The Equalizer (2021) s02e04 – The People Aren’t Ready

I’m not getting roped into the “maybe ‘The Equalizer’ will actually be good” game again, but this episode’s solid. It improves some things, it maintains some things, it fails at some things.

The fail is Tory Kittles teaming up with Dominic Fumusa for a bit. Kittles has all these buddy cop one-liners he dismissively spouts just before the cut like a “Law & Order” spoof. The one-liners ring particularly hollow because they’re the only interactions Kittles has with Fumusa where the episode doesn’t go out of its way to remind Fumusa is a complete asshole. There’s even a secret origin reveal of his character to further explain the assholery. It’s a bunch.

The improvements are for—almost unbelievably—Liza Lapira and Adam Goldberg. They go out in the world on a mission together, and Goldberg’s a buffoon, and Lapira has to save their bacon, but it’s actually cute. Even with Lapira’s socially conscious expository dump in the first few minutes about prosecutors holding people of color in pretrial detention for years on end. It’s the second time “The Equalizer” has tried this information dump from Lapira, and it works better this time. It also doesn’t end up being very important to the actual plot, which has Queen Latifah getting arrested and having to save the day from jail.

Latifah’s got information about a threat against Karen DA Jennifer Ferrin, but Ferrin doesn’t believe it at first. Once there’s an incident, Ferrin makes Kittles and Fumusa work together to try to stop the would-be assassin—aggrieved father Michael Chenevert—while Goldberg and Lapira are pretty sure it’s a frame-up.

Meanwhile, in jail, Latifah meets a young woman (Imani Lewis) whose stubbornness is stopping her from getting out of a bad situation. So Latifah becomes a mentor, whether Lewis wants one or not.

Then at home, Lorraine Toussaint and Laya DeLeon Hayes are freaking out about Latifah being in jail—as part of the family’s new honesty policies, Latifah discloses her arrest—though no one knows her identity. So lots of good, quick family drama for Toussaint and Hayes.

Combined with the Lapira and Goldberg all of a sudden being charming and an inventive episode setup… maybe “Equalizer” is getting better. Or at least it seems to be raising the bottom.

The script—credited to Joseph C. Wilson—still manages a bunch of awful dialogue.

The Equalizer (2021) s02e02 – The Kingdom

So, this “Equalizer” is in many ways the best episode ever. There are still many problems—starting with the A-plot being about Queen Latifah taking on the Saudis and continuing with some bad acting from one of the principal guest stars—but it’s pretty darn good. Especially for “The Equalizer.” Randy Zisk’s direction is strong, Latifah’s performance is strong, the other principal guest star is excellent. The last episode didn’t promise improvement for the show for the second season; this episode starts making that promise.

The A-plot is about college student Arash DeMaxi going missing. He’s the son of the Saudi ambassador (Nasser Faris); his sister, Melis Aker, is the one who calls Latifah. But we don’t see the call. Instead, the action picks up with Latifah already on the job, complete with disguise. It’s a nice change; she’s more comfortable as her super-spy secret hero.

Though that comfort figures into the home plot with Latifah and daughter Laya DeLeon Hayes, who’s still distant since discovering her mom’s the star of a weekly action-thriller show on CBS. The home plot, with aunt Lorraine Toussaint fretting over Hayes’s behavior, has good acting, good directing, and weaker writing. Not the weakest writing. The weakest writing is the details in the A-plot.

The episode starts hammering in the Saudis as bad guys, then takes it up a notch to say they’re bad guys the U.S. needs to be exploiting better. There’s a bit about the country’s sexism and homophobia (ignoring it’s based in the state religion), but also about online dissidents. Adam Goldberg does the expository dumps about the dissident stuff, and he’s pretty bad for a lot of it. Like he can’t pronounce characters’ names correctly. Luckily all the actual espionage stuff plays well in action. It feels like a dated plotline, which might be why the show feels so comfortable; they’re not reinventing the wheel; they’re just doing the Saudi episode.

Plus, Chris Noth—sporting a bad dye-job because “Equalizer” pretends he’s a very wealthy, erudite scrub—meets Liza Lapira. Lapira, who’s got some annoying scenes with Goldberg as usual, doesn’t like Noth, but at least there’s some energy to her acting in the scenes. Again, signs of improvement.

Meanwhile, cop Tory Kittles has a subplot about low-key racist white cop Dominic Fumusa now hunting Latifah. Not much for Kittles to do, but he’s good in the scenes.

It may just be a solid episode, but Latifah’s in much better control of the show than usual. I’m hoping it’s a sign of things to come.

The Equalizer (2021) s01e08 – Lifeline

I watched this episode like it was the season finale, so I was more bullish on the epilogue than I would’ve been if I’d known there were two episodes after this one.

This episode’s got Queen Latifah doing a CIA one-shot amid her regular plot lines, like daughter Laya DeLeon Hayes and aunt Lorraine Toussaint getting very suspicious about her work. Latifah’s been saying “global charity” or something, which accounts for the days away at a time, but they’ve finally had enough. It leads to some decent scenes; better than the episode average scenes, particularly better than the Chris Noth and Tory Kittles material.

Again, if they’re out of episodes and trying to sunset Noth and Kittles’s outstanding arcs—as they are—for the season, the material makes sense. If it’s not the season finale, they’re just using both actors and wasting both actors; the show usually only has either Noth or Kittles, not both. But to have both and do zilch? Maybe in the season finale. Episode eight of ten… not so much.

The case this episode is Latifah’s old CIA mentor—not Noth, but the one we’ve never heard of until the plot required it—and his daughter, Alexandra Socha. Socha is on the run from professional assassins and needs Latifah to talk her through it; imagine Die Hard but Reginald VelJohnson does all the action from the parking lot because budget. It’s not great. The script—credited to Joseph C. Wilson—isn’t good. It’s often quite bad. The family stuff is fine. The rest is garbage and a desperate Mission: Impossible nod. Or Bourne nod. Maybe both. Doesn’t matter. It’s bad espionage stuff.

But Latifah gets through it. Equalizer needs to keep going until it can figure itself out, which grants it some leeway with excursions to France—probably not even Quebec France—and an entirely new MacGuffin nemesis getting introduced. Again, seems like a season finale. But there’s definite potential to the series, which the episode highlights. In maybe the only good direction from Randy Zisk, who bellyflops so hard on the big fight scene you can hear the impact.

The Equalizer (2021) s01e04 – It Takes a Village

Did they save up their Chris Noth for this episode? He actually does something with the plot. Nothing with the non-Queen Latifah cast, but they get him in a lengthy action set piece involving the episode villain (Scott Cohen). Noth and Latifah crashing actually evil philanthropist Cohen’s formal ball isn’t as good as it could be—there’s no tango or even ballroom scene—but they actually get to have fun together as opposed to doing exposition dumps while on a New York location walk and talk.

Here’s the plot of the episode, told in RoboCop. Cohen is actually Dick Jones, trying to get gangster Clarence Boddicker (Jayson Wesley) to get the residents out of Old Detroit except there’s a certain Black community activist (Marcus Callender), who needs to be gotten got. Sadly there are no ED-209s, but there is a scene where Latifah crashes Wesley and crew beating in a new gang member and she gets to terrify them thanks to CIA prepping.

Oh, and Cohen’s a CIA asset. American billionaires who fund terrorists as CIA assets on CBS. How far we’ve come. Or not, actually.

The minimal B plot is about Latifah’s daughter, Laya DeLeon Hayes, getting mad about a pothole screwing up her driving lesson and becoming an online road maintenance activist. They seem to have realized she’s a little bit too annoying and to give her some humility; sadly no one accuses her of being fake woke about potholes like she accused a former friend of being fake woke about police violence last episode. Lorraine Toussaint gets a little to do in the subplot, probably more than Hayes because Toussaint gets to have conversations with both Latifah and Hayes while Latifah and Hayes just exchange angry one-liners.

Then there’s detective Tory Kittles, who’s seemingly given up pursuing Latifah as a vigilante and is instead her police department insider. Speaking of police department insiders and being fake woke about potholes… there’s a super gross scene where Adam Goldberg and Liza Lapira (fourth episode of the show, fourth different characterization of the obnoxious, charmless couple) cheer the cops arresting someone. It’s a bad guy, but the way they do the cheering… let’s just say a Blue Lives Matter sticker on Goldberg’s computer is only unlikely because the set decoration isn’t good enough. It’d certainly be appropriate.

Goldberg and Lapira are getting real tiresome. Cohen’s blah in the Dick Jones part. Zach Appelman’s fine as his son, who’s basically Bob Morton (no spoilers, just basically Bob Morton). Wesley’s fine. It’s a crap part.

But then there’s Robert G. McKay, who isn’t good and really needs to be good. He’s got one of the biggest supporting roles and while it’s also not a great part, there’s potential to it; instead McKay gets worse as the role gets more difficult. His scenes become a chore, whereas the rest of the episode at least doesn’t feel like one.

“The Equalizer” seems to be evening itself out… and turning out to be a lot blander and safer than originally implied.

Bob (1992) s01e06 – P.C. or Not P.C.

The cold open is Bob Newhart whining about wanting a son to watch sports with. He whines to the cat, who’s the only one who has any interest in joining him. It’s kind of foreshadowing for the eventual plot, but it’s also not funny.

The main plot is Newhart’s daughter, Cynthia Stevenson, starting her first regular day at the comic studio as a colorist. She comes into the kitchen to ask Newhart what he thinks of her outfit, but he doesn’t look because it’s silly she wants to look nice. Then there’s a joke about comic book colorist not being a real job.

Things are off to a great start.

Fast forward a bit and Stevenson notices the female character she’s coloring is always either taking a bath or a shower, which kicks off John Cygan berating Stevenson and the other women in the office for having an opinion about it—what’s a little weird is they’ve established Newhart draws the comic and Cygan writes it so… unclear why Newhart’s got nothing to say. Even when Cygan’s yelling at Stevenson, something the episode just skips over.

Cygan’s not in favor of Stevenson as a colorist firstly because she’s Newhart’s daughter and he hates nepotism (there’s no mention he got his girlfriend the same job last episode) and secondly because she’s a Bible thumping, book burning Feminist communist. It’s weird Cygan’s not in favor of nepotism because it’s the only way to explain why he got the part on the show, especially for this episode’s take on the character. The show creators contributed the script, which seems like a bad sign six episodes in no one can get a handle on the show. Maybe because they keep screwing it up.

Stevenson stages a walkout and there are changes after Newhart decides he can’t pointlessly objectify women in drawings his daughter is going to have to color.

As a “Bob Newhart wakes up,” the episode’s way too thin and way too noncommittal. Especially after it rewinds all the progress for a dumb joke from Cygan.

I was expecting something worse from a 1992 TV episode entitled P.C. or Not P.C.—and at least the female background characters get lines and SAG pay—but it’s pretty bad.

Especially when Andrew Bilgore’s terrible jokes (he’s socially awkward office guy) land better than anything else in the episode.

There are also some continuity issues as it’s unclear why the comic is all about scantily clad women showering together when it’s been about a male superhero until this point but clearly no one involved cares.

Ruth Kobart’s got a subplot involving being a baseball fanatic, which directly contradicts the cold open but again… clearly no one involved cares.

Bob (1992) s01e04 – Penny for Your Thoughts

Show creators Bill Steinkeller, Cheri Steinkeller, and Phoef Sutton are back writing this episode, which must be why Bob Newhart’s able to get laughs from the lukewarm jokes. Not all the jokes are lukewarm, some are good, but a lot are lukewarm. However, the writers are just as unable to give Cynthia Stevenson material she can effectively essay. Actually, I’ll bet a memoir from Stevenson about doing nineties sitcoms would be insightful.

After a cold open joke only Newhart can make amusing, the first plot point in the episode is Stevenson getting a new job in a beer hall. She has to dress as a serving wench and she and mom Carlene Watkins talk about making her boobs stick up while dad Newhart gets real uncomfortable. Did push-up bras not exist in 1992? Maybe they hadn’t hit CBS yet.

Not only does Stevenson get this meek, shallow character, she’s now got to do it with some weird self-body-shaming thrown in? Stevenson gets a lot of sympathy for “Bob.”

Anyway. The main plot has Newhart and creative partner John Cygan (who finally has better clothes) waiting to hear what the board of directors thinks of their comic book. Because multi-national conglomerates care about their single issue comic books.

There’s going to be a lot of forehead crunching at “Bob”’s version of comic book publishing this episode—including finding out Timothy Fall is the inker and Ruth Kobart is the letterer, which means the entire rest of the office—at least ten people, all but two non-speaking (more on them in a second)… are coloring the comic book. Or just hanging out.

Eventually the comic gets sent to a focus group, which is a fairly successful scene thanks to Laura Waterbury and Rebecca Staab, but then Watkins hears the group doesn’t like the girl in the comic and it’s based on her so she’s got an existential crisis. And a bad lightweight drunk scene—the smoking stood out more, but I forgot the nineties I guess—before it all gets resolved.

Though I did forget everyone in the office—including all the women—mock Newhart for thinking Watkins is a great looking woman. Oh, the nineties.

Like when the show brings in Patty Holly as one of the office staff so when Cygan is shitty to her, it’s not just misogynist; Holly is a Black woman so there’s a very weird misogynoir aspect to it.

The episode’s definitely an improvement over the previous one and the “tone” seems better, but it’s still Newhart holding everything together. Cygan’s not funny and the show can’t figure out how to make him funny. He’s got this terrible monologue then Newhart’s got one and nails it.

Last thing. Bill Zuckert plays the shoeshine guy who has sway with the board regarding the comic book (yep) and he’s quite bad and quite poorly written. It’s very strange how many opportunities the writers pass up, especially where they often go instead.

Bob (1992) s01e03 – My Daughter, My Fodder

Well, Andrew Bilgore’s character’s name is spoken for what I think is the first time, but otherwise… there’s nothing mundane or good distinctive about this episode. Everything else is a flop, starting with the cold open where Bob Newhart does a tired spoiled milk bit and seems tired at the end of it. This episode’s the first without the show creators writing and Jerry Perzigian and Don Seigel are profoundly incapable of writing material for Newhart.

They do flex on John Cygan’s character, making him a backstabber in addition to being insufferably whiney. Though his wardrobe doesn’t stand out this episode so maybe it’ll get less terrible going forward.

The episode revolves arounds around Newhart and Cygan still unable to crack their first Mad Dog comic book story. At least until they get to the idea of borrowing from real life; neither of them have anything going on, but Newhart’s daughter (Cynthia Stevenson) had confided in him earlier about some relationship troubles—her still unseen boyfriend was having one of their sandwiches at the deli with a different girl—and the two men are able to make it into a comic plot.

When Newhart tries to get wife Carlene Watkins onboard with taking the material from Stevenson’s emotional turmoil, he doesn’t get the support he apparently expected. Then Stevenson gets home and things get even worse. But they are able to get to a very sexist conclusion, though I suppose Stevenson does get the two best moments in the episode. But they’re literally just two good line deliveries when almost no one else has anything more than—at best—middling ones because the lines are so tepid.

Ruth Kobart’s still funny, Timothy Fall’s still annoying (though he gets half a good line, then they ruin it by bringing him in for nonsense filler), but “Bob” really isn’t far enough along to have such a piddling episode.

Bob (1992) s01e02 – Drawing a Blank

The episode opens with a really bad joke for Carlene Watkins, which Bob Newhart miraculously saves, but then by the end of the episode it’s Watkins who can do the heavy lifting. I’ve been iffy on Watkins just because she can’t hold her own against Newhart, but no one can so at least having her maneuver around him instead of trying to square off might be the secret to “Bob.”

Watkins is in the cold open, then goes into work at the comic company with Newhart on his first regular day of work. The episode seems constructed to ignore the pilot as much as possible, soft resetting Newhart’s relationship with new creative partner John Cygan and even giving Timothy Fall’s character a name. Andrew Bilgore still doesn’t get one.

After introducing Watkins and Cynthia Stevenson (as Watkins and Newhart’s daughter, which only works age-wise for Newhart) to the office staff—including a creepy but amusing interchange between Fall and Stevenson, which succeeds even though Fall’s bad and Stevenson’s only got like three lines and a loud outfit. But then it’s time for Cygan and Newhart to get to work on the first issue of the comic.

After the pilot established Cygan as a writer and artist, this one demotes him to just the writing. He’s even got a laptop he’s so hip. Newhart’s going to do the art. They’re excited to get to work. It does not go well.

The episode’s got a lot of easy, gently mean-spirited jokes (hey, it was the early nineties, mental health and homelessness are laugh riots), but the biggest moments hinge on Newhart monologuing while Cygan looks on in horror. Newhart’s really good at the monologuing, even if they’re not particularly well-written. It’s just the show leveraging Newhart being able to make anything work.

The only thing it can’t seem to do is move the episode along. But bring in Watkins at the finish and give her some scenes with irate staff member Ruth Kobart, who the show also relies on way too much to carry Bilgore in particular, and it’s all of a sudden just fine. Hopefully the show will figure out a way to plot better. Though you can do worse than Bob Newhart riffing for seventeen minutes and then Watkins coming in to wrap it up.

Though the very predictable finale manages to be both subtly ableist and subtly sexist in a way you usually don’t get anymore. Kind of like Cygan’s early nineties eyesore wardrobe.

Red Scorpion (1988, Joseph Zito)

I wasn’t aware of Red Scorpion’s production history, which has original distributor Warner Bros. pulling out because it filmed in Namibia, under apartheid South African control at the time, as well as the investors and producers being pro-apartheid… you’d think Warner would’ve checked. You’d hoped Warner would’ve checked.

And, now, if we can “but anyway” away from that grossness, I’ll get back to saying Red Scorpion isn’t bad, actually. For a movie with a questionable script—it’s a white savior movie about Soviets special forces titan Dolph Lundgren going to Africa to kill a revolutionary only to discover the Soviets are the bad guys and he really should be helping the native people. There’s also a thing where the Cubans are the real bad guys and the Russians are still basically okay. A little.

Lots to unpack with Red Scorpion, even before you find out the production history.

Also there’s M. Emmet Walsh, whose entire schtick is screaming about how everyone needs to kill Russians, go America. He’s a reporter covering the native Africans fight against the Cubans and Soviets. His entire bit is swearing and being that most fictive of creatures… the non-racist Reagan Republican. Walsh isn’t good by any stretch, but he’s also not bad in any particularly egregious ways. He’s got chemistry with costar Al White, who’s the revolutionary Lundgren needs to buddy up with in order to get to the leader.

Ruben Nthodi is the leader. He’s bad. Not like, not good but not too bad like Walsh or White, he’s just bad. It’s unfortunate, because the script’s surprisingly sincere in his characterization and if they’d spent the M. Emmet Walsh money on the Nthodi role… probably would’ve worked out better.

Will Lundgren discover the native Africans aren’t actually enemies of the people? Will he go on the requisite white savior vision quest with magical African bushman Regopstaan? Will Regopstaan and Lundgren, despite neither of them having much in the way of acting skills, be sort of adorable together?

It helps everyone sort of knew what to do with Lundgren… what to expect of him. He can run around, he can punch things, he can kick things, he can play injured, he can play like he doesn’t understand the language, he can do pretty much everything but talk. He’s totally fine just playing a silent, gigantic, slow on the pickup hulk. The movie misses the chance to call him “Blondie” in the lost in the desert sequence but of course it does… Red Scorpion gets by on a strangely sincere flex in its exploitation, some surprisingly solid action editing from Daniel Loewenthal.

Well, not in the third act, which isn’t a complete misfire but is far from a success after the surprisingly solid second act. Red Scorpion gets a whole lot of mileage out of the Lundgren and Regopstaan material in that second act.

Plus the third act has Lundgren attacking the bad guys wearing Jack Tripper shorts? Like, I guess it makes sense in the second act when he loses all his clothes and his body seems to be excreting oil to protect against the sun, and leads to one of those adorable Regopstaan subplots… but for leading the assault? Pants, man, pants.

Or it’s like the one time cargo shorts would be okay.

There are some special effects gaffs (and also some rather good effects) and Zito doesn’t really shoot the interior action sequences well, but Red Scorpion’s… not bad given the litany of caveats.

Evil (2019) s01e13 – Book 27

Thank you, “Evil,” for forcing me to realize I don’t know how to spell Baphomet. Oh, wait, I do know how to spell Baphomet. Apple just doesn’t know how to spell Baphomet. Seems like something for the Satanic Temple to investigate, whether or not Apple has deity spellings for other religions. Anyway. “Evil”. The season finale.

There’s a lot but also not a lot. Christine Lahti is back for the first time in a while, not always wearing red and, when she is wearing red, it’s not particularly symbolic. (The first episode established red was the devil’s color or something). She’s Michael Emerson’s unwitting stooge, which is insult to injury given her entire romance with Emerson is absurd. Lahti could do infinitely better.

The mystery of the week this episode involves a pregnant woman convinced one of the twins she’s carrying is possessed. The show throws its blue voters a bone when Mike Colter wonders how the Church can oppose abortion when it also says the unborn can’t be possessed because, I don’t know, they don’t have souls yet or something. The show immediately walks it back—kind of double-timing it by having Muslim turned atheist Aasif Mandvi come up with the solution. It’s a stupid solution, but the show’s given up that conversation. Which is fine; once you normalize Baphomet—through CGI—anything goes.

There are also a couple reveals for the show’s mythology, setting the course for season two, which will have the Catholic Church versus fertility clinics; definitely seems like a conversation best suited for mainstream CBS fare. Here’s where I’d eye-roll emoji in a tweet.

There’s a good scene with Mike Colter and Katja Herbers for the first time since winter hiatus. He’s questioning his faith, she’s supportive, he’s hot, she’s holding his hand too long. She’s wearing her cool leather dress outfit—this episode brings it with some of the costuming choices, with Colter starting out dressed like Shaft.

The show’s got its frequent annoyances, like when someone at a New York City fertility clinic tells Colter and Mandvi they might recognize some of the babies in their promos because there are “many from the area.” Over eight million people in New York City, so of course they’re going to be recognizable. Again, “Evil” is eye-roll emoji levels of dumb.

But Herbers, Colter, Mandvi… are they worth coming back for? Insert shrug emoji here.

You know who doesn’t think it’s worth coming back for? Any of the guest-starring priests. The show’s gone through a revolving door of guest-starring priests; not sure if they’ve hit twelve yet (ProPublica discovered, statistically speaking, one in twelve Catholic priests in the United States has been credibly accused of sexual abuse or misconduct—by the Catholic Church, so you know it’s more, so ew). The guy this episode is stunningly bad. So bad I’m not even going to bother digging up his name.

With all the reveals and twists this episode… “Evil” has gotten to late seventies horror thriller levels of silly but never late seventies horror thriller levels of fun. “Evil” is silly and slight. I think I get to stop watching it now?