What If…? (2021) s01e09 – What If… The Watcher Broke His Oath?

During the first half of the fight scene, I felt bad this episode wouldn’t be any good because there was some genuinely inventive stuff in the fight. The creative material doesn’t last long, but there are some legitimately cool moments. The Watcher (Jeffrey Wright) has brought together a bunch of characters from throughout the season—including one who didn’t get an episode (or whose episode was cut)—and they all have to band together to fight Infinity-Ultron (Ross Marquand).

This ragtag team of big-name actors are the “Avengers of the Multiverse.” Wait, no. “Defenders of the Multiverse.” Wait, no. “DC’s Legends of the Multiverse.” Wait, wait, “Guardians of the Multiverse.”

Sigh.

The scene where Wright names them is one of those “wow, Academy Award nominations don’t mean shit,” do they, which is appropriate. There are multiple times throughout the episode the only amusing thing is wondering how episodes of “What If…?” land for all the acting coaches and drama teachers who thought they were training the good actors who’d do great things.

Not Marquand, though. He’s even worse than last time. If his old teachers stuck with “What If…?,” they’re probably just bad at their jobs.

There aren’t really any good performances. While it’s nice to hear Chadwick Boseman, he’s wasted. Ditto Michael B. Jordan. Hayley Atwill’s fine, but her part is forced—especially since her character now is just a riff on Winter Soldier Captain America who banters with Black Widow (still, not ScarJo, even with the lawsuit settling; like Marquand, Lake Bell’s worse than usual). Benedict Cumberbatch is way too comfortable phoning in his performance, and Chris Hemsworth’s wasted. It’s kind of surprising it’s Hemsworth. He gets plenty of bad lines and doesn’t bring any charm to their readings.

Though you’d need the power of the infinity stones to make the vapid dialogue charming. A.C. Bradley gets the script credit. To be fair, it’s not like it’s one of the better-directed episodes either. Bryan Andrews has the handful of good moments in the fight scene, and then it goes to pot.

But it’s actually sort of worth it when you get to the end and Wright monologues about why he’s so invested in the stories of the (animated) Marvel Cinematic Universe. He’s just a Marvel Zombie. He’s just a mindless stan. It’s super appropriate for this show, which is entirely about creating variants to sell as in-app purchases or action figures. Disney’s taken the MCU so well in hand, the comics seem soulful in comparison.

Also, did they mean to air this after “Loki,” which establishes an even greater meta-power than the multiverse? Or weren’t the “What If…?” people allowed to see the real shows.

What If…? (2021) s01e08 – What If… Ultron Won?

Well. This episode’s mostly cheap, rather badly written (Matthew Chauncey gets the credit), rather badly acted, and the entire thing is just a setup for a cliffhanger with a very special guest star. The episode’s ostensibly about Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (Lake Bell showing Scarlett Johansson is actually better at this part than some people would be) as the last two humans fighting all the Ultron drones. There’s no big do-over on Age of Ultron scene because it’s one of the cheap episodes. The entire Renner and Bell plot-line is cheap. There’s a more expensive subplot, but the main plot is back to the series’s inability to work well within its budget.

Now, if James Spader had come back and actually given a good performance as Ultron, who knows what the episode could’ve been. Unfortunately, Spader’s failure in the movie to chew it up—I mean, it’s Joss Whedon’s fault but still—dashed hopes the MCU would ever get a great villain. They did years later, but it was a long stretch of blah bad guys.

Anyway.

Spader does not appear. Ross Marquand fills in for the part. Marquand’s awful. He’s so bad he makes Jeffrey Wright seem good. The B-plot is Ultron discovering the multiverse because he reads about Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness in Variety and realizes the multiverse isn’t just Wright’s secret anymore. Okay, not really, but it’d have been better. And cover some significant plot holes. Though the episode quickly reveals itself to just be a giant plot hole, with the occasional substantive material going down the drain. There’s one good movie reference, thanks to the voice actor (no spoilers, it’s a cameo, well, sort of). However, there are multiple movie references in the episode, and the rest of them are terrible because Renner’s got no time for the script. He sounds distracted through the whole thing, whereas Bell over-exerts.

The bad performance isn’t even her fault. Even if she essayed the poorly written dialogue better, there’d still be director Bryan Andrews’s terrible decisions for the character.

It’s a tiring, tedious twenty-some minutes (I think it’s the shortest episode, but I’m not willing to put the time in to check). Though doing a crappy setup for a two-parter (or three-parter, since next episode is the last of the season) is not an un-comics thing to do.

As for Wright, who gets more to do this episode than ever before… he’s a lot worse in the middle than at the end. He’s not good at the end, but he definitely is weathering the bad episode better than anyone else. Except maybe Toby Jones.

Thank goodness “What If…?” slowed its improvement roll. I was getting worried I’d have to be more bullish about it.