Penelope (2006, Mark Palansky), the family-friendly version

Between film festival premiere and eventual U.S. release, Penelope went from 104 minutes to just under ninety, apparently to get a family-friendly PG release, which makes sense since it’s based on a kids’ book. Except it’s not. Leslie Caveny’s screenplay is an original, meaning some of the film’s problems no longer have reasonable excuses.

Penelope is about twenty-five-year-old Christina Ricci. She’s a blue blood who lives in a fairy tale land. And she has the nose of a pig. Her ancestor threw over his pregnant maid girlfriend hundreds of years ago and married rich. The girlfriend killed herself and her mom, the town witch, cursed Ricci’s family. It just took hundreds of years for the curse to go active—the first female born will have “the face of a pig” until “one of her own kind” loves her.

Ricci’s parents are Catherine O’Hara and Richard E. Grant. Grant’s playing an American. Most of the Brits play Americans. Penelope’s urban fairytale land takes place in a British Manhattan. Maybe it’s in the universe where the U.S. lost the revolution and the American elite suck up to the British–much better movie.

Sadly, O’Hara’s not playing a Brit. It’d be hilarious. She’s the overbearing mom who wants Ricci to get married so she no longer has a pig’s face. Except Ricci doesn’t have a pig’s face, she has a pig’s nose–and pig-ish ears. We never see the ears. Will Ricci break the curse with true love from pauper James McAvoy or moneyed love with loathsome Simon Wood? Will it even matter?

Part of the gag is anytime a prospective bachelor meets Ricci, upon seeing her face, he runs away. The only one not to run is McAvoy, first because he doesn’t see her, then because he’s… transfixed. I assumed Penelope was based on a kids’ book because the only way the story makes sense is if, in the book, Ricci’s actually got a pig face. Then the story’s about some dude loving her for the real her, which has the added texture of Ricci and O’Hara’s most frequent repeat conversation being about how Ricci isn’t really herself until she loses the nose.

Except. It’s just a big, pushed-up nose. It’s a prosthetic. It’s not like it moves around. It’s not like it’s not well-kept. The movie also misses a really obvious opportunity about Ricci’s first kiss, though maybe in the original cut, there’s another one.

Ricci tries her best to act without being able to use half her face, thanks to the prosthetic. Her eyebrow work is phenomenal. Though there’s nothing she can do with the part, not with the writing, her costars, or the directing.

Besides Ricci, the best performances are Reese Witherspoon (who produced Penelope and, given selling her production company for a billion dollars, clearly got better at it after this movie) and Peter Dinklage. Witherspoon’s not bad, but she’s not successful either. I’m not even sure—in the ninety-minute cut—Penelope even passes Bechdel. It definitely doesn’t because even if Witherspoon has a name when she meets Ricci… Ricci doesn’t have a name because she’s incognito. Witherspoon’s in it for a couple scenes.

Dinklage is bad.

He’s just not as bad as everyone else. O’Hara’s in a similar position to Ricci, except with an unlikable character. She’s just the overbearing mom. Grant and McAvoy are atrocious. They’re both doing American accents, and they’re both terrible at them. Sometimes when he’s quiet, Grant seems like he’ll be good when he speaks (he isn’t, but seems like it). McAvoy’s consistently atrocious.

And then there’s Simon Woods as the British blue-blood who runs away from Ricci and then teams up with paparazzi Dinklage to out the freak in the newspapers.

Penelope has a minor newspaper subplot and doesn’t even know how to do newspaper printing montages. Director Palansky is full-stop incompetent. With the actors, with the composition, with the tone, with okaying the montages. Even a slightly better director would’ve helped immensely. Palansky’s only good moments are because his crew isn’t wholly inept.

Someone could’ve gotten some hash out of Penelope—no pun (though there are endless pork-related puns in the film, and none of them are funny, and we never even see how they affect Ricci because it’s so poorly done). But not Palansky. Not without a profound rewrite. You could even keep the cast (maybe not Woods).

Or just give Ricci something where she gets to use the brows.

I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK (2006, Park Chan-wook)

I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK gets some points for not wrapping things up with a neat little bow, but they do little to offset the film’s more significant issues. Cyborg’s got a lead performance problem and a stakes problem, something the film tries to avoid acknowledging, which ends up creating an infinite loop.

Im Soo-jung is the titular Cyborg. She’s not really a cyborg; she’s just got schizophrenia, inherited from her grandmother. The film opens with Im at work—a radio factory—where she cuts herself open to put in wires, which mom Lee Yong-nyeo sees as a suicide attempt, not a wireless communications upgrade, and has Im committed. The opening titles cut between the factory scene (which, in hindsight, is probably just Im’s imagination) and Lee explaining the family history to doctor Choi Hee-jin.

For the first act, Cyborg pretends doctor Choi might be important. She is not. She spends a large portion of the film “dead,” which makes no difference to the plot whatsoever. The first act also pretends the other patients in the mental hospital are important. They’ve all got quirks, which the film first uses to introduce them to Im, but soon become leading man Rain’s introduction too. He’s the only unattached male for Im’s new girl in the ward—there’s a love triangle elsewhere, but it’s unimportant—so, of course, they’ve got to pair off. Let’s not get into whether or not Im’s capable of consenting to the physical relationship Rain wants. If he’s not a nice boy, Cyborg gets a whole other (and entirely valid per onscreen events) bent.

Anyway.

Rain’s guy thinks his mom ran off because of him, and no one can convince him otherwise. While Cyborg’s at its most accessible in the first act with the other patients, it’s at its best when Rain is learning how to care for Im. Im only did the radio installation in her arm to get hospitalized so she can track down the white suits who took her grandmother away. Because she’s a cyborg, and she’s going to kill them.

The film’s got a few imaginary sequences with Im going full T-800 on the hospital staff, which is where director Park really flexes. But, unfortunately, they have no bearing on the film because Im doesn’t have any character development, so they’re just ephemeral tangents. They don’t even set the mood for the third act, which is a full romantic drama, as Rain realizes he’s the only boy for Im and feels the weight of responsibility.

If Rain had an actual backstory, it might be a good character arc. Instead, it’s the best Cyborg can offer.

And then there’s Im.

She gives an accomplished quirky performance in the lead. Except there’s nothing else to it. She thinks she’s a cyborg and is trying to figure out how it’s okay. The film’s got a very epical arc involving Im needing to eat; only cyborgs don’t eat. The script’s also got some obvious timeline problems. But then it’s also got Im either fantasizing about her adventures with Rain or Rain fantasizing about his adventures with Im. I think the ultra-violence and body horror is supposed to distract from those details, but… again, they’re just red herrings.

Good special effects and good music (Jo Yeong-wook). Park’s direction is solid, if occasionally tedious. He and co-writer Chung Seo-kyung drag Cyborg out in all the wrong ways. Five minutes of backstory for Rain would’ve made a big difference.

Still, Rain’s a solid lead, Im’s sympathetic, and the film’s usually charming. Monotonous but charming. Cyborg’s got its ups and downs, but it’s OK.

X Isle (2006) #4

X Isle does not astound and get good this issue.

But, there were a few times I was actually impressed. The comic’s got terrible dialogue and middling plotting, but artist Greg Scott’s occasionally able to transcend the dialogue and make the action work. There’s a dinosaur versus human fight this issue, and some of it’s played for laughs.

It doesn’t end played for laughs; it ends played for cruelty because the ship crew—Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the sidekick, maybe Michael Biehn as the captain (or whoever would’ve been a Biehn-type in 2006 when they tried selling this as a movie)–are assholes and the bad guys.

But it’s a good dinosaur fight scene. Scott does an excellent job breaking out the action. Unfortunately, he does a hilariously bad job just a few pages later. See, last issue, the good guys (who are looking for the annoying college coed daughter) found a spaceship, and this issue explains the spacecraft and the island and the monsters and so on. But the bad guys aren’t with the good guys, so the bad guys don’t know about the spaceship.

Sam Jackson, Tim Allen, and the coed’s love interest are exploring the spaceship, and they think they’ve got it figured. It’s like a zoo spaceship, and it crashed, freeing alien creatures from across the galaxy on one island on planet Earth. No sign of Christopher Pike and Vina yet.

There’s a terrible gory action sequence in the ship. Someone covered in blood, someone gasping a last noise. Even if it weren’t for the script, Scott’s art would still be accidentally hilarious. It’s a comedy beat with a gore death.

If the rest of the comic followed suit, great. Sadly, it doesn’t.

Then at the end, the coed returns to whine, and I’d forgotten how badly Michael A. Nelson writes her dialogue.

Frankly, not much hope for the next and final issue with her back. But, whatever, almost done.

X Isle (2006) #3

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I was three-quarters of the way through the issue before I realized why it’s so much better—in addition to Greg Scott getting to do daylight jungle scenes and weird creatures—it’s better because the scientist’s daughter isn’t in it. She’s been kidnapped by parties unknown; her dad, her love interest, and Sam Jackson want to go get her; Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Jack Black, and Michael Biehn-type don’t want to go get her. They’re going to argue about it for at least two too many pages before they split up.

It’s a strange case of absence improving: writers Andrew Cosby and Michael A. Scott aren’t any better at the dialogue this issue; there’s just none of the horrible missing character. Kind of going to be a bummer when they rescue her because you can’t let Elisha Cuthbert die off in a summer movie.

(The comic’s from 2006).

A lot has to do with Scott’s art. He uses shadowy figures in long shots so he doesn’t have to draw them, and it’s an unsuccessful device, much like his photo-referencing. Scott should’ve just cast everyone like Sam Jackson and the Rock; at least then, he keeps the characters distinct. The bland white guy (Tim Allen?) dad and the bland white guy love interest look pretty much identical. So much so I think the colorist gets them confused at one point.

But the jungle backgrounds and the monsters are fantastic. The story might break out better to a comic this issue, though there’s at least one scene Scott can’t figure out how to do. He’s got problems with chase scenes as well, probably because of the shadowy figures in long shot business.

It’s a far better issue than I was expecting. I hope at least Scott’s upwards trajectory continues. No way the writing can hold once the obnoxious daughter’s back.

X Isle (2006) #2

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Well, I figured out the secret of X Isle’s seemingly full issues: no transitions. The action cuts ahead minutes, hours, across miles. Writers Andrew Cosby and Michael Alan Nelson do the whole thing in quick summary, which gives the impression of content regardless of their actual success.

This issue has the first casualty, a kidnapping, a big twist, and some character moments. Not character development precisely because the characters are paper thin. Sam Jackson will make the Black scientist guy work in the movie, the Rock for the first mate, and so on. A few times, it looks like artist Greg Scott is photo-referencing Tim Allen for the lead. Tim Allen as a scientist. I mean, sure.

The comic’s selling point is the art. Scott’s graceless when it comes to transitions, not just between scenes in a montage sequence but between panels in an action sequence. But he’s got several decent panels. X Isle’s a very moody book; most of this issue takes place at night, in the perilous jungle. Half the issue there’s a rain storm, which contributes even more mood though not any rain-related action.

The dialogue’s almost entirely atrocious, with the comic avoiding the science of the terrifying tropical island with its monsters and so on, but it avoids all the character stuff too. There’s definitely supposed to be character stuff—Tim Allen’s daughter, who’s easily the worst written character, falling for his lab assistant. But then Sam Jackson gets jealous the assistant gives her a foot massage. They should’ve had Sam Jackson looking directly into the camera and mumbling some Pulp Fiction quotes.

I wasn’t expecting much from X Isle but it’s not even clearing that short bar. However, to borrow a frequent phrase from the comic, it is indeed fascinating to see how the summary pacing works.

X Isle (2006) #1

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X Isle is a mildly interesting remnant of the aughts; when indie comic book companies no longer tried to make it with licenses to genre franchises or old toys, but when they tried to get movie deals, presumably repurposing movie scripts or pitches into comic books. It worked a few times. But no one ever turned X Isle into a movie.

The comic is mixing “Lost” (a recent phenomenon at the time) with Jurassic Park and, I don’t know, The Abyss or something. It’s kind of a pitch for a Roland Emmerich movie; it’s not Spielberg, it’s a Spielberg knock-off; it’s not James Cameron, it’s a Cameron knock-off. The artist, Greg Scott, is nice enough to base a few of the characters on working actors to give you an idea of who might get attached. There’s a part for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson back when they might’ve been able to get him (though he never really did supporting parts). There’s a very prominent part for Sam Jackson—in the most interesting twist, the white people get outwardly racist to Sam Jackson and then say it was the heat. X Isle forecast academic Karens quite well.

The female lead sometimes looks a little like Rachel McAdams, but I might be projecting. Sam Jackson’s a hundred percent intentional, the Rock, I’d say fifty-fifty, Rachel McAdams; it might just be photo reference.

The McAdams character is a scientist’s daughter. She’s given up her European vacation to hang out with her busy dad, who’s on his way out into the ocean hunting mysterious, recently discovered sea creatures. Sam Jackson’s another scientist. The Rock’s the first mate. The captain’s Michael Biehn from The Abyss but probably a different actor. Not sure about McAdams’s bad dad, who ignores his daughter. Of course, the daughter expects his devoted attention when there are actual real-life monsters. The comic’s got exceedingly bad dialogue; it’s either exposition or quippy. The racist white lady’s a combination.

Scott’s art is pretty decent, though, and the comic does move incredibly well. Somehow writers Andrew Cosby and Michael A. Nelson (I assume Cosby wrote the script or treatment and Nelson adapted) get the pacing right. I kept expecting the comic to end, but they keep getting in more and more scenes.

I’m not sure what the deal is with the title: no way anyone sees X Isle and doesn’t think X-Men.

Batman: Year 100 (2006) #4

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Despite an exceedingly dull finale, a disappointing motorcycle chase sequence, and numerous pointless teasers, this issue ends better than it begins. The first scene is Batman 2039 trying to convince one of his allies he’s not the problem, he’s the solution. There will be a similar sequence at the end for another character, who can’t decide if they should trust him, but there’s at least action going on somewhere else juxtaposed for that dilemma. Unfortunately, the opening one is just talking heads, and all of it’s boring.

It resolves with Batman finally meeting up with Jim Gordon via hologram, and they agree to work together. Gordon knows the federal cops are lying about Batman, so he trusts him. Gordon’s also just finished reading his grandpappy’s file on the original Batman and now knows all the secrets of the proverbial Batcave. Should Gordon’s knowledge of these secrets affect how Batman 2039 treats him? Yes. But creator Paul Pope saves that “reveal” for the last few pages when he finally gives some clues to the Bat-Man’s identity. Sort of.

If Pope did Batman: Year 100 because he was trapped in a contract with DC for a Batman comic and decided to just bullshit his way through it with references and reveals, it wouldn’t be any different than what he came up with. Instead, after three issues of teasing the Bat-cycle, Pope does the issue’s only notable action set piece around it, and it’s boring. Not just the story parts of it, not just the writing on the chase and the twists he gives away or the twists he forecasts, but the art. It’s a boring Paul Pope motorcycle chase scene. I never wanted to see that kind of thing. Icky bad.

The finish has Batman explaining the comic's plot to the bad guys, at least one of whom knows the comic’s plot, but Pope’s been keeping it from the reader. So Batman’s gonna explain it to everyone, including Gordon, who’s a wallflower because he’s got nothing to do. The idea of him having something to do was a red herring; Gordon’s even less important to the comic than Batman’s sidekick… who apparently has never heard of Robin before. Except, you know, the sidekick’s name is Robin.

Maybe he thought the kid in tights was named John Blake or something.

In addition to the boring action and tedious exposition, the character writing is bad. It’d be better read without any reflection, just the feeling of minor disappointment; examining all of Pope’s fails through the comic is depressing.

Pope doesn’t even come up with a good finale, visually speaking. It’s humdrum. They should’ve at least hired him a ghostwriter, though maybe writing it was part of the deal. He wanted to guarantee no one would ever think Batman: Year 100 could’ve been a good idea.

It’s a sixteen-year-old comic, and I still want my six bucks back.

Batman: Year 100 (2006) #3

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Year 100 started with Jim Gordon (named after granddad) not knowing anything about “The Bat-Man of Gotham” and thinking it was an unlikely urban legend in the first issue to revealing he was the warden of Arkham Asylum. And it was filled with super-villains. And then he let the federal police kill them all, getting his job at Gotham PD as a reward.

Wouldn’t you want a good reward for allowing such a thing? Not, you know, being the last good cop in a corrupt dystopia?

Gordon does his confessing to the doctor lady, who was helping Batman 2039 with his federal morgue break-in but turned off comms to patch up Gordon. At multiple points during their scene, it seems like he’s going to say something meaningful or revelatory, but instead, he just says, “wow, Batman’s real, huh,” repeatedly. Or at least twice.

Considering he spends the second half of the issue at granddad Commissioner Gordon’s cabin upstate looking at pictures of the old Batman, this current Gordon didn’t know there was a real Batman because he had his head up his ass. Especially since he knows all the rogue’s gallery’s names.

So dumb.

It raises the question—did DC editorial not care about a better script because it’s Paul Pope or because they knew no one cared about a Batman comic being good, actually. Or even sensible. Also, the comic seems to be reversing course on the continuity to Frank Miller, instead implying Batman’s a series of guys, like James Bond actors or something.

While Gordon’s on his information quest, Batman 2039 is getting into major fights with the cops, who lock down the city after he escapes again. Unfortunately, it’s not a particularly great escape sequence. There’s a fight scene with a psychic cop, but it’s boring, and every time the story’s begging for some gorgeous Pope art… Pope instead cuts to Gordon discovering something or having a pat epiphany.

The issue’s also got a lengthy talking heads sequence where the angry doctor lady yells at Batman for being irresponsible, but Pope doesn’t want to give away any details about the characters, so the argument’s pointless. It’s noisy, it takes up pages, and there’s nothing else to it.

Obviously, there’s some good art in the comic, though the new “Batmobile” (the Batcycle, like, come on, it’s a motorcycle, it’s not a mobile) is disappointing. Pope put a lot of thought into the design but not into what the thing might do.

The comic feels incredibly slight—with only one issue to go—and I’m remembering why I almost immediately forgot Paul Pope ever did a big Batman project.

Batman: Year 100 (2006) #2

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About a third of this issue is talking heads. First, it’s unnamed Batman 2039 and his team—including a new Robin, who starts the issue working on a bitchin’ motorcycle for Bats—talking through what led up to last issue’s issue-long chase sequence, and then it’s cop Gordon and his gang looking through the archives for information on “The Bat-Man.”

Both sequences are strange, though for different reasons. The Batman one because creator Paul Pope is trying to avoid doing any character introductions and instead focus on their conversation about the dead cop and Batman’s inability to remember enough details. It’s a briefing with occasional personality (usually from Robin 2039). It’s not interesting, but it’s also not grating like Gordon’s sequence.

So the Gordon sequence. They’re going through the archives—remember, last issue, no one had any idea there was a “Bat-Man” a hundred years ago, and even the modern incarnation was a surprise to Gordon. In Year 100 continuity… Detective Comics #27 is in continuity, something something something in the sixties in continuity, The Dark Knight Returns is in glowing continuity. Then maybe something from Dark Knight Strikes Back. I didn’t read Strikes Back so I don’t know if it’s what Pope’s talking about. The most attention goes to the DKR stuff, which means in Year 100 continuity, Batman in Dark Knight was at least seventy, not fifty-five or whatever. Also, Zorro would be out.

It’d be better if Pope weren’t just overtly winking and nodding to Frank Miller. But, it still wouldn’t be good. No one knows about there being a Batman in Gotham City for eighty years because the records were destroyed. It also means no one in Gotham in 2039 remembers anything from twenty years before. Seems like mass amnesia would have more repercussions.

The other two-thirds of the comic are action procedural. Gordon goes to the crime scene to see what the federal cops are lying to him about; Batman breaks into the federal cop morgue to look at the guy he supposedly killed.

Exquisite art on all of it, though obviously better on the action. Pope doesn’t make the talking heads sequences interesting visually; he matches the monotony and tediousness of the dialogue. Appropriate, but also, why do the scenes if you’re not interested in doing the scenes. Especially since the first issue established Year 100 can run on pure adrenalin. Contriving reasons to be reticent during exposition dumps….

The second half of the comic does a lot to redeem the first, though it’s clear Pope doesn’t actually have a good story, which is foreboding given there are two issues to go.

Batman: Year 100 (2006) #1

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This first issue of Batman: Year 100 is an all-action issue. It’s the future, so people can get around pretty quickly, including federal cops flying around in, I don’t know, hovercraft. Helicopter cabins without rotors or skids. But the future’s also got its low-tech; the first sequence has a pack of police dogs chasing “The Bat-Man of Gotham” across the rooftops. They’ve got retina cameras to make them futuristic, but initially, it’s just a dog pack chasing the vigilante scene.

Actually, it’s too bad creator Paul Pope doesn’t show how the dogs operate on the rooftops. I’m sure it’d be awesome.

Because even though there’s minimal story, barely any characters, and the most writing comes in the opening and closing “news” briefs (courtesy future Reuters) on the front and back inside covers, Batman: Year 100 is divine. It’s forty-eight pages of detailed, thoughtful, exuberant Pope art. Who cares what it’s about.

The issue sets up Bat-Man a little; he’s been in Gotham long enough to make an ally with the police coroner, but copper Jim Gordon doesn’t know anything about him. The comic’s set in 2039 (a hundred years after Detective Comics #27), and the previous century’s Bat-Man has become an urban legend. No one even believes the new one exists until he gets caught on the various cameras; a federal police officer has been killed, and Bat-Man is the prime suspect.

The comic does get to the investigation. It starts with the dog chase, then a people chase as the federal cops descend on a Gotham building, and cuts to the federal cops in Washington having a slightly comedic bicker session, freaking out about the situation. Lots of great expressions from Pope in that scene. It ends with a special cop being called in, Tibble. That special cop doesn’t hunt Bat-Man yet; he just gives Gordon shit because jurisdiction tropes.

So Pope is, you know, building a narrative. It just doesn’t matter as much as the action. The comic’s about the rush of reading it, of experiencing the movement in Pope’s panels as the Bat-Man and the story hurl forward. Like the opening chase sequences, the issue’s a race, with Pope trying to maintain momentum until the last panel.

I read Year 100 when it came out and remember it being a disappointment overall, but damn if this issue isn’t a thrill.

Oh, and the José Villarrubia colors are gorgeous. The whole thing’s gorgeous.