Yay, it’s finally over.

I have no idea what happens in this issue except a bunch of superheroes hang out in the Rocky Mountains, fight the Beyonder, talk a lot, and look sad at the end.

Shooter appears–he doesn’t even reveal what the Beyonder’s final plan was going to be–to be aping 2010 (the movie) and a little of 2001 (the movie), only set in the Marvel Universe. There’s even this strange set-up for the New Universe, but I guess Marvel never directly said it was a result of this series.

The art’s really bad, from the layouts to the close-ups. No one could have thought this issue looked good–when all the heroes group together, it’s just lame. They’re moping around, not active.

The Beyonder does a video diary at one point, which makes absolutely no sense. Shooter also writes him some really stupid monologues.

So the Beyonder got all bent out of shape because of his failed encounter with Puma… (Puma was supposed to kill him, according Puma’s tribe’s legends) and spends this entire issue moping. Oh, he gets in a fight with the X-Men–unfortunately he doesn’t kill them, which doesn’t fit, since he’s enraged and that Rachel Summers is really annoying. He teases Molecule Man a lot and that situation gives Shooter a chance to get in some more of his misogynist writing in regards to Volcana.

Then he argues with Spider-Man. Then something else happens, then something else.

What’s funniest about the comic is how Shooter clearly doesn’t have anything to do but he’s got to get another issue published (no surprise, the major guest stars are the X-Men and Spider-Man, Marvel’s two biggest dollar draws).

The whole thing stinks, but this issue is a new low.

The Beyonder sits around this entire issue. What fun. Mephisto plots against the entirely passive Beyonder–who doesn’t even speak a full paragraph until the final two panels–while the Thing is basically the main hero in the issue.

Not surprisingly, Shooter doesn’t discuss Mephisto’s apparent homosexual relationship with the now-male Death. I guess Mephisto hasn’t checked the groin area yet or just doesn’t care.

There’s a really strange sequence with the Molecule Man presumably knowing a third of the galaxy is about to be destroyed–including his freaking girlfriend–and plays Trivial Pursuit (poorly) instead.

Milgrom’s artwork here is occasionally funny. There’s Mephisto about to cry (why does he have a costume, should the Devil be wearing a costume), there’s the Beyonder either looking like a white Michael Jackson or just some burly chick… Lots of fun to be had.

Wow, only two more issues to go. Whee!

The issue ends with the Beyonder trying to “forgot” this chapter in his experiences; if only the reader were so lucky.

Besides featuring all of the cosmic–sorry–conceptual beings (along with an introduction to each), it’s the Beyonder plays superhero and turns it into a business. It’s all exceedingly lame, except at the end when the Beyonder has to bring Death back to life, going from a female who’s been around since the beginning of time to some lame reporter creation of Shooter’s. Shooter never gets into it whether the conceptual beings, next time they get busy with their “lover” Death, will now be gay?

Milgrom’s art is real sloppy this time around; maybe the deadlines were getting to him.

Secret Wars II is almost over and I think I’m safe saying it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read. Shooter must’ve thought Marvel readers were brain dead.

This issue the Beyonder takes over the world only to release it when he realizes how borrowing ruling the world can be. It’s like a sitcom. I can’t believe Shooter thought he was doing a reasonable job. Again Shooter does pace the comic really well–lots of time passes, lots of stuff happens–but the story itself is so lame.

What’s worst about the issue is how noneof it matters. By the end of the comic, everything done has been invalidated (the Beyonder, beyond being able to mind control the entire planet, can also erase memories). I’m sure Shooter’s point was to show the Beyonder learning something, but having him do it in a Saturday morning cartoon version of the gritty New York streets (pleasant pimps and hookers with hearts of gold abound, not to mention the kindly crime boss).

Or am I giving Shooter’s artistic ambitions too much credit?

Could Al Milgrom’s art be any more boring? Shooter fills the issue–I can’t believe it’s not double-sized given the amount of content–with a bunch of nonsense, but he’s at least competent at filling those pages, but Milgrom’s artwork’s beyond lame. He’s got all these different characters to draw and he does the most standard job possible on them. His Captain America’s particularly weak.

It’s hard to decide the issue’s worst feature, but Shooter’s desire to show superheroes in everyday situations (Cap flying coach) certainly comes close–ignoring, of course, everyone knowing the Beyonder is Molecule Man, not just Molecule Man, who has a lot of Beyonder-like superpowers.

So what’s the best part of the comic? The “villain” for the issue is pure early eighties DC one appearance wonder–some pissed off writer going after capitalism. It’s hilariously awful.

This issue isn’t even a good toy commercial.