A more appropriate title for Concrete Blondes might be Bad Lesbian Hip Crime Thriller Written by Three Men. The sexuality of the protagonists sadly has a lot to do with it because writers Kalikow, Rob Warren Thomas and Chris Wyatt create a love triangle between Carly Pope and Samaire Armstrong and their Valley Girl roommate Diora Baird.

Pope’s the straightedge lead, Armstrong’s her devil may care girlfriend (who she supports financially) and Baird’s the third wheel. On the other hand, Baird’s got the boyfriend–Brian Smith in a Will Ferrell impression of sorts; he’s the best performance in the movie. Second best goes to John Rhys-Davies, just because he knows how to chew scenery and not look embarrassed.

Pope and Baird are terrible. Pope’s unlikable in the lead, though given her character’s living situation it’s hard to imagine wanting to spend any time around her. Baird would probably be okay playing the mean girl idiot, but the script’s terrible. Even with a good script, Pope would still be bad.

Armstrong is appealing, but her character’s too poorly written for her to be anything more.

Kalikow’s direction is a little better than his writing, but the production values are weak. It’s obviously DV and Mark Irwin doesn’t do anything with the photography to make it look better than a camcorder. He’s still leagues ahead–maybe because of the camera’s default settings–than editor James Renfroe, who’s atrocious.

Except for Sallah completists, Blondes should be avoided at all costs. It’s hideous.

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CREDITS

Directed by Nicholas Kalikow; written by Kalikow, Rob Warren Thomas and Chris Wyatt; director of photography, Mark Irwin; edited by James Renfroe; music by Wayne Kramer; production designer, Tink; produced by Sean Covel.

Starring Carly Pope (Kris Connifer), Samaire Armstrong (Tara Petrie), Diora Baird (Sammi Lovett), Brian Smith (Karl), Jerry Rector (Felipe), Zak Santiago (Lars) and John Rhys-Davies (Kostas Jakobatos).