Wonder Woman (1967, Leslie H. Martinson)

Here’s a weird one. A short pilot for a “Wonder Woman” sitcom. Ellie Wood Walker’s Diana Prince lives at home with her mother (Maudie Prickett), who wishes her daughter would just find a man.

The pilot consists mostly of their bickering, which isn’t unfunny–thoroughly modern Walker versus nagging Prickett. But once Walker changes into Wonder Woman, the pilot becomes very strange.

Yes, she’s a superhero, but she also sees herself as “beautiful.” At this point, neither Walker nor Prickett had called Walker homely; it’s unclear until the narrator explains.

Obviously, if the pilot had been picked up, it would have been a lousy show, but the idea is interesting. An otherwise completely confident woman whose superhero alter ego includes wish fulfillment unrelated to the “duties” of a superhero.

Walker is appealing until the plot twist. Prickett balances annoying and funny pretty well….

It’s a strange few minutes of television.

Wonder Woman 3 (January 2012)

Does Wonder Woman really need a secret origin? If she does, she needs someone better than Azzarello writing it. His dialogue this issue, as Diana’s secret is revealed to her, is awful. I couldn’t read it fast enough and there was always more.

This issue also marks me giving up on Chiang. I love his art, but he’s clearly not right for this book. Wonder Woman’s big moment at the end is a complete flop and the way he draws both Amazons and gods is weak. I guess it’s something it’s weak for different reasons. The gods look like meth heads and the Amazons lack muscle definition; instead, Chiang just draws them big.

This issue sets up the rest of the series, making the fourth issue a jumping on point. It also makes this one a wonderful leaping off as fast as possible, damn the lifeboats point.

It’s really lame.

CREDITS

Clay; writer, Brian Azzarello; artist, Cliff Chiang; colorist, Matthew Wilson; letterer, Jared K. Fletcher; editors, Chris Conroy and Matt Idelson; publisher, DC Comics.

Wonder Woman 2 (December 2011)

I would love to read Azzarello’s pitch for Wonder Woman. “Let’s see, I’m going to empower women through promiscuity. Oh, and I’m going to have giants!”

This issue manages to burn through all the goodwill I had toward Chiang on the title in a few pages. Wonder Woman, her slutty (sorry, empowered) female charge and Hermes head to Paradise Island. Where we find out the Amazons are so advanced… they can’t even tell who’s invading them.

Then we meet Wonder Woman’s mom and Wonder Woman has a staff duel with some other Amazon. There are white Amazons and black Amazons and who knows what other kinds… I mean, Strife (the giant I mentioned before) is blue.

I thought these people were supposed to be Greeks and Romans.

Azzarello’s take on Wonder Woman is still a big question mark because she’s not an important player in the issue.

It’s rather crappy.

CREDITS

Home; writer, Brian Azzarello; artist, Cliff Chiang; colorist, Matthew Wilson; letterer, Jared K. Fletcher; editors, Chris Conroy and Matt Idelson; publisher, DC Comics.

Wonder Woman 1 (November 2011)

Part of me wants to be positive and say Brian Azzarello is trying. He is, right? There’s a lot of mythology being updated here and a whole thing with Zeus getting busy with a human girl again… I mean, it’s a Terminator knock-off, but there’s foundation for it.

But does trying make up for Azzarello’s writing being really weak? This issue open with some son of Zeus (Ares maybe?) doing bad things for a page or two, then we get to this farmhouse where we keep returning. Azzarello writes some lame narration from the mythological assassins’ points of view (I think) and Wonder Woman’s only in it as, you know, the T-800. Only without a character. It’s like if the Terminator from the first movie were a good guy, but without character development.

Cliff Chiang can’t draw mythological creatures, but he can draw everything else and quite well.

CREDITS

The Visitation; writer, Brian Azzarello; artist, Cliff Chiang; colorist, Matthew Wilson; letterer, Jared K. Fletcher; editors, Chris Conroy and Matt Idelson; publisher, DC Comics.

DC Retroactive: Wonder Woman – The ’90s 1 (October 2011)

I was unsure of Messner-Loebs’s return to Wonder Woman during the opening scene, featuring a bunch of boys in their “we hate girls” club getting lost in a cave. It seems too antiquated, maybe it’s just Lee Moder’s pencils–he can’t draw the boys to look young enough. They’re visually teenagers, too old for that sort of thing.

But then Wonder Woman shows up and the comic immediately gets good. Well, maybe not immediately–two pages after she arrives it does. It turns out Diana is going to be an unofficial camp counselor to a girl’s day camp (for Etta). It’s vapid material teenage girls learning to accomplish things and have pride in achievements and not shoes. Messner-Loebs even manages to be subtle about it at times. It’s a strong story, especially since all Diana’s character development is in the background.

It’s a very worthwhile, if gentle, read.

B+

CREDITS

Wonder Girls; writer, William Messner-Loebs; penciller, Lee Moder; inker, Dan Green; colorist, Christ Beckett; letterer, Dezi Sienty; editors, Chynna Clugston Flores and Kwanza Johnson; publisher, DC Comics.

DC Retroactive: Wonder Woman – The ’80s 1 (October 2011)

For three pages, Wonder Woman has good art. In their all-knowing wisdom, DC only had Carlos Rodriguez do three pages. The first part is by Rich Buckler, who’s not terrible, just not even mediocre. But the last part, by Tim Smith III, is absolutely hideous. I wonder if they were willy-nilly hiring artists, trying to make the issue a mess, since Roy Thomas’s script doesn’t deserve good art, much less publication.

Thomas’s script, full of casual sexism and atrocious expository dialogue, is one of the worst things I’ve read in a while. My favorite moment is when Silver Swan calls herself something 2.0. Now, since the story’s set in 1983, is just a dumb anarchism or is Thomas giving Swan credit for that catchphrase (based, presumably, on DOS releases).

Oh, I forgot how he kills her because she’s ugly.

It’s crap. Thomas probably can’t write grocery lists.

CREDITS

Double, Double…; writer, Roy Thomas; pencillers, Rich Buckler, Tim Smith III and Carlos Rodriguez; inkers, Joe Rubinstein, Jack Purcell, Norman Lee and Rodriguez; colorists, Kevin Colden and Matthew Petz; letterer, Travis Lanham; editors, Chynna Clugston Flores and Kwanza Johnson; publisher, DC Comics.

DC Retroactive: Wonder Woman – The ’70s 1 (September 2011)

I’ve never read Denny O’Neil’s seventies Wonder Woman, so I can’t compare this flashback to it. I know the seventies didn’t have J. Bone—imagine Darwyn Cooke if he was incompetent—so the art must have been better. As for O’Neil’s plot, it seems like something out of “Xena: Warrior Princess” after a while… only with Diana Prince in a pant suit.

Some of the problem is just O’Neil’s writing, not even his plotting. His narration from Diana is awful. There’s not a lot of it, actually—no verbose expository thought balloons, which is better than the alternative. Bone’s art is so loose and unfinished, I’m scared to think what it’d look like if he actually had to incorporate a lot of text balloons.

The plot’s dumb too; it doesn’t fit Bone’s style at all. I wonder if O’Neil knew the style the art would be….

Terrible in every department.

CREDITS

Savage Ritual; writer, Denny O’Neil; artist, J. Bone; colorist, Kevin Couden; letterer, Dezi Sienty; editors, Chynna Clugston Flores and Kwanza Johnson; publisher, DC Comics.

Wonder Woman (2011, Jeffrey Reiner)

When it gets to the conclusion, Wonder Woman finally distinguishes itself. Until this point, it has major problems—mostly acting, which I’ll get to in a second—and some great ideas. But there’s no balance between writer David E. Kelley’s thoughtful “reality” with a superhero and the day to day of Adrianne Palicki’s Wonder Woman. Until the finish, when director Reiner delivers a truly fantastic, exciting action sequence.

It’s completely unexpected and it works beautifully.

Except it’s starring Palicki and she’s bad. Sadly, she doesn’t even give the worst performance. Elizabeth Hurley gets that honor.

Rather good performances from Tracie Thoms and Cary Elwes can’t save it. Kelley’s pointedly writing the role for a female actor with Christopher Reeve’s ability. Palicki can’t convincingly talk to a cat.

There’s no way for it to succeed with Palicki. And it’s too bad. Kelley’s got insight, just not the actor to deliver it.