What If…? (2021) s01e05 – What If… Zombies?!

Even with the trite, albeit genre-appropriate conclusion, this episode of “What If…?” is definitely the series high. And not just because Jeffrey Wright barely has any lines. It’s an actually good script—credited to Matthew Chauncey—with good action set pieces, better voice acting, and some good twists and turns. However, after a strong start with Mark Ruffalo, it turns out—once again—the secret to the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Tom Holland’s Spider-Man.

Even if Tom Holland’s not playing him. Instead, they get Hudson Thames, who does a fine Tom Holland impression. The episode takes place when Ruffalo arrives on Earth in Avengers: Infinity War and discovers the world overrun with zombies. Worse, they’re superhero zombies. Turns out the original Avengers (we miss the Captain America and Iron Man reuniting, once again) went to save the day in San Francisco where the outbreak starts—tying into Ant-Man and the Wasp—only to get immediately taken out.

So when Ruffalo’s got to warn the world of Thanos’s impending arrival… turns out they’ve got bigger problems. Ruffalo teams up with Thames and the rest of the, ahem, new Avengers, like Sebastian Stan, Danai Gurira, Emily VanCamp, Evangeline Lilly, and then superhero adjacent Jon Favreau and David Dastmalchian. It feels like an on-a-budget Disney+ kind of cast, but not in a bad way. All of the voice acting from the survivor team is great. Of course, the opening titles have given away three more big Marvel movie superhero appearances, but the action’s so tense I forgot to wait for them to arrive.

When they do, it’s with multiple good surprises.

Marvel Zombies was a comic book sensation (of sorts), riffing on Marvel fans being called “Marvel Zombies,” complete with an Evil Dead crossover series (and an excellent fan-made short film), and this “MCU Zombies” is way better than the comic. Again, the ending’s a bit pat and undercooked—having Wright narrate it doesn’t help—but “What If” finally doesn’t seem cheap. If only Bryan Andrews’s directed every episode as well.

It might also help they’re not jockeying a PG-13 line either. The zombie gore is a lot more than I was expecting. Great voice performances from pretty much everyone, including the three not-surprise surprise actors. But Ruffalo, Gurira, Lilly, and VanCamp are standouts—besides Thames, of course, whose Tom Holland is the web fluid holding it together. The big surprise is Ruffalo being so personable since his last appearance on “What If” was so blah.

A New Avengers is a fantastic idea, but they really need to get Holland signed up for more than one. Or maybe they can just CGI him and have Thames do the voice?

What If…? (2021) s01e04 – What If… Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

Apparently, at some point, if you’ve been a superhero long enough—in this case, Benedict Cumberbatch, who’s five years in—you eventually end up in a junkyard having a Superman III fight; wait, so was Christopher Reeve. Anyway, in this universe, Rachel McAdams is not a disposable girlfriend character in Doctor Strange; she’s the all-powerful girlfriend in a refrigerator. And after she dies instead of Cumberbatch losing the use of his hands, he becomes obsessed with going back in time and bringing her back, even though wise Asian sidekick Benedict Wong tells him it’s a bad idea.

Cumberbatch doesn’t listen, obviously, because he’s the white male savior, and A.C. Bradley’s script for “What If: Doctor Strange” impressively brings in all the colonizing white male saviorism of the movie. He discovers McAdams dying is a fixed point in the timeline—can’t wait to see if anything else time travel going forward in the MCU respects this nonsense—and there’s nothing he can do. Or so Tilda Swinton tells him. She has to bring herself back from the dead to warn him.

But she’s just a girl—I really hope Swinton’s magic bald white lady cultural appropriationist has some amazing history, like she was a missionary to China in the 1800s—so he runs off to find someone who’ll help him. So he goes searching for the mythical library of Cogliostro (or something, I’m just assuming it’s Cogliostro because Cogliostro is Nicol Williamson from Spawn and it’s hilarious to think Marvel-Disney’s ripping off Todd MacFarlane now) but only finds a Black guy dressed in tribal attire who doesn’t seem to speak English.

It doesn’t turn out to be a cringe-y Wakanda reference, and instead, the Black guy, played by Ike Amadi, does speak English; Cumberbatch is just a shitty white guy who assumes making demands while speaking loudly and slowly is the way to get through to people with different color skin.

There’s then a bunch of magic stuff when Cumberbatch is absorbing interdimensional monsters—if there are any Easter eggs, I missed them, save a reference to the Cthulhu from the first episode of “What If”—before eventually discovering there’s going to be the Superman III junkyard fight. It’s going to resolve the episode.

During said junkyard fight, there are moments when you can see the potential in a “Doctor Strange” cartoon. Unfortunately, this episode doesn’t realize them. But you could do it. Even as cheap as they do this episode.

Jeffrey Wright gets to interact with the main story. His voice acting is worse when doing it, but Cumberbatch is somewhat risible, so it’s nice to have a reminder “What If” doesn’t promise any good acting whatsoever. Of course, Wong, Swinton, and Amadi are fine. McAdams seems to have contributed a paragraph of dialogue they keep rearranging, but she’s at least better than Cumberbatch or Wright.

The most compelling experience during the episode is waiting for Wanda to show up since she’s supposedly more powerful than Doctor Strange in the MCU now. Clearly, Elizabeth Olsen has a better agent than Cumberbatch.

Otherwise, it’s just marveling at how cheap the animation’s getting and Cumberbatch’s inability to emote.

What If…? (2021) s01e03 – What If… the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?

What a profoundly stinky stinker of an episode. And not just because the writing is terrible (script credit to A.C. Bradley and Matthew Chauncey), the animation is sparse and cheap, and Lake Bell does a terrible job voicing Black Widow. Because everything about it is bad. Down to the villain reveal. “What If… the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” is about three fateful days in 2010 when Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk and Thor 1 are all happening simultaneously—whoever thought that bad idea need realizing was wrong—except someone’s killing all the mighty heroes.

Now, the episode opens during a scene in Iron Man 2. Samuel L. Jackson’s back—Jackson puts in way more of a voice performance than the animation deserves, especially when there’s a semi-Matrix fight scene with him and you wonder if someone got him and Larry Fishburne confused—but Bell’s voicing Black Widow (one assumes Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t have been back even if she wasn’t suing Disney for what amounts to sexual discrimination) and not great actor Mick Wingert is playing the Robert Downey Jr. part. Luckily it’s a brief performance because the scene ends with Iron Man dropping dead and Black Widow in custody.

Except Sam Jackson knows she’s good, so he breaks her out and gives her the mission to find out what’s really going on. She interrupts a scene in The Incredible Hulk; Mark Ruffalo plays Ed Norton’s Bruce Banner, and Stephanie Panisello plays Liv Tyler’s Betty Ross. Panisello’s worse than Bell, which is saying something, but the animation on this part of the episode is the cheapest, so it’s having an increasingly negative effect. Plus, the writing’s terrible, and the sequence is boring, and they couldn’t convince William Hurt to do a half dozen lines. So instead, Michael Patrick McGill fills in as the general hunting the Hulk, and… well, McGill’s not William Hurt.

At the same time, Jackson’s trying to avert an alien invasion of Earth without having to use his Captain Marvel beeper because you know Brie Larson’s not showing up, so Bell’s on her own.

It’s a silly, lousy episode with some really cheap moments. Not narratively cheap. Even though the whole thing ends up based on a twist reveal and one too close to DC Comics’s Identity Crisis wavelength—because if DC’s not going to adapt their material, Marvel’s fine using it. But visually cheap. The animation is of the “too cheap to be taken seriously” variety. Disney+ didn’t even give them enough money to get through ninety minutes without the cash running out. What a gem.

I guess… kudos to Jackson for holding it together? No one else is anywhere near as professional. Clark Gregg sounds like he’s literally phoning it in. Tom Hiddleston shows up for a bit and does a little better. But only a little. Jeremy Renner seems held hostage. And is Jaimie Alexander trying to sound British?

You know who’s actually just fine this episode? Jeffrey Wright. He’s got the least amount of lines ever, and it works for his performance.

What If…? (2021) s01e02 – What If… T’Challa Became a Star-Lord?

This episode of “What If” answers the burning question… what if Guardians of the Galaxy hadn’t been an attempt to reach the blandest white bread audience in the Marvel Universe? What if they’d hired an actually charming leading man instead of Chris Pratt? And, as I’ll never pass up an opportunity to diss the worst Chris, he doesn’t show up for this episode. Many other Guardians vets show. Including Josh Brolin—because the story affects Infinity War—Benicio Del Toro, who’s delightfully played as an anime villain, and Kurt Russell.

John Kani is back from Captain America III as Black Panther dad, who apparently doesn’t get killed off in this universe.

The episode opens with a rehash of the Guardians intro, but here Djimon Hounsou is very impressed with Chadwick Boseman, who has turned the intergalactic gang the Ravagers into a band of Merry Men (in the sort of most appropriate white way possible they identify Boseman’s character with Robin Hood instead of finding like a real African hero). Boseman can reason everyone down from violence, including Brolin, who doesn’t destroy half the galaxy instead argues academically about it like any good classical liberal.

It’s fun. Some of the action sequences are a little long, and since it’s a heist narrative, writer Matthew Chauncey apparently felt obligated to throw in some ruses and red herrings. Not to mention the ending steals the episode away from Boseman, which is a particular dig since they then dedicate it to him in the end credits. Probably could’ve made it work with him getting to finish it out and still had the suck-up to white male mediocrity.

Would it be fun without being Boseman? Probably but it definitely wouldn’t hit the same. Michael Rooker’s all right. Gillan’s good. Brolin’s fun. Hounsou’s hilarious. I wish he’d get to have so much fun in live-action sometime. And, again, Del Toro’s good. There’s also a not long enough Seth Green is Howard the Duck scene; it’s still unclear if the bit has any potential. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be funny, but they’re trying to delay that evaluation.

As the narrating Watcher… Jeffrey Wright’s less annoying than last episode.

The strangest part of this one is the seeming admission it’d have made a better movie the first time around this way.

What If…? (2021) s01e01 – What If… Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?

One of the joys of an old What If comic was seeing how the epilogue played out. Spider-Man ends up with eight arms and eating New York, whatever. The show’s apparently not going to do interesting epilogues because they want to bring in big-name guest stars from the major properties.

So instead of Hayley Atwell getting a character arc as she gets to imagine her Captain America part being more than “the girl with asterisks”—though the story still centers on Steve Rogers—it’s just a rehash of that movie. There’s a second-act twist—Atwell’s Captain Carter (not Britain?) gets the magic MacGuffin away from the bad guys—but they just get it back in time for the Cthulhu-inspired finale. Which takes place in an evil Disney tower. Captain America: The First Avenger was before the Disney deal and before Kevin Fiege cut out the Marvel Comics brain trust slash penny pinchers, so this “What If” is also some insight into what they’d do differently today.

Instead of laser zappers so there’s no blood, the Hydra agents have regular guns, but there’s still no blood because they’re Captain Carter fodder. And the Black guy in the Howling Commandos isn’t as present or visible.

And then there’s the voice casting. First off, Jeffrey Wright’s lousy as the Watcher. I’m not sure what the Watcher is supposed to sound like (I imagine helium voice because it’s funny), but Wright’s ostensibly in the Orson Welles or James Earl Jones vein. Forget Rebel Alliance and traitors, Wright can’t even muster whirled peas. Thankfully he doesn’t narrate the whole episode.

But then there’s the regular cast. Since Steve Rogers is still a main character and Atwell showed for all Chris Evans’s outings, maybe he’ll show up for her? Nope, can’t literally phone in a performance (versus metaphorically phoning in a performance like Bradley Whitford or Sebastian Stan). Atwell’s fine. Josh Keaton—filling in for Evans—is mostly acceptable. The dialogue’s not great, neither is the sound editing, but there are occasional flashes of inspiration. One of the Nazis Atwell punches out makes a Disney villain punch-out face, for example.

And the Nazi Disney castle.

Disney+ is targeting fewer quadrants with “What If,” so they’re doing it on the cheap. It’s not just the animation, they’re not even willing to pay for graphics for the end titles. I guess it’s interesting to see return-on-investment realities hit the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Disney pays for less and less, but… damn, isn't the real question–what if Marvel did right by its long-time female stars?

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e16 – Under Color of Law

“Michael Hayes 4.0” continues with zero emphasis on David Caruso’s character, other than his potential as a righteous savior. And writers Ray Hartung and John Romano (it may be Romano’s best episode or maybe second best, but it’s aces compared to his usual) find a great place for him to save—upstate New York cop Brian Wimmer pulls over a young woman, rapes and murders her, gets away with it because he’s a fucking cop. Only the prosecuting attorney (an in-it-too-little Jenny O’Hara) knows it’s just the kind of wrong Caruso will want to right, even if the Attorney General of the United States is behind rapist, murderer cops.

Caruso hangs around the office most of the time, bickering with Peter Outerbridge (who wants to suck up to the Attorney General because white man) and getting updates on the case from Ruben Santiago-Hudson and Rebecca Rigg, who do all the legwork for the first half of the episode, until it’s time for Caruso to menace the truth out of the lying witnesses for Wimmer.

The biggest change—other than brief backstory about Caruso turning in a father figure when he was a teen for hurting people (is it supposed to scream Catholic priest?)—is the Attorney General no longer being an offscreen, implied Janet Reno, and rather Holland Taylor as a Mrs. Big type villain who just wants the system to prevail. Taylor’s not great playing an advocate of white supremacy, but kind of kudos to a show acknowledging it in 1998?

There’s some good acting in the guest stars: David Dukes as the victim’s father, Cynthia Ettinger as one of the witnesses, Phill Lewis as the Black cop who stands by racist Wimmer because small towns right. Sadly, Kyle Howard’s terrible as Ettinger’s teenage son. Wimmer’s great. Not sure it’s a compliment.

There are way too many poorly realized flashbacks—Lou Antonio’s direction is fine but bad flashbacks are one of the few things “Hayes” has kept going since jump; they make sense given star witness Howard certainly wouldn’t have been able to appropriately convey in exposition dumps, but they’re still poorly realized. “Hayes” flashbacks are black and white shaky cam.

It’s definitely better than I was expecting from new show runners Michael Pressman and Michael S. Chernuchin, even if it’s exploitative as hell and fairly thin. Bringing Taylor in has the whiff of defeat and Outerbridge being outright “raped murder victims deserve it,” which sets him up as a sub-villain now….

“Hayes”’s finite future is no doubt going to be bumpy.

Upload (2020) s01e06 – The Sleepover

Just as Allegra Edwards gets a redemption arc—two of them in fact—dead but living in a virtual reality simulation fiancé Robbie Amell starts getting close to his actual (vs. virtual) virtual assistant Andy Allo. Amell and Allo confide in one another about their suspicions regarding the A plot, which doesn’t usually get a lot of attention in “Upload” because the scripts are poorly plotted but whatever.

It’s “Upload,” there’s never much heavy lifting. Like when we find out Allo’s dad, Chris Williams, who’s dying from vape lung (no one knew it was dangerous until it was too late) and doesn’t want to be uploaded because he’s a Ludd (Luddite) goes on VR excursions using a joystick controller like it’s 1992. Because he just has to do the VR thing so much. It’s a weird (read, thoughtless) character detail and it doesn’t help Williams still isn’t very good. He’s better this episode. But he’s not good.

Edwards, on the other hand, is closer to being good than she’s ever been. She hangs out with Amell’s niece, Chloe Coleman, and ends up forming something of a human connection.

It’s too obvious and Edwards is too thin, writing and acting–but it’s a nice change. Especially since the episode otherwise just wanted to make simultaneously unpleasant and obvious jokes about how rude Edwards’s family members are to her and Coleman. And how rude Edwards is to her family members. It’s “Upload” doing social commentary and it’s a fail.

Much better is Zainab Johnson and Kevin Bigley’s pure comedy subplot. It makes absolutely no sense as far as the show’s established technology but whatever. At least it’s amusing. Johnson’s great. The show wastes a lot of performances, but Johnson’s able to succeed in a way no one else in the cast can manage.

Allo’s got a subplot about dating living real guy Matt Ward, but it’s mostly time killer. “Upload”’s middling comedy is a big improvement over its flaccid melodrama.

Upload (2020) s01e05 – The Grey Market

Does “Upload” have a show bible the writers ignore—in this case Mike Lawrence, who at least writes a funny enough episode even if it completely breaks with the show’s established future logics-or does the show not have a show bible. Because it doesn’t lean heavy enough into the sitcom to not have its utterly broken reality not appear utterly broken.

And it manages to do it on multiple levels.

The Grey Market is where Robbie Amell takes fellow Upload (dead person’s consciousness uploaded to The Matrix ™) Rhys Slack to the shady digital app vendor spot. Where you can get unofficial patches and upgrades to your Upload avatar, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but hey, it’s been long enough “Chappelle's Show” rips can be homage and not rips.

Slack is a kid—who fell into the Grand Canyon, making him a YouTube hit—whose parents keep him the same age as when he died even though he wants to go through puberty. It’s the foulmouthed kid trope, but at least it’s funny? This episode’s got more laughs than any other episode of “Upload.”

It also has a decided lack of Allegra Edwards, which works out. It shouldn’t be such a boon given the major reveal in the previous episode’s cliffhanger but Edwards is such a energy suck it’s better to skip the A plot than involve her.

Anyway. Amell’s babysitting Slack and Kevin Bigley—who oscillates from as bad as he seems to less bad than he seems—convinces him to go to the grey market so they can get hacks to go to the VR floors, where living people have avatars, and have virtual sex with real women… only without letting these real women know they’re dead guys.

It’s charming.

The episode does get to the right places eventually—surprisingly so—but it’s cheaply done. But also funnier than usual and without Edwards. Plus more Zainab Johnson, who’s at least good, even if her writing is thin.

Andy Allo’s got a subplot with her dad, Chris Williams, who’s nowhere near good enough in what should’ve been a stunt cast. But Allo’s effective even with the bad future setting writing.

And the cliffhanger is genuinely distressing.

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (2012) s03e04 – Blood & Money

“Miss Fisher’s,” as a rule, doesn’t do children in danger episodes. There’s been at least one other one, maybe another (but I don’t think really think so), but this episode opens with a kid buried in a shallow grave. It’s very intense right off.

Though it’s also got some post-war things to work through and they’re not as intense as usual so it sort of evens out.

Essie Davis’s client this episode–though Dr. Mac (Tammy Macintosh) is also going to have need of her)—is young Jarin Towney. He and his brother live on the very mean streets of Collingwood, where they hear of heroic Miss Fisher and her golden revolver. It’s pretty awesome to hear about the lore; Davis is a real-life (non-powered) superhero, she should have a fan club.

Towney’s aforementioned brother is missing; will Davis take the case and find him? Pretty soon, Macintosh is calling with some bad news—that dead boy in the shallow grave from the cold open? They find him near her hospital.

And it turns out there are three boys missing in total, so even if it’s not Towney’s brother, there’s still something very unpleasant going on.

The prime suspects are a nurse (Diana Glenn) and a severely disfigured war veteran (James O'Connell), who Davis and Ashleigh Cummings espy being up to strange shenanigans but maybe not illicit ones. Macintosh and her boss, Dan Spielman, are trying to get a donation to the hospital to fund a veteran rehabilitation program and the dead kids thing is really not helping. So Davis is doubly on the case.

And not just because she’s the Collingwood girl made (quite) good.

It’s a good mystery, with some excellent twists, and a decent enough finish. Besides the danger to the kids, there’s also the surprising unpleasantness of Hugo Johnstone-Burt’s subplot. He’s been cast out of home because of his conversion to Catholicism (for Cummings) and he’s keeping that situation secret from her. It’s the darkest Johnstone-Burt’s ever had to go and it’s rather affecting.

No drama for Nathan Page and Davis this episode, just the comfortable flirting—though there is a touch of some significant, which Cummings interrupts. It’s a good episode; Towney and Davis are excellent together.

When you think about it, it’s kind of a surprise she hasn’t assembled The Esplanade Peculiars yet. She does live at 221B, after all.

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (2012) s03e03 – Murder & Mozzarella

So I thought this episode was one of those pre-1980s Mafia stories where they never referred to the Mafia by name because they call it the Camorra here but the Camorra is actually a different Italian criminal organization. The more you know.

Miss Fisher (Essie Davis) and Inspector Jack (Nathan Page)—or should I say, Inspector Johnny—versus the mob was not an episode of “Miss Fisher’s” I was expecting. But I also wasn’t expecting Page to have another chaste love interest… you get the impression he spends most nights drinking with Davis.

But no. He’s off at an Italian restaurant making eyes at comely widow Louisa Mignone, who’s making just as many eyes back. We finally get to see Davis jealous. And Page reveling in it; well, at least as much as Page would revel in it. Until things get serious with Mignone, whose restaurant is part of a feud.

Mignone’s father-in-law Vince D'Amico is both chef and mob boss and he says the other Italian restaurant has been stealing their recipes. Given the other restaurant’s chef, Annette Serene, is super-mean, it seems possible. In fact, D’Amico and his family are sure Serene’s family had D’Amico’s son (and Mignone’s husband) killed. Because they take cooking very seriously.

There’s also kids Danielle Horvat and Paul Pantano—then Robert Mammone, who’s Horvat’s father and Serene’s son-in-law—he’s also a widower—plus enforcer Alex Andreas.

It’s a very full episode, which director Peter Andrikidis maneuvers quite well. Especially since there’s also the big subplot about Ashleigh Cummings finally convincing Hugo Johnstone-Burt to convert to Catholicism and it turns out he’s all for it once he discovers Cummings has to do whatever he says because he’s the husband. Cummings, on the other hand, thinks maybe the Church has got that one wrong.

Really good performance this episode from Page—the closest he’s had to a showcase maybe ever—and the finale’s excellent.