What If…? (2021) s01e03 – What If… the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?

What a profoundly stinky stinker of an episode. And not just because the writing is terrible (script credit to A.C. Bradley and Matthew Chauncey), the animation is sparse and cheap, and Lake Bell does a terrible job voicing Black Widow. Because everything about it is bad. Down to the villain reveal. “What If… the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” is about three fateful days in 2010 when Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk and Thor 1 are all happening simultaneously—whoever thought that bad idea need realizing was wrong—except someone’s killing all the mighty heroes.

Now, the episode opens during a scene in Iron Man 2. Samuel L. Jackson’s back—Jackson puts in way more of a voice performance than the animation deserves, especially when there’s a semi-Matrix fight scene with him and you wonder if someone got him and Larry Fishburne confused—but Bell’s voicing Black Widow (one assumes Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t have been back even if she wasn’t suing Disney for what amounts to sexual discrimination) and not great actor Mick Wingert is playing the Robert Downey Jr. part. Luckily it’s a brief performance because the scene ends with Iron Man dropping dead and Black Widow in custody.

Except Sam Jackson knows she’s good, so he breaks her out and gives her the mission to find out what’s really going on. She interrupts a scene in The Incredible Hulk; Mark Ruffalo plays Ed Norton’s Bruce Banner, and Stephanie Panisello plays Liv Tyler’s Betty Ross. Panisello’s worse than Bell, which is saying something, but the animation on this part of the episode is the cheapest, so it’s having an increasingly negative effect. Plus, the writing’s terrible, and the sequence is boring, and they couldn’t convince William Hurt to do a half dozen lines. So instead, Michael Patrick McGill fills in as the general hunting the Hulk, and… well, McGill’s not William Hurt.

At the same time, Jackson’s trying to avert an alien invasion of Earth without having to use his Captain Marvel beeper because you know Brie Larson’s not showing up, so Bell’s on her own.

It’s a silly, lousy episode with some really cheap moments. Not narratively cheap. Even though the whole thing ends up based on a twist reveal and one too close to DC Comics’s Identity Crisis wavelength—because if DC’s not going to adapt their material, Marvel’s fine using it. But visually cheap. The animation is of the “too cheap to be taken seriously” variety. Disney+ didn’t even give them enough money to get through ninety minutes without the cash running out. What a gem.

I guess… kudos to Jackson for holding it together? No one else is anywhere near as professional. Clark Gregg sounds like he’s literally phoning it in. Tom Hiddleston shows up for a bit and does a little better. But only a little. Jeremy Renner seems held hostage. And is Jaimie Alexander trying to sound British?

You know who’s actually just fine this episode? Jeffrey Wright. He’s got the least amount of lines ever, and it works for his performance.

What If…? (2021) s01e02 – What If… T’Challa Became a Star-Lord?

This episode of “What If” answers the burning question… what if Guardians of the Galaxy hadn’t been an attempt to reach the blandest white bread audience in the Marvel Universe? What if they’d hired an actually charming leading man instead of Chris Pratt? And, as I’ll never pass up an opportunity to diss the worst Chris, he doesn’t show up for this episode. Many other Guardians vets show. Including Josh Brolin—because the story affects Infinity War—Benicio Del Toro, who’s delightfully played as an anime villain, and Kurt Russell.

John Kani is back from Captain America III as Black Panther dad, who apparently doesn’t get killed off in this universe.

The episode opens with a rehash of the Guardians intro, but here Djimon Hounsou is very impressed with Chadwick Boseman, who has turned the intergalactic gang the Ravagers into a band of Merry Men (in the sort of most appropriate white way possible they identify Boseman’s character with Robin Hood instead of finding like a real African hero). Boseman can reason everyone down from violence, including Brolin, who doesn’t destroy half the galaxy instead argues academically about it like any good classical liberal.

It’s fun. Some of the action sequences are a little long, and since it’s a heist narrative, writer Matthew Chauncey apparently felt obligated to throw in some ruses and red herrings. Not to mention the ending steals the episode away from Boseman, which is a particular dig since they then dedicate it to him in the end credits. Probably could’ve made it work with him getting to finish it out and still had the suck-up to white male mediocrity.

Would it be fun without being Boseman? Probably but it definitely wouldn’t hit the same. Michael Rooker’s all right. Gillan’s good. Brolin’s fun. Hounsou’s hilarious. I wish he’d get to have so much fun in live-action sometime. And, again, Del Toro’s good. There’s also a not long enough Seth Green is Howard the Duck scene; it’s still unclear if the bit has any potential. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be funny, but they’re trying to delay that evaluation.

As the narrating Watcher… Jeffrey Wright’s less annoying than last episode.

The strangest part of this one is the seeming admission it’d have made a better movie the first time around this way.

What If…? (2021) s01e01 – What If… Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?

One of the joys of an old What If comic was seeing how the epilogue played out. Spider-Man ends up with eight arms and eating New York, whatever. The show’s apparently not going to do interesting epilogues because they want to bring in big-name guest stars from the major properties.

So instead of Hayley Atwell getting a character arc as she gets to imagine her Captain America part being more than “the girl with asterisks”—though the story still centers on Steve Rogers—it’s just a rehash of that movie. There’s a second-act twist—Atwell’s Captain Carter (not Britain?) gets the magic MacGuffin away from the bad guys—but they just get it back in time for the Cthulhu-inspired finale. Which takes place in an evil Disney tower. Captain America: The First Avenger was before the Disney deal and before Kevin Fiege cut out the Marvel Comics brain trust slash penny pinchers, so this “What If” is also some insight into what they’d do differently today.

Instead of laser zappers so there’s no blood, the Hydra agents have regular guns, but there’s still no blood because they’re Captain Carter fodder. And the Black guy in the Howling Commandos isn’t as present or visible.

And then there’s the voice casting. First off, Jeffrey Wright’s lousy as the Watcher. I’m not sure what the Watcher is supposed to sound like (I imagine helium voice because it’s funny), but Wright’s ostensibly in the Orson Welles or James Earl Jones vein. Forget Rebel Alliance and traitors, Wright can’t even muster whirled peas. Thankfully he doesn’t narrate the whole episode.

But then there’s the regular cast. Since Steve Rogers is still a main character and Atwell showed for all Chris Evans’s outings, maybe he’ll show up for her? Nope, can’t literally phone in a performance (versus metaphorically phoning in a performance like Bradley Whitford or Sebastian Stan). Atwell’s fine. Josh Keaton—filling in for Evans—is mostly acceptable. The dialogue’s not great, neither is the sound editing, but there are occasional flashes of inspiration. One of the Nazis Atwell punches out makes a Disney villain punch-out face, for example.

And the Nazi Disney castle.

Disney+ is targeting fewer quadrants with “What If,” so they’re doing it on the cheap. It’s not just the animation, they’re not even willing to pay for graphics for the end titles. I guess it’s interesting to see return-on-investment realities hit the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Disney pays for less and less, but… damn, isn't the real question–what if Marvel did right by its long-time female stars?

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e10 – Théâtre des Vampires

Something about the episode having three credited writers (Sam Johnson, Stefani Robinson, Paul Simms) foretold it being a grandiose season finale. I can’t remember there being another episode with three writers. It’s got to be big.

And it’s big. It just takes a while to get there.

The episode begins with Kayvan Novak waking up to find familiar Harvey Guillén has abandoned him. This Guillén dissatisfaction subplot came back a bunch last episode—to the point I wonder if some of the interview footage is done in a different context than scenes are shot in—and it’s the season finale so it seems like an appropriate plot.

Fast forward a week and the vampire house has fallen into complete disarray. Matt Berry gets bored while feeding and sends victims away while Natasia Demetriou is just leaving corpses everywhere. No one has any clean clothes because no one knows how Guillén cleans them.

Well, except Mark Proksch who decides to use that knowledge to his advantage because eventually it gets to a crisis point when the house gets a coveted invite to the Théâtre Des Vampires. They need to get gussied up and it’s not going to be easy without any clean clothes.

Meanwhile, Guillén is adjusting to his new normal and finding out he may have left some important things behind. There’s a lot of reference to Guillén’s vampire hunting throughout the season. No other episode has ever balanced Guillén’s season two stuff so well and he’s not even active in a lot of it; though he does end up getting the big set piece.

Great direction from Kyle Newacheck. There’s a nice surprise cameo and then some absolutely inspired writing. And then the performances. So good. Guillén finally gets to let loose in scenes with his regular costars and there are some great Proksch moments (including some meta-commentary on him being underutilized last season).

It’s so good.

And the setup for Season Three (it’s already been renewed, thank goodness) is perfect.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e09 – Witches

This episode is the “What We Do in the Shadows” equivalent of a dick and fart joke episode. Literally in the former’s case—the episode’s about a coven of witches kidnapping Laszlo (Matt Berry) because they want his immortal seed. Turns out they use vampire semen to stay young. Witches, I mean. The show hasn’t gotten to what the vampires use it for.

Anyway.

It’s an all-action episode, opening with Harvey Guillén check-in; while he’s appreciating getting breaks and a day off, he’s not thrilled with his life as a familiar anymore. He’s floundering (weird how the vampire hunter stuff has been dropped). But then we get right into the witches. Berry’s out tending his topiary garden when a goat appears and then he gets zoomed up. When the rest of the house goes looking for him, they realize what’s happened—because Berry’s wife, Natasia Demetriou, is constantly on guard for witches to be causing mischief and now she’s finally validated—there are witches about causing trouble.

Once the gang’s all together—they bring along Mark Proksch because the show’s realized more Colin Robinson, less vampire hunting (not a bad conclusion)—but Kayvan Novak finds himself similarly captured just as easily as Berry. So while they’re tied to racks with the witches getting them ready for the extraction, Demetriou, Guillén, and Proksch are trying to escape their imprisonment in the witches’ den. An incense shop is a front for the witches’ den. It’s a good bit.

There’s a lot of funny jokes in the episode, right up until the end, and it covers for it being something of a blah storyline with the witches. It’s very tidy, which is fine (because it’s so funny), but it also feels a lot like the episode’s just relying on the cast to sell whatever even without much of a plot. And the cast can do it, because it’s “Shadows.”

And it’s better than the previous episode, though similarly lost.

But they had an amazing run of winners this season, so even with Witches as the penultimate season two episode… the show’s in great shape. Also, Lucy Punch as the main witch… I mean, she’s fine… but she’s not good enough they shouldn’t have stunt cast.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e08 – Collaboration

Traditional sitcom writer team—seriously, IMDb them (“Frasier” and “Newsradio”—Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil contribute this episode’s script and… well, maybe things make more sense now. Also they don’t seem up on the show because they don’t know how to use Natasia Demetriou at all. Distressingly don’t know how to use her.

Anyway, the main plot involves Kayvan Novak’s familiar from the seventies (Jack O'Connell) remembering he was Novak’s familiar and showing up at the house, causing some tension with current familiar Harvey Guillén.

O’Connell returning isn’t actually the main plot, but Guillén once again getting upset about Novak not making him a vampire, which drives Guillén to the house of a newly changed vampire (Greta Lee), who promises he won’t have to wait so long to become a vampire.

It seems weird the show never came up for a good reason the vampires don’t want to make new vampires, because this episode just has Novak and other vampires staring blankly into the camera, offering empty promises about vampire-making. It’s completely unthought, not just wishy-washy. It gives Novak and Guillén some rather weak scenes to act through at times.

And O’Connell’s nowhere near funny enough, not as actor or character.

It seems like it should be funny—if they’d gotten Fred Willard or someone—but then they didn’t. They just got a bland guest star.

Meanwhile, Demetriou, Matt Berry, and Mark Proksch have a subplot about how Berry actually wrote all the popular songs in the world and didn’t get any credit for them. He and Demetriou start writing new music and driving each other nuts so, of course, Proksch wants to get them to a live music venue so he can feed off the discomfort of all involved.

It’s sporadically funny thanks to the actors and the actual singing is funny but… it’s like Johnson and Marcil didn’t know Berry could do singing and so on. Or, worse, they did and this subplot’s the best they came up with.

It’s not bad.

It’s just nowhere near as good as the other episodes this season. It feels very season one.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e07 – The Return

It’s a team episode—or more of one—with Nick Kroll returning from the first season. Kroll was a posh New York vampire who was in love with one of Matt Berry’s hats. Unfortunately, that hat was cursed and Kroll’s having some very bad luck. He’s living in a sewer with one rapping sidekick Mike Dara and another sewer-dwelling vampire sidekick (Christine Ebadi, in some truly icky makeup).

Kroll guilts Berry and Natasia Demetriou—following a hilarious talk about their evening out at the terrible “talkes”—into inviting him over. He’s so anxious to get out of the sewer, he beats them home, with Kayvan Novak and Harvey Guillén playing reluctant hosts.

There’s some great banter—plus Novak’s harsh assessment of why Guillén’s still a familiar and not a vampire (he’s like the last donut left, everyone’s sure there’s something wrong with it)—before they end up inviting Kroll and company (of course he brought the entourage) to stay the night.

Or day. Whatever.

Unfortunately, Ebadi really wants to eat Guillén and since she’s a hardier vampire than most, she’s not scared to lurk around during the day. They get into a big argument and Guillén’s all of a sudden got to worry about Novak finding out about the whole “vampire slayer” thing.

Meanwhile, Mark Proksch has an amazing subplot about his online trolling activities.

Writer-director-show creator-source movie co-creator Jemaine Clement has a great time with the episode; it feels like he wanted to give Proksch a good solo adventure—the show’s really exploring the energy vampire mythos—while taking advantage of guest star Kroll’s antagonistic chemistry with the rest of the cast. And it moves Guillén’s vampire slayer subplot forward for the first time in quite a few episodes.

It’s kind of overshadowed by the last episode Jackie Daytona peak, but it’s still fantastic.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e06 – On the Run

In addition to being the most Matt Berry episode of “Shadows” ever, this episode also has the best Mark Hamill performance since… 1983? 1980? He’s only in the episode maybe five minutes so it’s hard to compare with the Original Trilogy or Big Red One.

Hamill’s another vampire, one who Berry stiffed for rent on a beach house in San Diego in the late 1800s; Berry had been trying to sell his soul to the Devil to get better at the guitar, but went to the wrong place. Also there was a floater in the toilet, so Berry definitely wasn’t paying. It’s a hilarious argument, leading to a duel, with everyone in the cast getting something to do.

But then Berry runs for it and it becomes his episode. He’s not going to duel, he’s not going to pay the rent, so instead he’s going to pretend to be a human named “Jackie Daytona” and run a bar in rural Pennsylvania. Berry’s beloved by all—well, not the people he’s killed and drained of blood, but everyone else, particularly bar waitress Madeleine Martin. And then the entire town after Berry starts supporting the high school girls’ volley ball team in their quest for the state championship.

There’s a little bit back at the house with everyone dealing with Berry being gone, but mostly it’s an excuse for a great Mark Proksch scene. Natasia Demetriou’s distraught, obviously, and Proksch takes advantage for some great feeding. Kayvan Novak and Harvey Guillén are background the whole episode, with the occasional knowing look from Guillén and a one-liner from Novak. It’s like the show realized Berry can’t really go all out with the main cast; “Shadows” has gradually become Demetriou’s show, with Berry acting as her main support but support. Giving him a side adventure really works out.

Two crises arise in idyllic Pennsylvania however—the town can’t afford to send the volley ball team to state and Hamill has tracked Berry to the area. He doesn’t recognize Berry because of the foolproof human disguise, but Hamill knows he’s close. Great stuff with Hamill and Berry, just great.

The end seems like it might not connect, but then does—Stefani Robinson’s script is outstanding. Nice direction from Yana Gorskaya too.

Hopefully Hamill will be back.

Or just get his own show with the character. They leave him with an excellent setup.

But it’s finally a Berry showcase. Since the first episode, he’s been reining it in so as not to walk off with the show. It’s show much fun to see him not have to worry about it and just let loose. Jackie Daytona indeed.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e05 – Colin’s Promotion

“Shadows” does a full Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) showcase episode this season (much more of a Proksch-centric episode than the one last season when he got a love interest). Last time he had to share with the love interest, this time it’s all Proksch. He gets a promotion at work and discovers the best way to suck the energy out of the room is to be the boss, which has big time consequences for his three vampire roommates, Natasia Demetriou, Kayvan Novak, and Matt Berry. Especially after they get so energy drained they can’t feed anymore.

It’s a process though, as Proksch gets more and more powerful—growing a full head of hair—he becomes able to energy drain his subordinates with just a glance. Some very, very funny sequences. Jemaine Clement directs the episode and they go all out with Proksch getting his effects set pieces; they always go with the punchline for Proksch’s character development, which also makes him the most enigmatic of all the characters on the show.

Meanwhile, Demetriou gets the biggest part in the subplot, which has the vampires redecorating because they’re sick of the paintings they’ve been looking at for two hundred years. We discover Berry created “portrait bombing,” which did take seven hours hundreds of years ago, but is still funny today—great bit. But the drama starts when Demetriou discovers a painting of her village being destroyed (two hundred years before she was born) by a bunch of raiders….

Led by Novak. There’s a development about Harvey Guillén trying to mediate between the two of them—Berry stays out of it (he gets the least to do this episode). Guillén’s vampire hunter subplot also doesn’t get continued here—it gets an almost mention—but once things get going big enough for Proksch, the action goes to him. Including the other vampires’ plot lines. Paintings and medieval conquests can’t compete with an all powerful energy vampire.

Lots of great dialogue from Shana Gohd, lots of great one-liners. Novak begging people to put their necks in his mouth—when he’s at his most energy drained—is particularly hilarious.

But it’s Proksch’s episode and a great showcase of him.

What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e04 – The Curse

So, remember last time when I was worried about Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) and his subplot with the vampire hunters and then said I shouldn’t be worried about it because I should just trust in “Shadows”?

I was right, I shouldn’t be worried about it. This episode’s Guillén subplot has him now trying to infiltrate the vampire hunters to foil their plans but instead finds them ready to head out on their first hunt. Veronika Slowikowska has figured out the house where the vampires who turned her friend last season and they’ve got vagina-shaped topiaries and Guillén’s now got to warn his vampires about the impending threat.

Except the vampires are all busy with the Internet. The episode starts with Guillén setting Kayvan Novak with a laptop to check his email—Novak showing off his prized mail communications is absolutely adorable—except when Novak finds an old email forwarding chain letter cursing him unless he sends it on… well, it causes quite the panic in the house.

So you get Novak, Matt Berry, and Natasia Demetriou freaking out about how to beat this curse–with some questionable help from Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch), who seems to understand there’s not an actual curse but also wants in on the email chain so he can make his coworkers miserable—while Guillén’s trying to sabotage the in-progress vampire hunt.

Lots and lots of good laughs, including some tangents like Proksch going on and on about Sandra Bullock movies. The stuff with the vampire hunters once they start their attack is great, as the show’s documentary camera captures more than the characters realize around them. Plus it’s just a really good people who don’t understand the Internet at all with the “What We Do in the Shadows” vampires; it writes itself. Actually, it doesn’t; Sarah Naftalis’s script is excellent. But the vampires and the Internet stuff is wonderful concept wonderfully realized.

The only disappointing part is the Demetriou’s doll. The doll’s only in it for an interview.

But I’m very sorry I doubted “What We Do in the Shadows”; they definitely know what they’re doing with Guillén.