Small Soldiers (1998, Joe Dante)

I remember liking Small Soldiers the first time I saw it. I was wrong.

This time watching it, all I could think about was how Dante and DreamWorks studio chief Steven Spielberg ignored they had a terrible script.

Of course, Dante still does a good job. He has a fantastic Bride of Frankenstein homage, which brings up the target audience–along with the action figures being effectively voiced by the Spinal Tap and Dirty Dozen casts.

The casting has some problems. Kevin Dunn plays Gregory Smith’s father (prepping for Transformers in the distant future no doubt) and he’s really bad. Dunn’s usually good, but his character is just too terribly written for him to work with it. All of the characters are terribly written–except maybe David Cross and Jay Mohr’s characters, who are disposable and funny.

Smith is supposed to be playing a problem teenager–it’s never explained why, but presumably has something to with Dunn’s bad parenting. Smith and Kirsten Dunst are supposed to be fifteen–too young to drive–and they show the real problem. Small Soldiers is a kid’s movie made by people who don’t know how to dumb it down enough.

Dunst’s actually okay. Denis Leary does his schtick. Phil Hartmann’s great. Wendy Schaal is wasted. Dick Miller’s got a good part. Ann Magnuson has some excellent scenes.

It works best as a showcase for outstanding practical and CG effects. Thinking about the movie just hurts one’s head, especially when they get into the science.

0/4 ⓏⒺⓇⓄ

CREDITS

Directed by Joe Dante; written by Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio; director of photography, Jamie Anderson; edited by Marshall Harvey and Michael Thau; music by Jerry Goldsmith; production designer, William Sandell; produced by Michael Finnell and Colin Wilson; released by DreamWorks Pictures.

Starring Gregory Smith (Alan Abernathy), Kirsten Dunst (Christy Fimple), Phil Hartman (Phil Fimple), Kevin Dunn (Stuart Abernathy), Ann Magnuson (Irene Abernathy), Wendy Schaal (Marion Fimple), David Cross (Irwin Wayfair), Jay Mohr (Larry Benson), Dick Miller (Joe) and Denis Leary (Gil Mars).

Starring Frank Langella (Archer), Tommy Lee Jones (Chip Hazard), Ernest Borgnine (Kip Killagin), Jim Brown (Butch Meathook), Bruce Dern (Link Static), Sarah Michelle Gellar (Gwendy Doll), Christopher Guest (Slamfist / Scratch-It), George Kennedy (Brick Bazooka), Michael McKean (Insaniac / Freakenstein), Christina Ricci (Gwendy Doll), Harry Shearer (Punch-It) and Clint Walker (Nick Nitro).


RELATED

OTHER FILMS DIRECTED BY JOE DANTE
OTHER 1998 RELEASES

Daredevil 98 (April 1973)

This issue Daredevil fights a guy whose power is creating optical illusions. Instead of just kicking his butt, Daredevil falls victim to the optical illusions. It’s like Steve Gerber doesn’t realize Daredevil’s actually blind. His powers might make it seem like he can see… but he can’t. Unless I’m missing something.

I mean, I had no idea Matt Murdock once lived in San Francisco with Black Widow. The domestic side of the issue is actually pretty nice. Gene Colan and Ernie Chan take a lot of time on the San Francisco setting and Gerber writes Matt and Natasha reasonably well together.

Sadly, the scenery is the best part of the art. Colan’s figures are incredibly bulky–I’m assuming it’s Chan’s inks–and while they’re still fluid in movement, they look silly when motionless.

Gerber also makes Daredevil really personable. He’s practically Spider-Man he’s so personable.

It’s mildly charming though.

Aquaman 3 (January 2012)

This issue opens with a flashback. The content is fine, but the art is goofy. It’s to indicate the flashback, but it doesn’t work.

Otherwise, Johns is really impressing with Aquaman. He even manages to bring the joke aspect back, but matures it a little. Someone accuses Aquaman of being a glory hound looking for a good reputation. Johns handles it quietly, with Reis showing the full effect of the statement. Reis mixes the emotive quality of the story with the action. It’s impressive to see.

Again, Johns writes a great relationship between Mera and Arthur. It’s a great married couple adventure, with Mera never taking a secondary role. Even though it’s her first time to the surface or whatever.

Johns really just seems to get how to do this comic book and one aspect of that understanding is having Reis.

It even manages to be disturbing (carnivorous sea monsters).

CREDITS

The Trench, Part Three; writer, Geoff Johns; penciller, Ivan Reis; inker, Joe Prado; colorist, Rod Reis; letterer, Nick J. Napolitano; editors, Sean Mackiewicz and Pat McCallum; publisher, DC Comics.

Ka-Zar the Savage (1981) #34

Ka Zar the Savage 34 crop

The cover proclaims this final issue as a “collectors’ item.” Until the epilogue, it’s unclear why. In an amazing turn, Ka-Zar and Shanna end up in the League of Cancelled Marvel comics, or something along those lines. It’s pretty funny.

Too bad Neary’s art is awful.

Otherwise, it’s a silly sci-fi issue with Ka-Zar being the savior of these human hostages in an interstellar prison camp. They’re being drained of adrenaline, which makes them unlikely to revolt. But, of course, Ka-Zar does.

Oh, and Shanna’s pregnant. Not sure if she ever gave birth… it’d be awesome if it was Peter Parker’s kid.

Anyway, the series comes to a lousy end. For these Carlin, Neary and Fingeroth issues, one could never guess the series was once good, much less sublime.

Oddly, Carlin’s explanation of the aliens is decent. Or, at least, unpredictable.

But unpredictability doesn’t make up for the rest.

Ka-Zar the Savage (1981) #33

Ka Zar the Savage 33

Carlin’s destruction of the series seems to be complete now. In this issue, he reduces Shanna to a helpless damsel. He’s got Ka-Zar running around thinking about how he’s going to save after she falls victim to an absurdly drawn out incident.

But this moronic event occurs halfway through the issue, until then it’s just Shanna being a stupid female, ignoring her obviously smarter man.

For the first couple pages, it almost looked like Neary’s art was improving. It doesn’t, however. I’m just trying to think of good things about the comic. This issue ends with a note from the editor announcing its cancellation. Strangely, the editor, Danny Fingeroth, takes no responsibility… and he really should. The series has gone, albeit slowly, to pot since he took it over.

There’s one nearly good moment, with Ka-Zar and Shanna watching “television.” The punchline’s cute. It saves the comic from being entirely worthless.

Ka-Zar the Savage 34 (October 1984)

Too bad Neary’s art is awful.

Oh, and Shanna’s pregnant. Not sure if she ever gave birth… it’d be awesome if it was Peter Parker’s kid.

Anyway, the series comes to a lousy end. For these Carlin, Neary and Fingeroth issues, one could never guess the series was once good, much less sublime.

Oddly, Carlin’s explanation of the aliens is decent. Or, at least, unpredictable.

But unpredictability doesn’t make up for the rest..

Blackhawks 3 (January 2012)

The art combination of Nolan and Trevor Scott is hilarious. Nolan did all right before, so I guess Scott’s not particularly good at “finishing.” The lady with the eye patch changes bra sizes about nine times throughout the comic, but her hand remains bigger than her torso throughout. And the silver-haired Blackhawk commander changes age multiple times in a scene.

Speaking of the commander, why doesn’t he do anything? Mocking the art is easy and fun because there are some awful panels, but the real problem is Costa. He can’t even tell a joke.

He can, however, rip off Alien 4 for one of his plot details. Or maybe it was Alien³….

There’s also a wasteful interlude with two kidnapped Blackhawks members. Only none of them are distinctive except Patch Girl (the biggest G.I. Joe rip-off) and Silverhead, so who cares?

Makes me wish craptacular was a word.

CREDITS

Writer, Mike Costa; penciller, Graham Nolan; inker, Trevor McCarthy; colorist, Guy Major; letterer, Rob Leigh; editors, Chris Conroy and Mike Marts; publisher, DC Comics.

Ka-Zar the Savage 33 (August 1984)

But this moronic event occurs halfway through the issue, until then it’s just Shanna being a stupid female, ignoring her obviously smarter man.

There’s one nearly good moment, with Ka-Zar and Shanna watching “television.” The punchline’s cute. It saves the comic from being entirely worthless.

Ka-Zar the Savage (1981) #32

Ka Zar the Savage 32

Reading Carlin’s Ka-Zar is watching a series collapse on itself. This issue does have Marie Severin doing these wonderful imaginings of Ka-Zar and Shanna as a sitcom married couple. Those scenes, totally pointless and unbelievable, are awesome.

Otherwise… it’s awful.

Carlin turns Shanna into a ninny and a little of a harpy. She doesn’t trust Ka-Zar’s judgement because Ka-Zar’s dumb, remember? Carlin just amplifies all the textures of her personality (under Bruce Jones’s writing) until she becomes unbelievable.

The major incident with this unbelievable behavior regards Ka-Zar’s brother, who’s a villain and has a goofy mustache and dumb name. But he’s got an accent so Shanna’s going to believe him? It doesn’t seem likely.

But the plot also requires Ka-Zar to be really stupid and unobservant.

Carlin’s whole approach seems to be making the protagonists morons so they’ll fall for his bad plot ideas.

Neary’s bad art doesn’t help anything.

I, Vampire 3 (January 2012)

Sorrentino’s artwork is so good on I, Vampire, it makes one want to like the comic more than one should.

Fialkov has a couple nice little details here–he introduces this teenage girl who hunts vampires and, while it’s not just derivative in essence of “Buffy” but also Kick-Ass a little, he does it well. Unfortunately, these two good moments come amidst some terrible writing.

This issue, Fialkov introduces the protagonist’s best friend. Only, the best friend is now the protagonist and Andrew Bennett (the “I” in I, Vampire) is now the subject. And the best friend’s narration is awful.

It’s awful enough to be funny and homoerotic enough to be interesting. Is DC quietly trying to launch a gay Twilight? Or did Fialkov just learn how to write male narration from Jeph Loeb.

Either way, Sorrentino gets to draw a variety of things. The art saves the comic.

CREDITS

Numb; writer, Joshua Hale Fialkov; artist, Andrea Sorrentino; colorist, Marcelo Maiolo; letterer, Pat Brosseau; editors, Wil Moss and Matt Idelson; publisher, DC Comics.