Star Trek: Picard (2020) s01e07 – Nepenthe

This episode of “Picard” has a Vulcan in cool sunglasses, who non-consensually mind melds, which used to be a thing, and talks about 300 gigabytes of data (hashtag details), a Romulan in a Battlefield Earth fighter jet, discount Han Solo sucking on a cigar, a 23rd century Alexa, the Black woman in the cast calling herself “Auntie,” and… wait, I lost track. I was trying to work up to the stupidest thing in the episode and I lost track. Watching “Picard” is like drowning in stupid. Whatever awards Michael Chabon has won shouldn’t just be taken away from him, they should be shut down and all awards rescinded because those organizations clearly don’t know what they’re talking about.

Though I guess it’s kind of nice Marina Sirtis—who’s still rocking the cleavage they hired her for on “Next Generation” (hashtag feminism)–gives the one of the episode’s only not godawful performances. I mean, Jonathan Frakes is fine but he’s barely in it. Chabon and co-writer Sam Humphrey are profoundly uncomfortable writing Frakes with Patrick Stewart and instead focus on newly revealed Cylon Isa Briones bonding with Frakes and Sirtis’s daughter, Lulu Wilson.

Briones ranges from terrible to just bad, while Wilson’s in the aforementioned godawful category. There’s also some weird 23rd century cultural appropriation going on with the kid, but it’s nothing compared to how the show creates another, older Riker-Troi kid except he’s died off-screen already from a preventable rare disease if only the Federation hadn’t banned the androids and their miraculous android brains.

Also, the whole “Federation freaks out over the androids blowing Mars” thing is really xenophobic for the 23rd century too. It’s like the show forgot there were aliens in “Star Trek” except the Vulcans and Romulans.

Because of course they did because it’s terrible and dumb.

As far as going forward, this episode reveals Stewart is ready to live again because of his new mission, which ought to be a saccharine eye roll but “Picard”’s not even worth that amount of effort.

Who knew the worst thing about an episode from the director of Highlander 4 wouldn’t be the direction.

Oh… last thing—Peyton List is indescribably bad, which is an achievement. It’s “Star Trek” made by people who can’t even imagine “Star Trek” being good.

Star Trek: Discovery (2017) s02e06 – The Sound of Thunder

At this point, not even halfway through the second season of “Discovery,” it seems like the only way they’re going to redeem it at all is if they go full absurd. Like the Red Angel, which is actually a time traveling humanoid in an outfit with metal (as in heavy metal) wings. Unless it’s Matt Frewer, it’s not going to be worth it.

This episode gives Doug Jones a lot to do. “Discovery” isn’t just a show set in the 23rd century with aliens and mushrooms and warp drives, it’s also a show where you’re expected to take Doug Jones’s acting seriously. It’s like they made a terrible deal—you get into this makeup, someday we’ll give you a lot to do. And now they have and it’s awful.

And it’s not the makeup, because we meet Jones’s sister, played by Hannah Spear, and Spear is fine. Not great, but fine. No way she’s going to be great with the crappy script, which opens with a nonsense, poorly delivered monologue from Jones. He gets the big plot this episode—going back to his home planet and discovering the big secrets of his people and whatever—then there’s a couple C plots with Wilson Cruz being uncomfortable with his resurrection (and not very good at the acting) and then Anson Mount and Shazad Latif bickering about Starfleet principles versus Sector 31 fascism.

Sonequa Martin-Green is entirely back up for Jones, which is a heck of a slight. Not only is she top-billed, it’s supposed to be her show. It’s not the script lets her shine either. She’s in crappy scenes opposite Jones, who probably commits at least some major Starfleet violations this episode but gets an entire pass because… the show wants to leave us stuck with Jones.

Mount gets a single good scene, when he and Latif are bickering. “Star Trek: Discovery.” The secret recipe for success is the white, cishet captains.

Highlander: Endgame (2000, Douglas Aarniokoski)

For all intents and purposes, there’s nothing nice to say about Highlander: Endgame. Maybe there’s an almost all right moment between Lisa Barbuscia and Adrian Paul. They’re married, but estranged. They’re both immortal, something he didn’t tell her before killing her to bring about her immortal existence. It’s terribly handled in the flashback sequences and not exactly done well in the modern day stuff, but Paul can emote serious without actually being able to act serious and Barbuscia really isn’t bad when she’s not playing an evil tough guy. It’s like Paul and Barbuscia remembered a better scene from an acting class and tried it out in Endgame. But, otherwise, it’s bereft of quality.

Joel Soisson’s script isn’t good, but it’s not utter crap. It’s mildly competent. If director Aarniokoski had any ability whatsoever, the film would have moved. But there’s also Douglas Milsome’s awful photography, the six terrible editors, the lame music, the cheap looking sets, the lousy special effects. Even Christopher Lambert deserves better than Aarniokoski. Lambert’s a trooper. He’s bad, but he’s willing. Aarniokoski doesn’t do anything with him. Aarniokoski’s camera doesn’t have any connection with the characters. It’s so bad. Aarniokoski does a really, really bad job. And Milsome enables some of it.

Because, Endgame is a part of what was once an almost reputable cult franchise. Things went wrong, but Highlander was an HBO hit in the eighties when HBO movie hits mattered. And Endgame is even more horrifying because it actually tries really hard to be a sequel to the original movie. It can’t be a sequel to the original because it’s a sequel to the TV show, but it wants to pretend. Aarniokoski doesn’t care enough pretend, but Lambert and the script want to pretend. So it’s depressing. It’s actually depressing.

Endgame is about pitying the people who tried to care about it. Not just the actors, but the audience. Watching this movie makes you feel bad for the other people who have seen it.

Lousy performance from Bruce Payne as the villain. It’d be laughable but it always feels like there’s a chance Payne is intentionally doing vamp camp so maybe it’s somehow brilliant. But it can’t be because Aarniokoski’s bad at directing actors too. He’s bad at filming actors act. It’s an incredibly poorly directed film. It’s stunning.

Oh, and Donnie Yen’s good. Beatie Edney too. She manages to have class, which is something because there’s no class anywhere else in this picture.

It doesn’t even move well. It’s less than ninety minutes and there’s always action and it doesn’t even move. Endgame is the pits.