Frasier (1993) s05e17 – The Perfect Guy

As much as I’ve liked Billy Campbell over the years, seeing him guest on this episode of “Frasier” reveals his weirdly affable lack of network charm. His timing is just off or something. He lacks rapport with the costars. He’s fine, but he’s not great in what seems like a very Billy Campbell way. And he needs to be great because the B plot is about John Mahoney needing to pull one over a French store clerk to get Eddie the dog gourmet food. The A plot has Campbell starting work at the radio station and Kelsey Grammer being intensely jealous over Campbell’s good looks.

That intense, obsessive jealousy leads to Grammer befriending Campbell and throwing a party in his honor. Only we never see them hanging out. We never get an idea of what it looks like for them to hang out, which leads to the friendship having even less personality than Campbell. Meanwhile, the Mahoney subplot also brings in David Hyde Pierce and Jane Leeves. Hyde Pierce introduces the store to Mahoney, who gripes about the prices and pretense and pisses off shop keep François Giroday. Mahoney’s got to get more dog food and has to play nice with stuck-up French caricature Giroday, eventually involving Leeves in his schemes. It’s all very funny.

Whereas the A plot is just amusing. There’s a decent scene with Grammer, Peri Gilpin, Dan Butler, and Edward Hibbert at the radio station with everyone mooning over Campbell from afar. It’s the standout until the resolution. And the resolution’s great, but it’s like they figured out the punchline for the episode and just filled on everything else. Rob Greenberg gets the writing credit. It’s impressive for the Mahoney arc, less the Campbell one.

Oh, and Grammer’s got this weird romantic subplot with done-in-one coworker Lindsay Price, some twenty-one years his junior, who fawns over him. It sort of plays like an ego trip but for the comeuppance leg of the journey. It’s not even Price being bad, it’s just her being an absurd match for him.

It’s a fine episode, funny stuff at times, just something off about it starting with Campbell and spreading throughout.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992, Francis Ford Coppola)

On one hand, with the Wojciech Kilar score, Bram Stoker’s Dracula can get away with just about anything. On the other, with Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves playing leads… well, it needs something to help it get away with anything.

It helps neither Ryder or Reeves are the actual star of the film. Neither is top-billed Gary Oldman (as the Count). The star is director Coppola and his crew—cinematographer Michael Ballhaus, production designer Thomas E. Sanders, costume designer Eiko Ishioka (for better and worse), editors Anne Goursaud, Glen Scantlebury, and Nicholas C. Smith. And Kilar, of course. And whoever did all the amazing practical special effects; Bram Stoker’s is a very audiovisual experience. As the story itself belies reality, why should the film itself be any different an experience. Lots of inventive transitions, lots of creative composite shots to show Oldman’s faraway yet so close impact on the world of his victims. Shame James V. Hart’s screenplay isn’t anywhere near as experimental or imaginative. The script’s big deviation from the novel—in addition to Anthony Hopkins’s Van Helsing being crude—is Ryder falling in love with Oldman because she’s his reincarnated fifteenth century wife, who killed herself thinking he’d died in battle, which caused him to renounce God and become… a vampire.

The most interesting thing about Bram Stoker’s is how any of it would make sense. Like, Oldman’s castle is full of paintings done after Ryder’s death—Ryder the queen, not the young British woman with the questionable accent. Did he pay the painters or eat them? Because even though the film “humanizes” Oldman a little, it never makes him particularly reasonable as a character. Why, for instance, does he regrow a mustache when he de-ages himself and then shed it when he gets old again. Also, why does he get old again so often. Why did he get old in the first place? Wasn’t he eating enough villager? Seems like he was eating plenty of them.

Anyway.

None of those details matter because Bram Stoker’s looks great and has that Kilar score. Ryder can be bombing a questionably written scene—though, to be fair, it’s not like there are any strong performances in the film. Oldman’s got a few strong moments, a lot of okay ones, and some piddly ones too. But Kilar’s score can save the heck out of a scene. Given the lack of chemistry from Oldman towards Ryder and the lack of chemistry, accent, and acting from Ryder towards… everyone (save, maybe, best friend Sadie Frost), the melodramatic nineteenth century romance but kind of saucy scenes where Oldman has to remind himself to keep the fangs in are all mesmerizing thanks to how the music compliments the image. Bram Stoker’s is masterfully made. It’s far from a cinematic masterpiece, but Coppola does provide a solid facsimile of one. As long as you ignore the acting and the writing.

Whether Ryder would be better if the character were better—she falls in love with Oldman while fiancé Reeves is being held captive in faraway Oldman’s castle (it’s kind of hilarious how easily Reeves slips her mind—the film utilizes the novel’s epistolary format, turning the diary entries into narration from cast so we know she’s not thinking about Reeves); the falling in love while the dude’s away is literally her only thing. Ryder’s not even worried about Frost, who Oldman’s attacking every night because she’s slutty and Ryder’s virginal. Or something. It’s unclear why Oldman targets Frost in the first place, though maybe there was a scene explaining it… along with his London base being right next door to Richard E. Grant’s sanitarium, which is important but not really thanks to Hart’s script. It’s like Coppola came up with all the visual machinations to distract from Hart not having the best narrative.

Of course, it’d be disingenuous to the source material if Bram Stoker’s had a solid narrative.

And at least Ryder and Reeves are failing with questionable (at best) accents. Actual Brits Grant, Frost, and Cary Elwes all have extremely bad moments where you wish they’d just be screwing up accents. Grant can’t seem to take the thing seriously, Frost is out of her depth, and Elwes always seems like he’s just coming into the film for the first time, scene after scene. He makes no impression. Neither does Billy Campbell (as a very Texan Texan). In an extremely odd case of stunt-casting, Tom Waits disappoints as Oldman’s first solicitor, who’s gone mad and been committed and now eats bugs. Waits’s eccentric take seems more appropriate for a TV commercial than drama.

As for Hopkins… he could be worse. He’s not good, he doesn’t take the part seriously (how could he), but he could be worse.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula is a gorgeous exercise in technical filmmaking. And not much else.