all the regular Defenders? You’d think they’d make an appearance.

It’s a double-sized issue, which works, from a plotting standpoint. The issue never feels rushed. The Secret Wars II crossover is idiotic.

The real surprise is the Don Perlin art. I didn’t realize he worked into the eighties. I’d sit there and read it and be shocked by the awful artwork, then remember it was Perlin. The art’s awful, something the cover tries to hide.

It’s okay, I guess, for eighties Marvel, but I’m not the one to ask.

The Uncanny X-Men (1981) #202

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Say what one may about Romita’s artwork, but damn if he doesn’t draw the cutest little feet on the Beyonder the last issue? Does Secret Wars II really boil down to penis envy?

Similarly, even with Claremont’s awful writing–he really thought he needed to explain Cerebro to readers in an endless expository thought balloon–he does pack the issue. It’s a chore to get through it, because it’s so lame, but it’s a packed issue. Lots of thoughts, lots of action, lots of dialogue. Though I don’t know where Nightcrawler went. He wasn’t in the big battle scene.

The more I read Secret Wars II and its endless tie-in issues, the more it’s clear what dumb ideas Shooter had for it. Seriously, they could have left the Beyonder alone–he doesn’t really do anything this issue to provoke an attack from the “heroes”–they’ve decided to preemptively strike.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1963) #273

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I probably grew up on Tom DeFalco’s Spider-Man and never even knew it. All I think of when I hear the name now is Spider-Girl and that’s about it. I guess I did read another DeFalco Secret Wars II crossover Spider-Man issue and the result was me thinking I should read more.

This issue just cements it.

The issue mostly follows Puma–I’d totally forgotten about Puma, Marvel’s attempt at some Native American sensitivity (strange how comic book companies used to worry about these things and now, with the lovely internet, can’t do a thing without getting attacked by fans)–on a loony quest to kill the Beyonder.

DeFalco’s got so much going in this issue, it’s impossible not to call it a soap opera. How anyone kept up–how I kept up as a kid–is beyond me, yet I’m familiar with lots.

It’s quite good.