Outlander (2014) s01e08 – Both Sides Now

At the end of this episode, I momentarily marveled at “Outlander”’s ability to bore and offend me for almost an hour, then make me care about the obnoxious characters on the screen. Then I realized it was just they’d finally threatened to rape Caitriona Balfe enough; I was moved when they didn’t. Especially since the second interrupted rape involved gleeful mutilation on the part of Tobias Menzies, playing an ancestor of time traveler Balfe’s husband.

The episode’s all about Menzies mooning over disappeared Balfe in the 1940s while she’s busy enjoying marital bliss with hunky highlander Sam Heughan in the past. Well, until it turns out public sex in 1700s Scotland is less safe than Balfe and Menzies’s public sex in 1940s Scotland, and a couple redcoats ambush them and decide to rape Balfe. It gets interrupted with a godawful slow-motion action sequence, and then Balfe wanders around recovering for a bit with emphasized side boob going on. Once again, it’s Anne Foerster directing, so it’s a woman doing her damndest to appeal to male gaze. And doing godawful action sequences.

In the present, Menzies is dealing with cops who don’t care—they’re trying to do them all folksy and charming, but they’re really just terrible men who hate women and don’t care what happens to them—and finally deciding he’s going back to Oxford. Turns out the figure he saw in the pilot episode was Heughan somehow in the future. Big yawn.

In the past, Menzies will catch up with Balfe—not caring she’s married to a Scot now—and she’ll blather in the narration about how she’s going to outsmart him using her future knowledge. It’s knowledge we got in the pilot, too, but it didn’t seem significant. Though none of “Outlander” is significant.

There’d be some potentially okay character development for Balfe, but it goes to pot for sensationalism and exploitation. Heughan’s gotten blander the more he moons over Balfe—I asked regular viewers if the stars ever got chemistry together, and they said yes, but I should’ve clarified good chemistry. Balfe and Heughan are so tedious together, the supporting cast is downright endearing when they show up. Including Graham McTavish, who’s not rapey this episode, so next one, beware….

It’s an exceptionally manipulative show, like the whole gimmick is how manipulative it can get, which I guess gives Ronald D. Moore (who gets the writing credit) something to do, but it’s atrocious storytelling. And Menzies is so laughably miscast they have to promise gore to make him threatening. But he’s still worse in the present as a potential cuckold.

At one point, it seems like Balfe might leap back home, and I know she can’t because there are a million more hours of this show, but for the sequence, I desperately wished she would, and it would be over. Alas, magical thinking is just that.

Anyway, Bill Paterson’s cute; shame he’s only it for three minutes.

Outlander (2014) s01e07 – The Wedding

I’m not sure how to take “Outlander” seriously. It’s somewhat offensive the show ever implies I should try; this episode makes me want to see if it somehow breaks my eighth amendment rights or something. It’s shockingly bad at what it’s trying to do, starting with what it’s doing in the first place.

The last episode ended with British time traveler from the future Caitriona Balfe agreeing to marry hot highlander Sam Heughan to foil evil British red coat Tobias Menzies’s plans for Balfe. Making matters worse, Menzies is an ancestor of Balfe’s husband in the future—also played by Menzies. Menzies doesn’t appear in this episode, which is fine. It’s got enough problems with the actors it does have.

This episode is all about their wedding night, including their sexy times. At this point, Balfe’s been living in the past for four months minimum, so you could think of her widowed four months. Except her plan is to go back to the future, where Menzies (the future one, not the rapist one) is still alive. Maybe. You wouldn’t know it from this episode’s narration, which might be the worst ever? And “Outlander”’s narration for Balfe is some of the worst narration I’ve ever heard, so… it’s an achievement to dig to a new bottom. Kudos Anne Kenney or whoever. Kenney gets the credit, but maybe it’s from the room; perhaps it’s from the source novels. Who cares.

Outside they’re decidedly dull nooky—it’s hilarious because Balfe and future Menzies were legit exhibitionists—they talk and flashback to Heughan’s day. While Balfe’s just marrying the sexy Scot barbarian because she doesn’t want to go to eighteenth-century prison, Heughan’s actually sincere in his wedding desires. Balfe’s a good match for him. Only the supporting cast has just recently become likable, and then they roll it way back with Graham McTavish, so spending an episode with them is tedious. But at least they’re not having boring conversations and bad sex. Though I think we get some man bum. There is lots of female nudity (the director’s a woman, Anna Foerster), but it’s still male gaze-y. All of it is unnecessary.

The episode never answers important questions—like how Balfe marrying wanted man Heughan makes any sense—and then probably some other ones. I don’t care. It’s so lousy commercial breaks would’ve been an improvement. Seriously, how did they decide to make this show but not decide the rules for Balfe’s narration—or, you know, figure out the character relationship with her and Heughan. In every episode, it seems like they’re strangers meeting for the first time even though they’ve known each other since the first episode.

I’m not sure if it’s unintentionally bewildering or just terrible, but given even usually sturdy McTavish can’t sell his latest mood swing, it’s probably the latter.

Outlander (2014) s01e06 – The Garrison Commander

How are you supposed to take “Outlander” seriously? There are three severe eye-roll moments this episode, two of them so close you don’t have time to refocus. The third is right after a thoughtful half-eye-roll when someone will decide to hinge a consequential decision on utter nonsense, and the other person in the scene won’t acknowledge it.

I’ll just identify the other person—Caitriona Balfe—because she definitely ought to comment on the last eye-roll and a half since she’s the narrator, and it’s dramatically relevant. However, not having her comment on the big cliffhanger, when “Outlander” just leans in heavy on being a cheap romance novel, is the show’s biggest failure to date, and “Outlander” ’s basically just a string of failures.

Of course, the show’s other two most significant fails also happen in this episode, and it’s just a race to the bottom.

The first big fail is Tobias Menzies as the evil ancestor of Balfe’s loving husband. Menzies chews and chews at the scenery, but he never manages to bite at any. Even as the show sets him up for too-easy-to-fail moments of villainy, Menzies overacts it, and the moments—even when they’re disturbing—flop. He gets outacted by every single person in the episode, including the bit part subordinates and a non-speaking Sam Heughan.

Heughan doesn’t have a good episode, but it’s not his fault. He’s just in flashbacks for most of it, and when he’s got to figure into the unbelievably basic, silly, and obvious finale twist, there’s nothing to be done. No one could do any better with the material.

Now on to the other big fail: Balfe. Her character makes some profoundly stupid decisions this episode, decisions the episode knows are profoundly stupid and can’t present in any other way. Except Balfe narrates the show, remember—does she really not learn from her mistakes or have any self-awareness whatsoever?

It’s another episode directed by Brian Kelly; I could check to see if they ever replace him but why bother. Ira Steven Behr gets the inglorious honor of the script credit.

There’s some okay support from John Heffernan as a dipshit British general and then Tom Brittney as the one good guy amongst the British.

I guess having Menzies flop so resoundingly does make Balfe and Heughan’s performances seem better. But the only actual good acting is Graham McTavish. Bill Patterson’s got a few seconds of screen time and no lines.

It’s a silly show. Historically accurate costumes and whatever aside, it’s a silly, silly television show.

Outlander (2014) s01e05 – Rent

New (credited) writer—Toni Graphia—same boring director, Brian Kelly. There are multiple points in this episode where it’s obvious all “Outlander” needs are actually creative people involved. The episode has a bunch of future flashes to historian and genealogy buff Tobias Menzies mansplaining history to wife Caitriona Balfe, lessons, and experiences she’ll remember a couple minutes late every single time in the past. Balfe’s on a rent-collecting trip with Graham McTavish and company. There’s Sam Heughan, of course, though the show continues to forget they’ve established any chemistry between the pair and then the regular C-listers.

Grant O’Rourke, Duncan Lacroix, and Stephen Walters are the C-listers. If O’Rouke and Lacroix have ever been named, I’ve long forgotten. Walters is memorable because he’s the rapey one, though this episode seemingly rids itself of that “subplot”—subplot, vague threat, what’s the difference—once and for all. Potentially for the betterment of the show. If Balfe’s not in physical danger at all times from her de facto compatriots, it’s a lot more entertaining.

There are a few significant developments this episode. First, Bill Patterson joins the cast as a learned lawyer working as a bookkeeper for McTavish on the expedition. He and Balfe bond over poetry in the first scene. Balfe’s reading of it is so bad it seems like it’s voiceover, but it’s not. She’s reciting to the lake; he overhears her, they talk poetry and asthma; fast friends. We know they’re fast friends because the narration tells us so, with the writing on it… well, not better exactly because it’s still reasonably awful, but at least the tenses agree.

On the road, Balfe discovers things she didn’t know about her hosts (or captors), stuff they don’t want her to know, so they talk in Gaelic around her because she can’t understand it. Then, in a particularly good scene—well, some of it—Balfe gets pissed about it. The scene goes slightly to pot, but it’s the first time “Outlander” ’s had Balfe think through a situation. At least without the narration doing all the work.

There’s also a scene where she bonds with some local women, which plays like a “Horrible Histories” scene before introducing guest star Tom Brittney as a British officer who takes an interest in Balfe’s situation with the Scots.

As usual, there’s good acting from McTavish and Patterson’s excellent in a thin but omnipresent part—he makes a lot of out it—and the change in tone in the second half works. Right up until the profoundly cheap cliffhanger.

“Outlander” isn’t really getting better, but it’s getting less bad in some good ways. Though Kelly’s direction is a snooze.

Outlander (2014) s01e04 – The Gathering

I’m profoundly disappointed this episode, The Gathering, did not involve all the dudes chopping each other’s heads off a la Highlander. I can only imagine the Quickening episode of “Outlander” will someday similarly disappoint.

“Outlander” ’s Gathering is where all the clan guys gather at the castle, pledge fealty to Gary Lewis, get drunk, and try to rape random women. Of course, if they aren’t lucky enough to rape anyone, they’ll take consensual sex, but it’s not the preference. Time traveler Caitriona Balfe is hoping to use the confusion to escape to get back to the time travel rocks so she can go back to the future. But she’ll find even after an indeterminate amount of time spent planning, getting away is more challenging than coming up with 1.21 gigawatts of electrical energy.

First, she’s got to distract guards Grant O’Rourke and Stephen Walters by siccing them on ladies. Though, to be fair, Walters is a whole lot less rapey this episode. He’s a more genial sexual predator. It’s unclear if it’s character development or just some of the episode’s weird character shifts. Matthew B. Roberts gets the writing credit, and in some ways, it’s the best-written episode. The narration’s terrible, the dialogue’s tepid, the continuity’s off, but it’s still a lot less manipulative than usual.

It also feels way too self-contained, with none of the previous episode’s character work actually mattering. For example, Lotte Verbeek is still snooping around Balfe, trying to discover her secrets, but it’s independent of their relationship arc. Ditto Sam Heughan, who’s barely in the episode—because he’s in danger of losing his head, though not for the Prize—when he and Balfe have scenes together, they’ve got less familiarity than Balfe has with any of the other characters. The episode doesn’t dial back their chemistry; it forgets they have any.

Once again, Graham McTavish is easily the best actor in the show, even if he’s not good at acting blackout drunk.

Brian Kelly directs and turns out to be incapable of action or suspense scenes, which is a bummer. Though someone on the crew has seen Evil Dead 1 and 2 thank goodness. But the slowed down and sped-up rugby match is a silly fail. Kind of like using pop music from the forties as background music for Balfe, though at least the music makes sense, bad or not. Trying to make the rugby look cool is nonsensical.

Though at least there’s not a bunch of weird nudity. Still the terrible narration, of course. They really don’t know how to make this show. Just fundamentally, they can’t figure it out.

Outlander (2014) s01e03 – The Way Out

With a new writer credited (Anne Kearney) and a different director (Brian Kelly), is “Outlander” all of a sudden much better?

No, but it’s less rapey. Even if the “Previously On…” reminds us lead Caitriona Balfe is constantly under threat of assault if she’s not with highlander hunk Sam Heughan. Heughan doesn’t live at the castle with her, however, so theoretically, she’s always in danger when he’s not there. So most of the time. Only even the regularly rapey guy (Stephen Walters) isn’t very rapey. He’s a dipshit, but not a dangerous one.

And the show is a little better. A little. At least it’s not as bad as it could be. Even though there are now daydreams, which look just like reality, the show’s got another device to deceive and manipulate the viewer instead of just telling a story. Though there’s a lot less narration this episode. There’s barely any in the first half of the episode, which has its own plot. Balfe hears about a village boy being possessed, and because she’s from 1945 and everyone in 1945 was an atheist, she knows he’s not really possessed. He must be sick. Will her hunky highlander and her knowledge of European herbs somehow save the day? Or will the backward villagers go with God, with very evil, very vicious priest Tim McInnerny?

There’s also some more with Lotte Verbeek as Balfe’s only friend, who stops being a friend in this episode to spy on her and try to discover her secrets. Balfe’s been considering taking someone into her confidence, but she’s convinced she’ll end up burned at the stake. Or at least nailed to a pillory.

We also find out Heughan’s extremely well-educated, which is why he talks with a vocabulary and cadence of a twentieth-century man, while everyone else is obviously Balfe’s inferior. Though Balfe does exhibit some cruel indifference and a pronounced drinking problem, living in a time without potable water can’t help. Everything’s booze.

The soft cliffhanger is exasperatingly apparent and silly. Ample narration doesn’t help things.

“Outlander”’s a strange show. It’s far from incompetent, but it confuses clutter with clever, and Balfe’s a flailing protagonist. It’s not her fault, it’s the concept, but they’re three episodes in, and they’re shakier than they ought to be. Maybe if there were better breakout performances, no one impresses yet. McInnerny’s cameo is fine—there’s also one from John Sessions—but inventive cameo casting when your narrating lead actor can’t hold the show is a flawed formula.

It’s a show with dire prospects.

Outlander (2014) s01e02 – Castle Leoch

This episode features a scene where highlander heartthrob Sam Heughan fails to rescue a woman from being raped. It’s a flashback. Time-traveling World War II nurse Caitriona Balfe is just making intrusive conversation. The rapist is Tobias Menzies, who plays Balfe’s future husband and his present-day, eighteenth-century ancestor. Balfe mooning over memories of Menzies while his other visual representation is as a vicious rapist is another of the show’s wild swings but whatever. Let’s concentrate on the show making a point to objectify the victim.

When I thought “Outlander” was throwing the nudity into the home video releases, it kind of made sense. Dudes buy blu-rays, and dudes like pointless nudity. But “Outlander” is a show targeted at women. From a book series targeted at women. So Heughan is all heroic and fantastic for the women viewers, then there’re numerous shots of the victim’s boobs to appeal to the women’s male partners? Then there’s another pointless nude scene for Balfe.

I guess Heughan’s got very shiny pecs in a warm light scene but the show’s otherwise anti-beefcake. Just vulnerable women naked, both times without their consent. It feels very off and very odd.

The episode story pairs with the last one, with Balfe getting acclimated in the past while poorly narrating the experience. She’s overly confident in her knowledge of history, and it gets her in trouble. The show doesn’t think about the connotations of her being unreliable in her self-confidence, not even bringing in the narration being past tense so she’d be aware of her failings. There are some renaissance fair-ready costumes, an ally for Balfe in Annette Badland, and a pal in Lotte Verbeek. Balfe needs all the friends she can get because Graham McTavish is having her followed everywhere by a couple of his goons, and at least one of them definitely wants to rape Balfe. He wanted to rape her last episode; he’s ominously eying her this one; the other goon tells her to watch out because he’s rapey. So even though she’s seemingly safe, she’s not. Correspondingly, of course, no women are, and yet we’re supposed to like the dudes.

“Outlander” is very much a “the patriarchy isn’t real” type of show.

Balfe also meets the local lord, played by Gary Lewis. He’s McTavish’s brother and has a degenerative disease, so there’s a weird relationship between the two. Both give fine performances, even with the tepid writing.

Besides being boring and the narration being bad—not to mention the “but it’s realistic, so it’s okay” nudity—“Outlander”’s biggest problem is the thoughtless plotting. Also, in addition to the flashbacks, there are flash-forwards to inform Balfe’s character development. So "Outlander"'s also got the problem of being very cheaply told.

Though Heughan would make a good live-action He-Man, I guess.

Outlander (2014) s01e01 – Sassenach

I’ve been operating under the misconception the home video version of Sassenach was an extended cut, and they’d added all the nudity. Nope, it was apparently in the original Starz version. Cool.

The nudity’s all of star Caitriona Balfe, who’s the narrator and protagonist of the show, but when it comes time to drop her drawers, the eyes are all director John Dahl’s. “Outlander” is a historical hard sci-fi romance. Except for the most history in this episode is Balfe’s husband Tobias Menzies droning on about his family genealogy. The only thing more boring than actual genealogy? Some boring dude talking about fake genealogy. Menzies and Balfe are in Scotland on a post-World War II holiday; they’re trying to reconnect after being apart for five years. He was in military intelligence—not an agent himself, but the office guy who sent them to their deaths—and she was a nurse.

Supposedly they’ve been having a rough time since the end of the war, but it seems mostly to be a lack of trying. In the tedious narration, Balfe explains whenever they’re having problems, all they need to do is get jiggy, and then they’re fine. Though they may need to get jiggy in public for it to work. Or at least be a little exhibitionist-y about it. Not to kink shame. Though it’s very unclear why Dahl’s so keen to ogle Balfe (especially since “Outlander”’s target audience is women, you can even google it) and not Menzies. Other than once Balfe gets to the past and runs into Menzies’s ancestor he can’t shut up about, it turns out the ancestor is an eager rapist and cruel piece of shit.

Eager rapists and cruel pieces of shit are two different things on “Outlander” because Balfe eventually ends up with a group of Scottish highlanders—there be many more than one—but only two of them don’t want to rape her. One because he’s not cool with rape (Graham McTavish, who gives far and away from the best performance) and one because he’s the hot guy (Sam Heughan). Everyone in the past is filthy and gross except Heughan, forecasting his and Balfe’s chemistry. Plus, he’s injured, and she has to nurse him over and over.

The present-day material starts dull and gets worse as Menzies gets more and more enthusiastic about the genealogy, but it also becomes clear the narration isn’t going to stop. I’m not sure if the narration’s from the source novel or the writers’ room (Ronald D. Moore got the credit, which is an inglorious one), but it’s terrible. And never once matches the corresponding action. It’s like an object lesson in why poorly executed narration is so damaging.

Once Balfe gets to the past, where she brings mid-ish-twentieth century mobile army nursing techniques, the occasional helpful future knowledge tidbit, and enough curse words to shock all her new wannabe rapist pals, the narration pretty much stops. At least until the cliffhanger. But the quiet’s nice. And Heughan and Balfe do seem like they’ll have sufficient charm together. But, wow, is it a rough and endless sixty minutes.

The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018, Susanna Fogel)

The Spy Who Dumped Me has, rather unfortunately, a punny title. It’s an accurate title—the film’s about spy Justin Theroux dumping his civilian and not aware he’s a spy girlfriend Mila Kunis—but it doesn’t capture the mood of the film. No doubt, it’s a hard one to title—because even though it starts with Kunis going to Europe to help Theroux on a mission (after a very well-executed gun fight), it becomes more about Kunis and best friend Kate McKinnon as they find their respective knacks in life as spies. Or at least, movie spies, who have to worry about gun fights in public places, evil trapeze artists, and “Edward Snowden” cameos. Spy purposefully goes all over the place (and all over Europe), with the core mystery being engaging enough but never the point. Spy’s all about its performances, not the MacGuffins.

Which makes Sam Heughan’s smooth British spy guy stand out as a fail. He’s fine. He’s even charming at times, but he’s… nothing special. When Kunis has her pick of spies, Theroux or Heughan, she goes Theroux—who’s got his issues too—but at last he’s got some character. Heughan looks like a British spy caricature, acts like a British spy caricature. He’s no fun. Theroux’s not really fun either, but he doesn’t have to be fun. But Heughan? He’s the straight man to partner Hasan Minhaj, whose thing is just being a boring straightedge and he’s so fun at it. Or their boss, Gillian Armstrong, who plays a British spy supervisor caricature and makes it seem like a real character. Heughan’s fine, but he’s a bummer. Theroux’s… a bummer. At least one of them needs to be better.

Nicely, everything else is great so the two supporting dudes being a little lackluster doesn’t matter. And Heughan’s good with the fight stuff; he gets sympathy for being such a surprisingly solid action star. Spy gives Kunis and McKinnon a lot, keeping an undercurrent of humor. Heughan doesn’t really have the humor. Sometimes he’s got Kunis and McKinnon giving audio commentary, which brings some humor, but director Fogel handles it differently. Probably contributes to keeping Kunis and McKinnon in danger. They’re not because it’s still a fish out of water buddy comedy and it can’t kill either buddy but the film’s got to put them in danger for about an hour straight before a resolution. Spy isn’t short—it’s real close to two hours—and it’s really well-paced and keeping tension in an action comedy isn’t easy. Luckily there’s a lot of violence. Spy goes all in on the action violence; lots of great action set pieces; they’re what make the movie work in the first act. It demands attention.

Kunis is a good lead, but McKinnon walks away with it. She’s really funny. Even when the scene isn’t really funny, McKinnon’s really funny. And her third act stuff is impossible and she makes it happen. Fogel’s careful not to showcase McKinnon too much—without not showcasing her either—and giving Kunis her time but… it’s McKinnon’s show. She’s part of all the best material. Kunis gets most of it, but third act is all McKinnon’s. Also Kunis and McKinnon are great together, which makes everything feel a lot more even throughout. It’s just… Kunis gets a romance subplot and McKinnon gets to be hilarious. Shame Kunis doesn’t have better dudes in the triangle. But Heughan’s fine.

He’s fine.

Great cameos from Jane Curtin, Paul Reiser, and Fred Melamed. Ivanna Sakhno’s awesome as the Bond villain assassin out to get Kunis and, especially, McKinnon.

The Spy Who Dumped Me is really good at being really funny and good enough when it’s not being really funny.