Paris (2005-2022)

Paris

The love story at the heart of Paris could take place anywhere. But it also can't take place anywhere but Paris. This collection emphasizes the Paris setting, with artist Simon Gane doing a new visual prologue of the city waking up. The birds are chirping, the lovers are waking (or already busy), and the city is vibrant and alive.

Paris collects a four-issue series, plus the prologue to the original collection, plus this new prologue. Gane does four double-page spreads moving through the city before a single page introducing the protagonist, Juliet. Though it helps if you know to look for her because Paris is full of life, full of people.

The next prologue (the original collection's prologue) follows Juliet on her way to school. She's in art school, drinks coffee, smokes cigarettes, and loves Paris. It also introduces her love interest, Deborah, having a very different experience in Paris. She's sequestered in Hotel Anglais, her maiden aunt chaperoning and programming their Parisian visit. It's just a couple-page introduction, Deborah looking longingly at the city she's missing, but the moment does a bunch to set her up.

The collection proper—issues as chapters—begins with Juliet in class, listening to her blowhard instructor, and getting a commission for a portrait painting. Juliet has to do portrait paintings of young ladies because fathers (and chaperones) don't want male artists staring long enough to paint. Andi Watson's script quickly sets up the ground situation (what's really impressive is how well Gane's able to transition from a relaxed, visual-first pace to rapid-fire exposition). Juliet's got a male friend at the art school, Gerard, who can't shut up about his jazz and mad crushes on her. She's from the United States (New York) and can't afford her tuition without the commissions. She lives with Paulette, a revolutionary who has to hand wash (and hang dry) all her lingerie at the apartment because they're too delicate for the laundromat.

Both Paulette and Gerard are French and speak a mix of French and English to Juliet. There's a translation guide at the end of the book, but it's mostly unnecessary. One might miss some occasional details, but they always come through either in English dialogue or thanks to visual references.

Juliet goes to the portrait sitting, assuming her subject, Deborah, will be the same terrible blue blood she's always painting. After Aunt Chapman (everyone calls her "Chap," which I thought meant chaperone until I realized her last name's Chapman) is a momentary pain before exiting, Juliet realizes Deborah isn't what she expected. One of the book's most delightful, subtle strokes is when Juliet reveals Deborah introduced herself as "Debs," even though that scene isn't on the page. There will be other subtle implications throughout, but none of them is so… charming.

The chapter ends with Juliet starting her sketches, well on her way to being smitten with her subject.

The portrait painting itself is Paris's main plot, at least from Juliet's perspective. Chap doesn't want to pay for another sitting, but Juliet can't capture Debs from photographs. So Juliet has to engineer ways to see Juliet, which leads to the two exploring Paris together and falling in love with the city. And each other.

The supporting cast expands a bit, with Debs's brother, Billy, joining her and Chap in Paris. His presence allows Juliet and Deborah to get some time together, though why exactly Billy's got time to fake chaperoning his sister will figure into the plot later. There's also Rennell, a potential suitor for Deborah, who's got nothing going for her if she doesn't marry well. Finally, there's Paulette's boyfriend, who doesn't get a name but has some really funny scenes.

The comic's going to leave Paris behind for the finale, which tracks Juliet and Deborah back to their "normal" settings, all the delight of Paris behind them. Except, of course, they then learn through unfortunate experience, some of what made Paris Paris was them, not the city. It's a great finale, with Gane getting back into the full-page city splash shots by the end. In the Paris sections of the comic (proper, so going back to the original series), Gane does these splash pages of Paris street life. Sometimes Juliet will be in them, on her way to find Deborah; sometimes, it'll just be street life. The movement's the same throughout, full of Gane's little observations about the people and the place. It's lovely. Especially considering it's the fifties or sixties, Deborah and Juliet's romance might not do so well on Long Island or in rural Surrey.

Paris is a gorgeous comic, with Gane doing phenomenal character work on its leads—much of Debs's character development comes through in expressions, for example—and Watson's script is outstanding.

Like I said, in addition to being expert and excellent, Paris is also profoundly lovely.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e08

It’s the season finale, which one would think means some questions are getting answered. It takes about a half hour until everything starts tying together—and it turns out all the season’s recurring “vision” sequences were pointless considering how quickly they get explained (sorry, I’m going to try not to be overly negative but the episode makes a big swing and misses, especially when you consider how it’s playing to anyone but John Simm’s character).

Matthew Graham is back as the solo writer, John Alexander is directing. I was happy to see both the credits.

By the end of the episode, well… it’s not Alexander’s fault the thing’s plotted and paced so poorly. The problems are clearly on Graham’s end, though also the casting director. Lee Ingleby has the most important part in the season and he’s really nowhere near good enough for it. Even taking the script into account.

Ingleby plays Simm’s dad, who he finally comes across randomly while investigating a gang war, and the episode is the cops (including Simm) turning up incriminating evidence against Ingleby and Simm trying to protect him. Joanne Froggatt comes back for a bit of a crap part (sorry, mum, the boys are talking; including a Field of Dreams “wanna have a catch”). Because it’s all about daddy issues for Simm, who hasn’t grown as a human being since he was four years old in 1973. Turns out “Life on Mars” has so many daddy issues it’d might even make Christopher Nolan tell them to be less obvious about it.

And they weren’t here before, not to this level. It’s inexplicable why the show wouldn’t have included a plot about Simm trying to find his dad in 1973 or whatever. Because it’s the whole thing. It’s the Atlas holding the world and Ingleby and Simm are nowhere near good enough to pull it off. It’s far more interesting, in the end, to try to imagine the whole thing from Ingleby’s perspective, which is a big problem since it’s all in Simm’s head.

Also it turns out Liz White would’ve made a far better protagonist since eventually she decides Simm’s actually got brain damage and maybe he should go to a doctor….

Something they maybe should’ve done a lot earlier in the show. Before she almost started dating him or whatever. And stopped him from committing suicide to break the coma spell so maybe she should’ve had an actual concern subplot.

Good acting, at times, from Simm. There are things he can sell, things he can’t. Sadly the important things he can’t. They’re just too thin.

Similarly, it doesn’t end up being a good show for Philip Glenister because his character’s got to act absurdly to allow the Simm plot line with Ingleby.

The episode even manages to miss with its big use of Life on Mars.

However, they are at least able to get it to a decent setup for another season, a very impressive feat given all the problems, because through it all… “Life on Mars” has a great regular cast and is exquisitely produced.

I am going to be terrified of any Graham solo scripts going forward though. Just the laziest writing, scene after scene. The show usually uses its sixty minutes well; this episode it plods through them, with about thirty minutes of story if they’re lucky.

Episode’s a bummer.

But not so much “Mars” isn’t still a good show.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e07

After a couple episodes not dealing too much with John Simm’s Sam Becket-esque attempts to get home, this episode brings that element in partway through an otherwise very straightforward whodunit about a dead prisoner.

The script’s from Chris Chibnall, who approaches it with quite a bit of gusto as far as giving the characters all something to do, though that something to do is because of the dead prisoner. There’s also some really nice direction from S.J. Clarkson, who doesn’t do it as a procedural. Simm is investigating—at the behest of Philip Glenister, who’d rather the whole thing went away but Simm’s making a stink—and running afoul of his fellow officers, including Liz White.

There’s a lot of character relationship building for Simm and the entire supporting cast this time, not just White or Glenister, but Marshall Lancaster, Noreen Kershaw, and finally some development with Dean Andrews. Until the whole thing becomes about Simm just wanting to get back home. Only White understands the reason for Simm’s question to destroy his colleagues, which ends up muddying the water more than anything else. If Simm’s trying to solve it because it’s the right thing to do versus what he’s got to do in order to wake up from his presumed coma….

Unfortunately Chibnall quadruples down on the latter, going so far as for Simm to explain to White he needs her to stick around to handle all of his emotional labor. Sinnerman over the end titles or not, it’s a rather wanting finish; somehow in the last twenty or so minutes of the episode, Chibnall identifies all the problems with the show’s conceit and drags them to the fore.

Really good acting from the entire cast, save maybe Simm, who’s good but nowhere near good enough to save it. On the other hand, it’s best in series acting for Andrews and Lancaster (partially because it’s the most they’ve ever gotten to do). Same goes for Kershaw, but in the extremis. She’s usually background. Here she’s essential.

And Glenister’s got some great moments. Especially when he and Simm have a working dinner, sort of precipitating the whole thing, but it’s all about Simm. When it’s about the investigation, it’s good. When it’s about Simm hoping it’ll be the leap home… it’s fine but rote.

The emotional labor demand scene is a particularly big strike against it, given White’s convinced Simm is gleefully willing to ruin her career.

Excellent performance from Lisa Millett as the victim’s sister; she disappears just when she ought to be coming back (corresponding to Simm trying to work the leap home angle). However, while Chibnall’s uneven overall, Clarkson’s direction is strong the entire time. She kind of saves the day.

Well, her and Nina Simone.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e06

Until now, “Life on Mars” has been a police procedural with some very flat, very hard sci-if garnish about time travel. But this episode is an action episode, starting with John Simm getting a phone call—on a disconnected phone—from his mum in the future. She’s at his bedside, telling him the doctors want to unplug the life support and she’s finally giving in.

Joanne Froggatt (uncredited) does a nice bit of voice acting with it, though writers Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharoah err more on it sounding like a phone call than a bedside confession.

Simm’s got until two o’clock.

And just then, dispatcher Noreen Kershaw (who’s always good, even when she’s barely in an episode) comes in to tell him there’s a hostage situation at the local newspaper.

The hostage taker’s going to start killing hostages at two o’clock.

The show doesn’t take any time to explore any causal connection between the two—Simm’s aware there’s the surface connection, but not how he’s subconsciously ginning up the crisis. There’s no analog in the situation, once revealed; the hostage taker, Paul Copley, doesn’t figure into Simm’s time traveling coma situation. It’s a really nice move from the writers, acknowledging there could be a connection, then doing something completely different.

Once Simm gets to the scene, he tries handling it like any modern hostage negotiation, only to have Philip Glenister and sidekicks arrive ready to shoot the place up. Even when Lee Ross gets there—he’s the armed response leader—he wants to shoot the place up too, but Simm can’t let anyone die. Since there aren’t any analogues—not even passed out hostage Margaret Henshaw—who knows whose death would correspond to Simm dying in the present.

Though once there’s real danger from Copley, the future crisis gets forgotten. There’s many more present dangers.

Lots of good acting. Simm, Copley, Liz White (who gets roped into helping and is also the only cop besides Simm who doesn’t want a blood bath), Glenister (who gets to address and confront some of his preconceived notions—he gets the most character work of the cast, Simm and White are too busy in the action thriller).

Excellent guest performances from a couple of the hostages, newspaper publisher Ken Drury and star reporter Ruth Millar. Millar’s got it in for Glenister and has good reasons and Drury’s a wonderful asshat.

There are some excellent jokes—laughs even—and there’s a gentle, nice check-in on Simm and White’s quasi-courtship.

What’s particularly impressive is how well the show is able to pivot away from the procedural stuff into the action thriller. Really good direction from John Alexander.

Like most of “Mars,” it’s simply outstanding television.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e05

Tony Jordan writes this episode, the last of the three creators to contribute a script (or get a solo credit), and it’s a very different take on the time travel motif. It deals—quietly—with father issues (as opposed to having mum guest star in an episode). John Simm and Philip Glenister catch a case involving a dead football fan; Glenister wants to round up the hooligans while Simm is convinced it’s not about the footie.

Simm goes so far to as to promise the victim’s son, Michael Lawrence, he’ll find the murderer. See, turns out Simm and his dad used to be football fans—at the exact time this case is happening—and it got ruined when Simm’s dad ran off. The father and son stuff continues subtly throughout, with no resolution. Even after Simms gets an interrogative visit from the girl (Rafaella Hutchinson) with the clown. Otherwise the episode doesn’t deal with Simms’s “real” condition very much; it takes a place a while after the previous episode, not just long enough for Simm to notice Liz White has been avoiding him but also long enough she feels comfortable talking to him about it.

It’s also been long enough they have to get comfortable flirting again, with too much of the seventies apparently rubbing off on Simm. Luckily the plot throws them together in a situation where they can work through it—Simm, Glenister, and White pose as the staff of a bar in order to snoop on the football fans. Glenister doesn’t agree with Simm’s take on the case, but he’s willing to run a bar to help out. At least there’s not a bet this time to get him to do his job.

There are a number of great sequences this episode—S.J. Clarkson does a fine directing job—starting right off with a car chase across a field, which gives Marshall Lancaster an actual and successful slapstick bit. There’s another one where Tony Marshall has to teach the heroes how to tend bar—it might be the best sequence as it’s the most fun, whereas the actual bartending sequence is a mix of awkwardly funny and somewhat dangerous. Before a very funny resolution to it. Jordan’s script and Clarkson’s direction emphasize the danger really well, especially given how things turn out in the resolution.

There’s also a big monologue from Simm about what’s gone wrong with football—him having future knowledge after all—and even if you’re not knowledgeable or interested, it’s a sufficiently impassioned diatribe.

Though I guess it does raise more questions about Simm than anything else; like does he spend his time in the present moping about the state of footie supporters.

Anyway.

It’s a particularly good episode with a nice subplot for Simm and the victim’s son, Lawrence, which is the biggest character development arc. Whatever’s going on with Simm and White is put off again to the future (the past’s future not the present future), but their scenes together here are still strong. Glenister ends up being mostly for laughs, which works fine. Along the way he’s got some fine dramatic material—during the bartending sequence—but it’s Simm’s show, Simm’s episode.

There’s a T. Rex song (Jeepster), which is cool, but the end titles have Nina Simone devastating. “Mars”’s soundtrack is so good.

The show is so good.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e04

Different writer than the first three episodes—Ashley Pharoah here—and a somewhat different vibe. It’s centered somewhat differently on John Simm, whose time traveller status doesn’t factor into the main plot here, which has him butting heads against local crime boss Tom Mannion. Everyone else in the department is on Mannion’s payroll to some degree or another—except the ladies, because they’re, you know, ladies and not worth bribing—and Simm finds himself unable to take the bribe to fit in.

Especially not after he tracks down his mum (Joanne Froggatt), who’s probably visiting him in the hospital in the present and talking to him. Simm’s dad is away on business (as usual) and his younger self is upstairs with the mumps, but he’s able to bond with Froggatt even after he weirds her out offering her his payola from Mannion to cover her debt to… Mannion.

In addition to the subplot with Froggatt, Simm and Liz White are seemingly moving forward on their tentative romance—they’re trying to decide whether or not to go see Mean Streets or one of the Carry On movies—but it all gets screwed up after Simm agrees to help out one of Mannion’s nightclub dancers, Kelly Wenham. Wenham wants to get out of town but Mannion won’t let her leave, can’t Simm protect her. Turns out his protecting goes a little wrong—and initially raises the question of whether or not the drugs Simm is on in his comatose state in the future can affect his brain chemistry enough to screw up the lives of the people he’s imagining around him (before being almost immediately discarded).

What makes the episode so interesting—and some of what makes it so good—is how Simm’s moral dilemma about taking the bribes–or helping Mannion keep his staff under control—doesn’t have anything to do with him being from the future. Yes, technically, he might not have been in the same position to take bribes in his experience versus Philip Glenister (who’s got a fantastic scene recounting when he first became a bent copper), but the conflict is about doing the right thing. Especially after it turns out mum Froggatt doesn’t have the “seventies” view of morality everyone else around him exhibits.

After the initial setup, which has Simm running afoul of Mannion and meeting Wenham (which kicks off White’s reasonable but thin jealousy subplot), Glenister and the other cops go into major support mode. There’s some really good quick bits for Dean Andrews throughout the episode; seeds of character development, entirely in how Andrews behaves around Simm. Glenister comes back in the last act to sidekick. Otherwise, it’s Simm’s show.

There is a Back to the Future-esque subplot about sports in pubs, The Shining, and a horse race. It’s sort of aside to all the main activity, but layered in throughout. Writer Pharoah is continuing the show’s strong plotting.

And solid direction from John McKay, who seems more comfortable integrating actual dream sequences versus hints from the future sequences.

Strong performances, obviously, from Simm and Glenister, very nice guest spots from Froggatt and Wenham. Mannion maybe could make more of an impression, but it’s fine. “Mars” is good enough performances can just be fine, though most of the performances are much better than fine. It’s a very good episode.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e03

It’s a good episode, with the most impressive element being the introduction of Lee Ross as the jackass cop in charge of anything involving firearms. Meaning Philip Glenister, John Simm, Dean Andrews, Marshall Lancaster, and the other guys without lines in the backgrounds aren’t supposed to be shooting things up. This episode indeed has the first shooting things up of “Life of Mars”.

Ross feels like he’s been annoying the entire show, even though he only gets introduced at the beginning of the episode; it’s just so well plotted it feels like he’s been around forever. It’s got a great conclusion with him too. I really thought he first showed up last episode but nope, they got all that established here.

“Life on Mars” uses its one hour so well.

The main plot is a major downer about the dwindling textile industry. There’s a murder at the mill, which in the future will be renovated into Simm’s apartment building—something no one in 1973 can believe anyone would want—and the victim was a known scab and they’re trying to unionize. There’s old man worker John Henshaw, who quickly becomes suspect number one even though he doesn’t appear capable of committing the crime; he just wants a better life for his son, Andrew Knott–or at least as good of a life. There’s some good, tough scenes with Simm interacting with them, knowing how British industry is going to go, and reflecting on the tragedy unfolding around him. It’s very well-done.

And makes up for the B plot—about Glenister and Simm having a bet whether or not Henshaw really did it; see, the only way for Simm to keep boss Glenister interested in the case and uncovering the truth is the bet. The episode takes strides in making Glenister more unconditionally likable, but it’s definitely baby steps.

There’s also a C plot about stolen guns, which involves Liz White investigating on her own (and now working for Simm), which is going to bring in Ross too. And then, obviously, more development on what Simm’s mission to the past might be; Simm has memory flashes with intriguing details. There’s also a scary sequence with the girl and her clown doll and the general thread Simm giving up in the past means his body’s giving up in the future.

Again, way too literal.

Otherwise, it’s a very well-plotted episode, even if the ending’s a little too trite. It focuses on Simm and Glenister’s working bro relationship, which is less interesting than the episode’s developments in Simm and White’s friendship. It can only go so far as Simm still think White is only in his head. Their relationship develops with them fully engaging with that situation, in another neat move of Graham’s script. The Glenister and Simm stuff is far more obvious, far less layered.

Different director than the last two episodes; this time it’s John McKay, who’s fine. Not as good as the last guy but fine.

Even with bumps, “Life on Mars” continues to be rock solid.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e02

Lots gets introduced and resolved this episode, particularly with John Simm and Philip Glenister’s different approaches to police work. It’s kind of like “Pilot, Part 2,” where the gimmick has been introduced and now it’s time to determine what the actual show will be like.

Same creative team as last time—Matthew Graham writing, Bharat Nalluri directing. This episode starts realizing the creepy girl with the clown on the TV recurring bit, which last episode set up but this episode turns into an actual horror element. Since the episode’s an hour, there’s plenty of time to change how the show’s going to question Simm’s reality. For a while, there’s nothing he can’t explain away, then there’s definite “you’re in the hospital in a coma” moments.

It gets seconds away from requiring additional suspension of disbelief, like they push it as far as they can with Simm acting confused and then drop it and get back to the actual show. It ranges in effectiveness, with the worst case unfortunately being the last.

There’s not a mystery to solve this episode, which is the point—it opens with the boys arresting stickup man Andrew Tiernan after an amazing, funny chase sequence (set to Live and Let Die, so they’re not cheaping on the music even after they get the Bowie), then the rest of the episode is them trying to figure out how to keep him from committing stickups without evidence.

Simm’s not willing to go with Glenister’s file cabinet worth of evidence to plant, which leads to some dire consequences. Along the way, there’s a fight between Simm and Glenister, a big subplot for Liz White, and a guest star spotlight for Timothy Platt as the star witness. Platt’s character is deaf in 1973 and it’s unclear if the show even realizes how inhumane and cruel the characters are coming off.

We also get some more hints at Simm’s mission in the past—the opening titles have a “Quantum Leap”-esque narration about how he’s going to get home but again, they stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the show itself.

Nalluri directs the heck out of the suspense sequences, which also have great performances from White and Simm. They nimbly pivot from the procedural to the action chase stuff.

Great Glenister too, though he’s a little bit too much support, little bit too much antagonist. Again, very big “Pilot, Part 2” feels.

But the acting’s so good, the directing’s so good, most of the writing’s so good, any such feels end up being good, reassuring feels, like they know what they’re doing with “Life on Mars.” Albeit with a strangely obvious gimmick.

Life on Mars (2006) s01e01

Going back to “Life on Mars,” it hadn’t occurred to me how the “hook” was going to play after not just having seen the series once but also its “way too literal” sequel, “Ashes to Ashes.”

“Mars” is about a modern day—2006 so pre-smartphone and some other things—police detective, John Simm, getting hit by a car and waking up in 1973. He’s still a copper, just not the boss copper anymore, and he soon discovers the murderer he was chasing in the future is active here in the past.

The episode, written by Matthew Graham, plays like a fairly traditional pilot episode. It introduces the cast, it introduces the concept, it even has a big plot element you can just tell they’re going to have to walk back in subsequent episodes. But while there’s the standard TV pilot thing going on, there’s also Bharat Nalluri’s fantastic direction. The episode feels more like a short subject, with Nalluri and cinematographer Adam Suschitzky focusing on the moodiness of the past and how Simm’s experiencing it.

Great performance by Simm. When the episode starts, he’s kind of passive to (pre-“Good Wife”) Archie Panjabi, who’s his estranged girlfriend and subordinate, who has an idea about solving the case and Simm doesn’t want to hear it. Simm even makes not wanting to hear it about Panjabi using their relationship troubles to create a power imbalance in his work place. It’s a really bad, really dated, seemingly completely unawares moment.

But it does not age well.

Luckily, once Panjabi gets kidnapped by the killer Simm didn’t want to hear about, Simm’s reaction is appropriate enough to make him immediately sympathetic. Then boom, a car hits him and he’s back in 1973. So the stakes are Panjabi’s kidnapped and Simm thinks he’s probably in a coma at the hospital but he can’t be sure.

The only person he can trust with the truth is female police officer Liz White. It’s important to mention she’s female because it was back when the ladies were segregated in police work, something Simm didn’t know. The episode’s got big “Back to the Future” type jokes about being in the unknown past (Simm’s character would’ve been four in 1973), then it’s got these little ones where it trips Simm up and into some character development, which Nalluri always makes sure to emphasize.

There’s an excellent arc for Simm and White in the episode, just rock solid character development, great acting from each of them.

But it’s not even the A plot. Well, it’s the initial A plot, but once Simm gets to work in the police station in 1973 there’s the new A plot. And that new A plot is the boss cop played by Philip Glenister. Glenister’s the immediate show-stealer, the break-away star, the whatever. He plays the seventies tough guy cop caricature but in a way to make it reasonable. He’s also the boss, which means he can’t be the rogue cop, which makes “by the numbers” Simm the outsider. “Mars” has a really good understanding of how television narratives work, especially with genre.

Though it does make you wonder if they’re intentionally avoiding “Quantum Leap” references because it comes so close a few times it’d be better if they were making a reference.

Anyway.

Other tough guy male cops of import include Dean Andrews as the dumb, stoic, big one, and Marshall Lancaster as the dumb, amiable, little one. Lancaster gets to be great from go, while Andrews is a lot more reserved. Lancaster becomes Simm’s flunky while Andrews sticks with Glenister.

The other big introduction is the local bartender, Tony Marshall, who seems to have a soulful connection to the world and maybe what’s going on with Simm.

It’s a fantastic hour, fantastic pilot. Graham’s script is compelling for the characters’ sake, not just the gimmick’s, and the three leads are outstanding. Plus the excellent Nalluri direction. It’s great.

Masters of Horror (2005) s02e05 – Pro-Life

I’m not sure John Carpenter’s The Thing was a pinnacle of realistic practical special effects—I think it must’ve been one, but I’m not sure; I am confident, however, he and Dean Cundey pioneered SteadiCam (at least according to them) with Escape from New York. So watching his second (and, thankfully, final) “Masters of Horror” entry, it’s sad to see Carpenter contending with Attila Szalay’s profoundly incompetent photography and the garbage special effects from Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger. While Pro-Life is certainly better than the previous episode Carpenter directed—also written by Drew McWeeny and Rebecca Swan—it’s always in trying to find a way to get worse.

The episode opens with Mark Feuerstein and Emmanuelle Vaugier talking about how they might work together but it’s okay they just slept together. This scene will be the most dialogue Vaugier gets in the hour, with the rest of her performance quick reaction shots. They’re driving in to work and they almost hit teenager Caitlin Wachs running through the woods. Wachs was actually a teenager during Pro-Life, which makes the skimpy outfit and the graphic rape recollection even grosser than I’d assumed. That gross gets lost in the other gross when McWeeny and Swan show their edginess by disingenuously both-sidings abortion with lead Ron Perlman talking about clinic doctor Bill Dow being a baby killer. McWeeny and Swan then cop out on the whole thing with Perlman just being a pawn in Satan’s game.

Derek Mears plays the demonic Satan, walking around in a rubber suit thrown out from the original Swamp Thing movie for looking too cheesy. Despite being King of Hell, Mears can’t figure out how door handles work. Or maybe Pro-Life just thinks terrible slow motion breaking through door effects are good, actually. It certainly tries to do its gun porn but it just plays silly. This whole “Masters of Horror” big horror director who at best makes direct-to-video crap returning to their roots continues to instead suggest these guys shouldn’t be renowned because they can’t make movies anymore, not even hour long ones.

The story involves Wachs, raped by Satan, trying to get Feuerstein to abort the baby while dad Perlman shoots everyone dead to rescue her because he’s doing God’s work. He’s got three sons helping him; the nicest I’ll be is not noting their names when trying to determine the worst performance. Partially because, outside Dow as the clinic doctor, the worst performance is easily discount character actor Stephen Dimopoulos. He’s the shitty dad who brought his daughter to the clinic and gets caught up in the demonic siege.

Wachs is bad. It’s unclear how much of it’s her fault, how much of it’s the script, how much of it is Carpenter leering at her. Feuerstein’s less bad but far from good. Perlman’s decent. It’s a thin, bad part, poorly written, poorly directly, but his professionalism puts him ahead of the pack. Biski Gugushe tries the hardest as the clinic security guard.

Presumably Carpenter did this show for the easy paycheck and to get “composer” son Cody Carpenter some gigs with residuals (the music’s terrible).

But it’s insipid work and an objectively good reason to avoid giving anyone involved any attention in the future.