Black Mirror (2011) s02e03 – The Waldo Moment

“Black Mirror” creator and episode writer Charlie Brooker really loves mentioning Twitter in episodes. It’s practically a drinking game, and it at least makes some sense time-wise because most of this episode takes place in the present. During the end credits, just like last episode, we get a flash forward to show how our new modern age has gone awry, and Brooker starts beating each and every viewer over the head with the message.

Multiple epilogues are great if you’re good at them and have a reason for them. Brooker just uses them in a way I had to look up solipsism again. “Black Mirror” ostensibly takes place in a multiverse of endless shitty possibilities, but I’m pretty sure—at least based on a two-thirds of this season—they’re all just hard solipsists and don’t pay enough attention to anyone else to realize their perception’s whacked.

Anyway.

The Waldo Moment.

It’s mostly great.

It stumbles in the third act, real hard. Jason Flemyng somehow manages not to be able to play a perfectly realistic sleaze bag billionaire. It’s an incredibly easy part, but Flemyng is so absent charisma he flops. I’m not even sure Flemyng does a bad job; he’s just entirely miscast.

The episode’s already in some acting trouble thanks to lead Daniel Rigby. He’s been voicing this cartoon character Waldo on a TV show with a title seemingly spoofing “Last Week Tonight,” but it’s from a year before, so maybe “LWT” ripped off “Black Mirror.” Cool.

Rigby hates his job because no one likes him for him. They don’t like white British guys who can’t get any sun because it’s clear his skin would burn off; they like Waldo, an obscene, blue cartoon bear whose accent isn’t not Black. Waldo’s got a gold-capped tooth.

Anyway.

Just as Rigby’s having another crisis and being too needy with another ex-girlfriend, promising young woman Chloe Pirrie is interviewing for a position running as the Labour candidate. She’s not going to beat the slimy Tory (Tobias Menzies), but it’ll look great on her CV.

It all collides because Menzies has the dumb idea of doing an interview with Waldo, where Waldo offends Menzies, and then Menzies files a complaint. So Rigby’s producer—Christina Chong, who’s too likable to be cutthroat, so she’s utterly passive—decides they’ll take Waldo out in a van where Rigby can perform and taunt Menzies live on the campaign trail. Pretty soon, Waldo’s invited to the debate.

Oh, and Rigby seduces Pirrie.

Except politics is war, and all is fair in love and war.

After an auspicious start, which overcomes Rigby being too bland and Waldo not being a very interesting technological subject—it’s just a real-time animation thing. Like, Flash was already dying when Waldo came out. The reason there wasn’t a real Waldo Moment isn’t because the technology didn’t exist, it’s because politics was all bullshit at this point. Menzies is the soulless bullshit candidate, Pirrie is the soulful bullshit candidate, but what about Waldo….

Will billionaire Flemyng have a naughty idea? Will Rigby and Pirrie dance too close to the fire? Will there be animated bear wiener? Will any of it matter after the hard bellyflop finish?

No. It will not.

Good direction from Bryn Higgins. “Mirror” doesn’t flop because Brooker misses something with his scripts; it flops because of intentional choices. It’s obvious and craven.

Outlander (2014) s01e08 – Both Sides Now

At the end of this episode, I momentarily marveled at “Outlander”’s ability to bore and offend me for almost an hour, then make me care about the obnoxious characters on the screen. Then I realized it was just they’d finally threatened to rape Caitriona Balfe enough; I was moved when they didn’t. Especially since the second interrupted rape involved gleeful mutilation on the part of Tobias Menzies, playing an ancestor of time traveler Balfe’s husband.

The episode’s all about Menzies mooning over disappeared Balfe in the 1940s while she’s busy enjoying marital bliss with hunky highlander Sam Heughan in the past. Well, until it turns out public sex in 1700s Scotland is less safe than Balfe and Menzies’s public sex in 1940s Scotland, and a couple redcoats ambush them and decide to rape Balfe. It gets interrupted with a godawful slow-motion action sequence, and then Balfe wanders around recovering for a bit with emphasized side boob going on. Once again, it’s Anne Foerster directing, so it’s a woman doing her damndest to appeal to male gaze. And doing godawful action sequences.

In the present, Menzies is dealing with cops who don’t care—they’re trying to do them all folksy and charming, but they’re really just terrible men who hate women and don’t care what happens to them—and finally deciding he’s going back to Oxford. Turns out the figure he saw in the pilot episode was Heughan somehow in the future. Big yawn.

In the past, Menzies will catch up with Balfe—not caring she’s married to a Scot now—and she’ll blather in the narration about how she’s going to outsmart him using her future knowledge. It’s knowledge we got in the pilot, too, but it didn’t seem significant. Though none of “Outlander” is significant.

There’d be some potentially okay character development for Balfe, but it goes to pot for sensationalism and exploitation. Heughan’s gotten blander the more he moons over Balfe—I asked regular viewers if the stars ever got chemistry together, and they said yes, but I should’ve clarified good chemistry. Balfe and Heughan are so tedious together, the supporting cast is downright endearing when they show up. Including Graham McTavish, who’s not rapey this episode, so next one, beware….

It’s an exceptionally manipulative show, like the whole gimmick is how manipulative it can get, which I guess gives Ronald D. Moore (who gets the writing credit) something to do, but it’s atrocious storytelling. And Menzies is so laughably miscast they have to promise gore to make him threatening. But he’s still worse in the present as a potential cuckold.

At one point, it seems like Balfe might leap back home, and I know she can’t because there are a million more hours of this show, but for the sequence, I desperately wished she would, and it would be over. Alas, magical thinking is just that.

Anyway, Bill Paterson’s cute; shame he’s only it for three minutes.

Outlander (2014) s01e06 – The Garrison Commander

How are you supposed to take “Outlander” seriously? There are three severe eye-roll moments this episode, two of them so close you don’t have time to refocus. The third is right after a thoughtful half-eye-roll when someone will decide to hinge a consequential decision on utter nonsense, and the other person in the scene won’t acknowledge it.

I’ll just identify the other person—Caitriona Balfe—because she definitely ought to comment on the last eye-roll and a half since she’s the narrator, and it’s dramatically relevant. However, not having her comment on the big cliffhanger, when “Outlander” just leans in heavy on being a cheap romance novel, is the show’s biggest failure to date, and “Outlander” ’s basically just a string of failures.

Of course, the show’s other two most significant fails also happen in this episode, and it’s just a race to the bottom.

The first big fail is Tobias Menzies as the evil ancestor of Balfe’s loving husband. Menzies chews and chews at the scenery, but he never manages to bite at any. Even as the show sets him up for too-easy-to-fail moments of villainy, Menzies overacts it, and the moments—even when they’re disturbing—flop. He gets outacted by every single person in the episode, including the bit part subordinates and a non-speaking Sam Heughan.

Heughan doesn’t have a good episode, but it’s not his fault. He’s just in flashbacks for most of it, and when he’s got to figure into the unbelievably basic, silly, and obvious finale twist, there’s nothing to be done. No one could do any better with the material.

Now on to the other big fail: Balfe. Her character makes some profoundly stupid decisions this episode, decisions the episode knows are profoundly stupid and can’t present in any other way. Except Balfe narrates the show, remember—does she really not learn from her mistakes or have any self-awareness whatsoever?

It’s another episode directed by Brian Kelly; I could check to see if they ever replace him but why bother. Ira Steven Behr gets the inglorious honor of the script credit.

There’s some okay support from John Heffernan as a dipshit British general and then Tom Brittney as the one good guy amongst the British.

I guess having Menzies flop so resoundingly does make Balfe and Heughan’s performances seem better. But the only actual good acting is Graham McTavish. Bill Patterson’s got a few seconds of screen time and no lines.

It’s a silly show. Historically accurate costumes and whatever aside, it’s a silly, silly television show.

Outlander (2014) s01e03 – The Way Out

With a new writer credited (Anne Kearney) and a different director (Brian Kelly), is “Outlander” all of a sudden much better?

No, but it’s less rapey. Even if the “Previously On…” reminds us lead Caitriona Balfe is constantly under threat of assault if she’s not with highlander hunk Sam Heughan. Heughan doesn’t live at the castle with her, however, so theoretically, she’s always in danger when he’s not there. So most of the time. Only even the regularly rapey guy (Stephen Walters) isn’t very rapey. He’s a dipshit, but not a dangerous one.

And the show is a little better. A little. At least it’s not as bad as it could be. Even though there are now daydreams, which look just like reality, the show’s got another device to deceive and manipulate the viewer instead of just telling a story. Though there’s a lot less narration this episode. There’s barely any in the first half of the episode, which has its own plot. Balfe hears about a village boy being possessed, and because she’s from 1945 and everyone in 1945 was an atheist, she knows he’s not really possessed. He must be sick. Will her hunky highlander and her knowledge of European herbs somehow save the day? Or will the backward villagers go with God, with very evil, very vicious priest Tim McInnerny?

There’s also some more with Lotte Verbeek as Balfe’s only friend, who stops being a friend in this episode to spy on her and try to discover her secrets. Balfe’s been considering taking someone into her confidence, but she’s convinced she’ll end up burned at the stake. Or at least nailed to a pillory.

We also find out Heughan’s extremely well-educated, which is why he talks with a vocabulary and cadence of a twentieth-century man, while everyone else is obviously Balfe’s inferior. Though Balfe does exhibit some cruel indifference and a pronounced drinking problem, living in a time without potable water can’t help. Everything’s booze.

The soft cliffhanger is exasperatingly apparent and silly. Ample narration doesn’t help things.

“Outlander”’s a strange show. It’s far from incompetent, but it confuses clutter with clever, and Balfe’s a flailing protagonist. It’s not her fault, it’s the concept, but they’re three episodes in, and they’re shakier than they ought to be. Maybe if there were better breakout performances, no one impresses yet. McInnerny’s cameo is fine—there’s also one from John Sessions—but inventive cameo casting when your narrating lead actor can’t hold the show is a flawed formula.

It’s a show with dire prospects.

Outlander (2014) s01e02 – Castle Leoch

This episode features a scene where highlander heartthrob Sam Heughan fails to rescue a woman from being raped. It’s a flashback. Time-traveling World War II nurse Caitriona Balfe is just making intrusive conversation. The rapist is Tobias Menzies, who plays Balfe’s future husband and his present-day, eighteenth-century ancestor. Balfe mooning over memories of Menzies while his other visual representation is as a vicious rapist is another of the show’s wild swings but whatever. Let’s concentrate on the show making a point to objectify the victim.

When I thought “Outlander” was throwing the nudity into the home video releases, it kind of made sense. Dudes buy blu-rays, and dudes like pointless nudity. But “Outlander” is a show targeted at women. From a book series targeted at women. So Heughan is all heroic and fantastic for the women viewers, then there’re numerous shots of the victim’s boobs to appeal to the women’s male partners? Then there’s another pointless nude scene for Balfe.

I guess Heughan’s got very shiny pecs in a warm light scene but the show’s otherwise anti-beefcake. Just vulnerable women naked, both times without their consent. It feels very off and very odd.

The episode story pairs with the last one, with Balfe getting acclimated in the past while poorly narrating the experience. She’s overly confident in her knowledge of history, and it gets her in trouble. The show doesn’t think about the connotations of her being unreliable in her self-confidence, not even bringing in the narration being past tense so she’d be aware of her failings. There are some renaissance fair-ready costumes, an ally for Balfe in Annette Badland, and a pal in Lotte Verbeek. Balfe needs all the friends she can get because Graham McTavish is having her followed everywhere by a couple of his goons, and at least one of them definitely wants to rape Balfe. He wanted to rape her last episode; he’s ominously eying her this one; the other goon tells her to watch out because he’s rapey. So even though she’s seemingly safe, she’s not. Correspondingly, of course, no women are, and yet we’re supposed to like the dudes.

“Outlander” is very much a “the patriarchy isn’t real” type of show.

Balfe also meets the local lord, played by Gary Lewis. He’s McTavish’s brother and has a degenerative disease, so there’s a weird relationship between the two. Both give fine performances, even with the tepid writing.

Besides being boring and the narration being bad—not to mention the “but it’s realistic, so it’s okay” nudity—“Outlander”’s biggest problem is the thoughtless plotting. Also, in addition to the flashbacks, there are flash-forwards to inform Balfe’s character development. So "Outlander"'s also got the problem of being very cheaply told.

Though Heughan would make a good live-action He-Man, I guess.

Outlander (2014) s01e01 – Sassenach

I’ve been operating under the misconception the home video version of Sassenach was an extended cut, and they’d added all the nudity. Nope, it was apparently in the original Starz version. Cool.

The nudity’s all of star Caitriona Balfe, who’s the narrator and protagonist of the show, but when it comes time to drop her drawers, the eyes are all director John Dahl’s. “Outlander” is a historical hard sci-fi romance. Except for the most history in this episode is Balfe’s husband Tobias Menzies droning on about his family genealogy. The only thing more boring than actual genealogy? Some boring dude talking about fake genealogy. Menzies and Balfe are in Scotland on a post-World War II holiday; they’re trying to reconnect after being apart for five years. He was in military intelligence—not an agent himself, but the office guy who sent them to their deaths—and she was a nurse.

Supposedly they’ve been having a rough time since the end of the war, but it seems mostly to be a lack of trying. In the tedious narration, Balfe explains whenever they’re having problems, all they need to do is get jiggy, and then they’re fine. Though they may need to get jiggy in public for it to work. Or at least be a little exhibitionist-y about it. Not to kink shame. Though it’s very unclear why Dahl’s so keen to ogle Balfe (especially since “Outlander”’s target audience is women, you can even google it) and not Menzies. Other than once Balfe gets to the past and runs into Menzies’s ancestor he can’t shut up about, it turns out the ancestor is an eager rapist and cruel piece of shit.

Eager rapists and cruel pieces of shit are two different things on “Outlander” because Balfe eventually ends up with a group of Scottish highlanders—there be many more than one—but only two of them don’t want to rape her. One because he’s not cool with rape (Graham McTavish, who gives far and away from the best performance) and one because he’s the hot guy (Sam Heughan). Everyone in the past is filthy and gross except Heughan, forecasting his and Balfe’s chemistry. Plus, he’s injured, and she has to nurse him over and over.

The present-day material starts dull and gets worse as Menzies gets more and more enthusiastic about the genealogy, but it also becomes clear the narration isn’t going to stop. I’m not sure if the narration’s from the source novel or the writers’ room (Ronald D. Moore got the credit, which is an inglorious one), but it’s terrible. And never once matches the corresponding action. It’s like an object lesson in why poorly executed narration is so damaging.

Once Balfe gets to the past, where she brings mid-ish-twentieth century mobile army nursing techniques, the occasional helpful future knowledge tidbit, and enough curse words to shock all her new wannabe rapist pals, the narration pretty much stops. At least until the cliffhanger. But the quiet’s nice. And Heughan and Balfe do seem like they’ll have sufficient charm together. But, wow, is it a rough and endless sixty minutes.