Michael Hayes (1997) s01e22 – Vaughn Mower

So I missed the penultimate episode because streaming rights or something but I wouldn’t be surprised to find it had more of a conclusive feel than this episode. Something about the one feels like they held it from an earlier airdate and retooled it.

Though there was a recent plot point where someone made fun of Rebecca Rigg’s hair so maybe she got it recut to match her original hairstyle.

The episode’s about Ruben Santiago-Hudson’s first wife’s murderer, Luis Guzman, getting out on parole and Santiago-Hudson stalking him. Given Santiago-Hudson’s first wife is a retcon (or at least a “this episode” reveal), it doesn’t end up being a particularly effective arc. Partially because there’s just no weight behind the story since it’s all new backstory, partially because director Tim Hunter—whose contribution I was pleasantly anticipating—absolutely fails on the direction. The scenes between Santiago-Hudson and new wife Tembe Locke are really thin. And Guzman’s a wasted guest cast.

The B plot is Caruso investigating former boss and very infrequent guest star (hasn’t been around since the first thirteen) Philip Baker Hall on bribery allegations. The show seems to forget it’s already used this exact plot line with one of Caruso’s other mentors, but maybe going through three or four batches of show runners confused everyone. Especially if this episode is airing nine episodes late, since it appears to have Mary S. Ward and Jimmy Galeota dealing with David Cubitt in the witness protection program. Only the last anyone saw Cubitt he was bleeding out on the sidewalk in a hastily done scene, which literally no one ever refers to again. Because the show doesn’t assume anyone watches the show; never a good sign.

It only gets really interesting at the end, when all of a sudden—out of nowhere—there’s this heavy implication Ward has been madly crushing on brother-in-law and better dad to her kid than his brother Caruso the entire show. Even though there’s been not even zero romantic chemistry between them but anti-romantic chemistry; Cubitt being irrationally jealous was one of his character traits.

Really bad series finale. Okay episode, minus the weirdly bad direction from Hunter, who either couldn’t figure out how to compose for perspective or was trying a new style thing and it’s just bad. He seems to be going for environments confining the actors thing, which does not work with the worst in a while music from Roger Neill. The music’s obnoxious.

“Michael Hayes” is a sterling example of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. It’s really too bad they couldn’t crack the series, given the cast quality, though it really did teach Caruso how to act for CBS. Good for him and all, just not good for his acting. But who knows… maybe they just cut all the character work. Sure seems like it at the end of this episode.

It’s too bad.

It’s also really unfair they never had Jodi Long as a regular even though she did more episodes than anyone but Caruso and Santiago-Hudson.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e20 – Devotion

It’s an almost entirely middling episode with a great as always guest star performance from Joanna Gleason—she’s married to family values congressman, Jim Haynie, who’s schtupping Godly campaign worker Gina Philips—and they’re getting death threats because Haynie wasn’t pro-gun enough with the Republican party’s white supremacist base. The episode opens with David Caruso on a politics talk show opposite Haynie, who just rambles about the culture war, before we find out Caruso’s only on the show because he’s dating host Susanna Thompson.

The episode’s B plot is Thompson getting a job offer in Los Angeles and having to figure it out with Caruso whether or not they can keep going. They’ve only been dating a few weeks (at most) but it’s ostensible character development for Caruso so the show’s going to pretend Thompson might stick around. Who knows, maybe they’re floating second season possibilities by the network (though at this point “Hayes” was in summer burn-off so they were probably already not renewed). It’s hard not to see Thompson as a stand-in for Helen Slater, a similarly blonde, similarly upwardly mobile girlfriend Caruso had a while back. Maybe if she’d stuck around the story would have some heft to it. With Thompson, it’s fine, but it’s obviously filler.

The A plot is almost entirely Caruso and Rebecca Rigg, with Ruben Santiago-Hudson out of commission due to a foot injury—he at least shows up for a couple scenes throughout, whereas Peter Outerbridge and Hillary Danner are as forgotten as Caruso’s extended family. It’s such a weird show; they aimed low, they aimed high, they aimed desperate, and it turns out their best goal was just being middling. Get good guest stars, do a reasonably engaging investigation procedural (it’s inexplicable why Caruso and company—i.e. Caruso and Rigg, though Jodi Long gets a bunch to do presumably because it wasn’t in her guest star contract to shoot pilots or get to run away after the show didn’t get renewed). Both Rigg and Caruso have acting moments where you remember the show used to be better, used to require better acting moments. Not anymore.

As “Michael Hayes” heads towards its sunset, it’s nice it isn’t going out on its low point (there’s still time of course) but it’d almost be better if it had. Reminding of all its potential—and its occasional successes—doesn’t do it any good.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e19 – Power Play

The entire episode hinges on Allison Smith’s performance as a Patty Hearst-type who falls in with a post-Waco vengeance militia. Or at least if it were good it would. The performance. The episode’s not bad, with decent guest star turns from Byron Minns as a suspicious ATF agent, and then Linda Carlson and Frank Converse as Smith’s parents. But it’s nowhere near as good as it ought to be.

The episode spotlights Smith, time and again, even though she just draws attention to the flimsiness of the story. The real story kicks off after the episode’s over—given all the reveals on what’s been going on before the episode. David Caruso and Peter Outerbridge are trying one of the militia guys for murder only Smith shows up to say Minns is lying. They start investigating (Ruben Santiago-Hudson is around at this point in the episode… he’s going to disappear, hopefully to shoot a safety pilot for next season), bringing in Converse—a hard ass blue blood judge—and Carlson and giving Outerbridge a decent scene or two but then Minns arrests Smith and it becomes Single White Female all of a sudden. Smith starts stalking Caruso and so on.

The conclusion—or more like second half of the episode—has one of the militia members taking hostages in a federal building and Caruso trying to convince Smith to help de-escalate the situation. Hillary Danner’s around presumably because it was her week not to go off and shoot that safety pilot (in addition to Santiago-Hudson vanishing from the episode, Rebecca Rigg never appears). Though Jimmy Galeota does show up for a couple scenes to remind when Caruso had some kind of character development on the show. Some kind of character even.

Before the hostage situation, the episode has a mildly intriguing thing going—it’s doing Caruso investigating government conspiracies without it being the conspiracy mythology the show’s been trying to gin up and the corruption angle is engaging–but once the hostage thing takes over….

It all of a sudden matters whether episode director Vahan Moosekian is going to be able to make it thrilling (he’s not) or suspenseful (also no). And then to have it all be about Smith during that portion of the episode too… it just doesn’t work. It can’t. Bonnie Marks gets the script credit and the script’s at fault for many of the episode’s problems, including Smith’s character and its writing. But everyone else is able to make the writing work—Jodi Long finally gets more to do after being office scenery for most of the series (she hasn’t had anything to do until she had to tell Caruso not to be passively racist about ten episodes ago) and then ends up getting the shit end of the stick in a scene to showcase Converse’s privilege.

With a good lead guest star and a better plot, this episode could’ve been a slam dunk. Instead, it’s just not as bad as the new normal (yet still manages to remind the show’s a shambles of its potential).

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e18 – Gotterdammerung

It’s recognizable guest star week on “Michael Hayes.” Lots of guest stars. Sadly former “Facts of Life” co-stars Meredith Scott Lynn and Charlotte Rae don’t share any scenes. But there’s also the return of Larry Miller—he gets a “special appearance” credit—and does his best Gene Hackman in “The Conversation” (or Gene Hackman in Enemy of the State trailers) as a CIA agent who gives David Caruso the dirt on the CIA hiring on a bunch of Nazis after World War II, which is true but the show’s so silly at the conspiracy stuff it doesn’t come off truthy. The main guest star is Lawrence Dobkin, playing an elderly German immigrant who changes his testimony on the stand. He’s testifying against other guest star Vyto Ruginis.

Dobkin changes his story right after Holocaust survivor Rae spots him in the court house, in such an obvious sequence (even without the show’s “cut in a Nazi uniform” montage technique, even worse than the show’s flashback devices) you have to wonder if Hillary Danner’s character is supposed to have never seen or heard of Marathon Man.

Last recognizable guest star is Lawrence Pressman as the government Nazi hunter who tries to find out the story on Dobkin.

Meanwhile, Caruso, Danner, Peter Outerbridge, and Ruben Santiago-Hudson are all scrambling to save the case against Ruginis (for murdering a federal agent) while wondering if they fell for an old Nazi’s lies or if Rae’s just mistaken.

Once the CIA gets involved, Miller comes back for a scene—which just leads Caruso off to another visit with jailed CIA whistleblower now conspiracy crank Thomas Kopache (who isn’t a recognizable guest star so much as what I assume is a desperate attempt at appealing to “X-Files” viewers)—and then Caruso’s got to figure out how to uncover all the secrets.

There’s some good acting. Rae’s really good, Pressman’s good, Dobkin’s pretty good—the problem for Dobkin is he’s in it too much, doing too little, and the script (credited to show runner Michael S. Chernuchin and Barry Schkolnick) doesn’t really know how to do the story. The script shoehorns in conspiracy when it’d have been more affecting and effective without it. The regular cast just gets to be angry about Dobkin hoodwinking them—or is he—and all of a sudden you’ve got a roomful of righteous rage and not just the seething righteous rage of Caruso. Caruso’s righteous fury a lot more effective when the bad guys aren’t potentially actual Nazis. It’s over kill, lighting a burner with a flamethrower; though it does give Caruso endless one-liner deliveries to try out, just not a lot of acting.

It’s well-acted enough, just really thinly written—the episode disappoints in an all new way; even towards the end of the season, “Michael Hayes” can always find a new fail vector.

Also, one final complaint—no Rebecca Rigg (but Danner, who’s been sitting out Rigg episodes). Not sure why they can’t be on the same episodes anymore, possibly because all the characters are purely functional at this point.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e17 – Lawyers, Guns and Money

I desperately wanted Joe Spano’s guest spot to be the worst part of the episode. Even as Spano continued to try to chew the scenery, his mouth open, half-chewed chunks falling out all over the place, if Spano were the worst thing… it’d be tolerable at least.

Sadly, no, they go full “plans within plans” conspiracy nonsense. I had been hoping not having new co-showrunner Michael S. Chernuchin’s name on the writing credits (it’s Fred Golan solo) would somehow keep it at bay. Or, actually, they’d just let the silly storyline—David Caruso versus the shadow government—drop. I mean, they let David Cubitt getting knifed to death in the street a few episodes ago drop; instead he apparently magically survived and is off in witness protection (the forecasted conclusion of the story arc before the shock stabbing). It gives Caruso something to do with infrequent regulars Mary B. Ward and Jimmy Galeota. Galeota’s been cutting Cubitt out of family photos, which is incredible when you think it’s because Cubitt died. Only “Michael Hayes” isn’t for people who watched the whole show, just some of the show.

If you watched the whole show, for instance, you might wonder whatever became of Hillary Danner. Rebecca Rigg gets a single scene here—Danner must’ve been busy trying to line up a pilot for the next season. Peter Outerbridge is still around, providing vaguely suspicious blue blood opposite righteous Caruso. Though Caruso’s not in the episode anywhere near as much as Ruben Santiago-Hudson, who takes it personally when an Eastern European diplomatic attache (Levani) starts selling guns to thirteen year-old Black kids. Santiago-Hudson’s got to flip Levani’s contacts, first Cress Williams (in a lousy part but with a bunch of solid energy) and then Tangi Miller. Miller’s Levani’s kept girlfriend, who knows more about drug running than she thinks.

Miller’s pretty good considering her part makes absolutely no sense the further the episode goes on. There’s not really any legalese in Golan’s script, just one liners from Caruso (unknowingly prepping that “CSI: Miami” audition no doubt), and vague conspiracy crap. There’s an oil pipeline, there’s an election, blah, blah, blah. Two fits of performative physical rage from Caruso, which makes you really hope secretary Jodi Long doesn’t have to clean up after him.

I was really hoping the show didn’t keep offering limbs to the sharks, but it’s apparently just going to be lathering itself in chum from now on.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e16 – Under Color of Law

“Michael Hayes 4.0” continues with zero emphasis on David Caruso’s character, other than his potential as a righteous savior. And writers Ray Hartung and John Romano (it may be Romano’s best episode or maybe second best, but it’s aces compared to his usual) find a great place for him to save—upstate New York cop Brian Wimmer pulls over a young woman, rapes and murders her, gets away with it because he’s a fucking cop. Only the prosecuting attorney (an in-it-too-little Jenny O’Hara) knows it’s just the kind of wrong Caruso will want to right, even if the Attorney General of the United States is behind rapist, murderer cops.

Caruso hangs around the office most of the time, bickering with Peter Outerbridge (who wants to suck up to the Attorney General because white man) and getting updates on the case from Ruben Santiago-Hudson and Rebecca Rigg, who do all the legwork for the first half of the episode, until it’s time for Caruso to menace the truth out of the lying witnesses for Wimmer.

The biggest change—other than brief backstory about Caruso turning in a father figure when he was a teen for hurting people (is it supposed to scream Catholic priest?)—is the Attorney General no longer being an offscreen, implied Janet Reno, and rather Holland Taylor as a Mrs. Big type villain who just wants the system to prevail. Taylor’s not great playing an advocate of white supremacy, but kind of kudos to a show acknowledging it in 1998?

There’s some good acting in the guest stars: David Dukes as the victim’s father, Cynthia Ettinger as one of the witnesses, Phill Lewis as the Black cop who stands by racist Wimmer because small towns right. Sadly, Kyle Howard’s terrible as Ettinger’s teenage son. Wimmer’s great. Not sure it’s a compliment.

There are way too many poorly realized flashbacks—Lou Antonio’s direction is fine but bad flashbacks are one of the few things “Hayes” has kept going since jump; they make sense given star witness Howard certainly wouldn’t have been able to appropriately convey in exposition dumps, but they’re still poorly realized. “Hayes” flashbacks are black and white shaky cam.

It’s definitely better than I was expecting from new show runners Michael Pressman and Michael S. Chernuchin, even if it’s exploitative as hell and fairly thin. Bringing Taylor in has the whiff of defeat and Outerbridge being outright “raped murder victims deserve it,” which sets him up as a sub-villain now….

“Hayes”’s finite future is no doubt going to be bumpy.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e15 – Imagine: Part 2

Despite some better than necessary acting from the guest stars and nicely competent direction from Mel Damski (though Damski can’t make the silly black and white flashbacks to last episode work and every time they’re jarring and terrible and there are a lot of times), it’s a reductive conclusion to the big conspiracy two-parter.

Given the timing, had the Enemy of the State trailer come out yet? Were CBS and new show runners Michael S. Chernuchin (who also gets sole writer credit here) and Michael Pressman just trying to get into the zeitgeist? Because even though the episode convinces most of the regular cast the world is being run by a combination of the mob and Wall Street, the conclusion punts on it. I suppose “The X-Files” was running at the time too, right? Is “Michael Hayes 4.0” going to be David Caruso versus aliens? Fingers crossed.

The episode opens with Jimmy Galeota and Mary B. Ward coming back to the show for the first time in a couple episodes. Everyone’s gotten over their grieving apparently and the dead brother, dead husband, dead father elephant in the room never gets a nod or even addressed. Chernuchin very intentionally doesn’t give Caruso much acting to do—and Damski directs for the guest stars—so it’s impossible to read any character development into the performances. There’s just a new normal and they’re trying again. Maybe this time they’ll figure it out.

Everyone’s working the conspiracy angle, which brings in Alex Rocco as a guest star (there’s also a Godfather 2 reference no one acknowledges, making it worse); Chris Mulkey’s back for a scene and he’s still bad. But Kevin Conway—who only gets a couple—is still fun. Lisa Banes and Gail Strickland are the good guest stars.

Larry Miller shows up in an overly suspicious conspiratorial part but, I mean, he’s still good. It’s Larry Miller.

“Michael Hayes” never really got a good break. The show’s first pass was already trying to correct, it got rushed through what seems to have been the most earnest stretch, and now we’re in the desperate for attention phase.

There’s a solid chunk of the season for them to try to correct or just to continue to fail, but retracting the scope of the conspiracy angle really feels like they tried sacrificing a limb to the shark in the first tank to swim on to the second.

It’s very hard to be upbeat about the show’s potential at this point.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e14 – Imagine: Part 1

Well, it makes sense why the previous episode closed off two plot threads with big ol’ cop outs—“Michael Hayes” has got a new pair of drivers. This episode adds Michael S. Chernuchin (single writing credit on the episode) and Michael Pressman (director of the episode) as executive producers. Their big idea for what to do with the show is make it as sensational as possible, with David Caruso and company hunting down a Unabomber-esque suspect who the FBI has been hiding from the public for eight years because Waco.

We’ve also gone from Caruso just waiting for his permanent appointment to the unnamed but it’s Janet Reno boss in Washington out to get him. And Ruben Santiago-Hudson has become a fascist.

There’s nothing about the bombshells in Caruso’s life in the last episode, even though part of the case involves sibling loyalty and he doesn’t flinch at it. I suppose you can imagine Caruso added something to the performance because of the previous events but… there’s nothing in the script. Outside the characters, the show’s tabula rasa.

There are a bunch of guest stars—got to have persons of interest in a procedural (Caruso’s not running around with a gun at least, just personally investigating the crime and interviewing witnesses). Kevin Conway’s the reporter who helps Caruso leak the story and then becomes integral to the investigation because it’s Kevin Conway. Gail Strickland’s good as the woman who thinks her brother has become the bomber. Lisa Banes is an antagonist defense attorney who has history with Caruso and gets the best acting out of him. Chris Mulkey’s a weasely FBI agent. Harley Venton is the former CIA wetworks guy with all the answers whether Caruso wants to hear the truth or not.

Venton’s godawful and might be the first shark Fonz is jumping over after zooming towards the ramp. Mulkey’s part of the ramp.

None of the regular cast gets much to do since Caruso’s doing all the investigating and interviewing himself (after Santiago-Hudson gets done with a fine Richard Riehle). Rebecca Rigg maybe gets the most after Santiago-Hudson. Hillary Danner gets the least (i.e. she’s only in full group scenes). Peter Outerbridge in between Rigg and Danner.

Thanks to Chernuchin and Pressman, “Michael Hayes” feels like sensationalized CBS nonsense, which it’s kind of amazing they managed to avoid until now. At least Caruso’s not running around with a pistol taking shots at suspects but… who knows what will happen once the Fonz is over the next shark.

It’s also a two-parter so I suppose there’s the slim chance the new guys’ll save it in the landing.

Or the shark will eat them.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e13 – Arise and Fall

Even with some big cop outs—so big it’s practically another soft reset of the series—it’s either the best or second best episode with show co-creator John Romano’s name in the writing credits. Most of the episode is a “day in the life” of the people working at the U.S. Attorney’s office; more of a few days in the life, but still. The episode’s got a nice scale to it.

Arise and Fall starts with David Caruso complaining about cockroaches to secretary Jodi Long, which ends up driving both B plots. There’s going to be some evidence mishandling, giving Ruben Santiago-Hudson something to do all episode, but also will provide another aspect to the Peter Outerbridge learns blue bloods can be problem employees too story arc. Outerbridge has just won a case with previously unseen because it’s a huge office attorney Brian McNamara (and Hillary Danner). They’re going to form a subplot group throughout the episode, starting with them opening up the series’s hang out restaurant for coffee after a night of celebrating.

Outerbridge hasn’t had a lot to do on the show and he handles this story arc quite well. Though the episode completely goes with “sexually harass a woman” to fuel her male colleagues’ character development trope. Women, regular cast or guest stars, are fairly disposable around here. Mary Ward even shows up for a couple scenes to establish something for back again David Cubitt to pick up later.

Caruso spends the first half of the episode dealing with the outstanding “girlfriend Helen Slater is possibly on the mob payroll” multi-episode arc, which has Arye Gross showing up for a two scenes as the investigator, which ends up being as many scenes as Slater gets. It’ll end up being one of the big cop outs.

The second half’s A plot—the episode’s fairly balanced so the only reason it’s the A plot is because it’s Caruso’s—is about Cubitt turning himself in and Caruso trying to work it all out.

Outside the opening cockroach conversation, most of Caruso’s scenes have him pensively, silently reacting to either news or giving news to someone. The episode takes its time with those moments, with director Richard J. Lewis letting Caruso find the meat in the scenes. It’s nice Lewis takes the time, especially since the only other distinctive aspect of his direction is how poorly he directs kid Jimmy Galeota. Like, the writing’s not great on Galeota (who’s emotional fodder for the Cubitt subplot, just like Ward) but still. They should’ve kept doing takes until they got something a little better.

It’s a mostly high mediocre episode (as it combats the first half cop out), with the second big cop out dragging it down at the end.

But, hey, maybe they’ll finally figure out what to do with the show next episode.

Michael Hayes (1997) s01e12 – Mob Mentality

An episode after I list Anne Kenney as one of the show’s reliable writers, she turns in this whiff of an episode. Obviously it’s not all her fault—there are multi-episode stories and Helen Slater’s guest star arc in play—but even taking those elements out… there’s a lot of problems. Actually, the Slater stuff—while disappointing—isn’t even the big problem (with the episode, the series’s momentum is another thing).

The big problem is the A plot trial, which has Rebecca Rigg and Hillary Danner trying Black man Perry Moore for inciting a fellow rioter to kill a couple Jewish guys; there’s a riot because it’s that story about the rabbi running over a little Black girl and driving away. There was a “Law & Order” about it too.

It’s very weird and hopefully was just as weird at the time, because the episode’s all about how white people are justifiably scared of Black people—specifically Ruben Santiago-Hudson—and how it turns out they’re justified. Also Black people aren’t at all interested in being truthful, so there’s another of Kenney’s big flexes. It’s the two white women—Rigg and Danner—who get the moral authority here, because even though he’s only around to observe and call them “ladies” in a seemingly unintentional but actual patronizing way, Caruso’s in Santiago-Hudson’s court. He too cares more about the dead Black girl, which Rigg and Danner are completely indifferent about.

The acting’s all fine. Nice John Capodice cameo as the judge. Jason Blicker is good as the Hassidic guy who survived the attack (his friend did not). Rigg’s good. She’s playing a bigot and everyone seems fine with it but whatever. She’s very believable at it. Santiago-Hudson has to absolve her of her bigotry at one point, which is a heck of a shitty scene. Additionally, Kenney doesn’t even have Rigg and Danner pass Bechdel?

The episode pays lip service to trying to responsibility navigate the “controversy” in the first few scenes, but it ends up being a bunch of whataboutery and specious equivalences. It’s a bummer.

Also a bummer is the court scene, where Rigg is facing off against guest star George Wyner as the defense attorney. Wyner always seems like he should be better. He’s fine—the episode’s got a bunch of good guest stars, including Richard Foronjy and Walter Olkewicz—but doesn’t get enough to do.

The cliffhanger from last episode doesn’t get addressed either; Caruso is too busy being obsessed about something else from last episode. It seemed like the show was going to do character development. Only instead it throws the character development in reverse in order to gin up some sensationalism.

It’s a bummer. The episode is a definite bummer. Especially since it brings up unconscious bias in the narrative; it’s a profoundly unaware script and puts Kenney on the bottom of the list of regular writers. Usually when the show’s tepid, it’s because it’s trying too hard to be macho, not literally being a Karen.

Good performance from Peter Outerbridge, who’s got a short but relevant subplot this episode after being office scenery for most of the series so far.