Category: ⓏⒺⓇⓄ
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No one in The 13th Warrior seems particularly thrilled to be participating in The 13th Warrior. Some people carry it better than others—Omar Sharif’s cameo is the only “good” acting in the film, as he translates and interprets events for lead Antonio Banderas, who can’t speak the common language with the Vikings they’ve come across.…
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I finished watching It Came from Beneath the Sea, which I regret, particularly because the whole reason I didn’t shut it down was for the big special effects finale, when the giant radioactive octopus finally attacks a city. Incidentally, it’s San Francisco, which doesn’t turn out to be anywhere near as cool looking as I…
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Released in 1998, Six-String Samurai makes the big move of using a very familiar piece of music from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack (Misirlou, which is also the music on the Pulp Fiction trailer) during a big action sequence. It’s not a bold move, because Samurai hasn’t got any boldness. It even walks back being tough…
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Terminator: Dark Fate is the fourth irrelevant Terminator 2 sequel. It’s not the worst of them, it’s not the best of them. But the poor rights owners just can’t seem to figure out how to franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger just can’t say no. If there’s a Terminator 7 in a couple years… Arnold will be…
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If I had to describe a feature of Jurassic World as saddest… I might find myself hard-pressed. There aren’t a lot of possibilities—worst, dumbest, cheapest, silliest, probably some others… but saddest is something different. When the film takes a pointless detour through the original visitor center from Jurassic Park, aged some twenty years and run…
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Sphere is not a justifiable use of eighty million dollars. I don’t think you could justify spending a dollar to rent a copy to watch, much less eighty million of them to make the thing. The big problem is the script. Whatever Kurt Wimmer (ominously credited with “adaptation”), Stephen Hauser, and Paul Attanasio did to…
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If you ever find yourself not believing in the idea that White people of wanting talent can fail upward, watch Jonah Hex. Every one of the principals from the film worked again when, based on the film as evidence, maybe John Malkovich should’ve gotten another job. Sure, Josh Brolin isn’t terrible in the lead, but…
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I’m not sure how Dirty Mary Crazy Larry played on its original release—like, did audiences actually sympathize with “leads” Peter Fonda and Susan George—but whatever shine time has scrubbed off it has left something of an endurance test. Fonda and Adam Roarke (who’s more the protagonist than Fonda and often more than George) are a…
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Even with conservative expectations, John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum disappoints. Even with adjusted expectations as the film progresses; the first act seems like it’s going to be a two hour real-time action extravaganza with lead Keanu Reeves fighting his way through seventies and eighties New York City filming locations, only with twenty-first century fight…
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I’m curious enough about The Battle of Jangsari I think I’m going to read War in Korea: The Report of a Woman Combat Correspondent by Marguerite Higgins, which might have some information about the actual battle of Jangsa-ri because there’s nothing on the Google not about the movie. The big details, which you assume the…
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If—and it's a big if—there's anything interesting about John Wick: Chapter Two as a sequel, it's how poorly the original filmmakers execute the sequel. It feels like a contractually obligated affair, only with the original principals returning. Well, save David Leitch who produced the first film and was the (uncredited) co-director. Guess we know who…
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At the end of Bad Dreams, as GNR’s Sweet Child of Mine starts up over the end credits… I thought, at least director (and co-writer) Fleming has good taste in music. Turns out he didn’t want the song and a studio exec with a better ear put it in the film. Bummer. It would’ve been…
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Spawn is really bad. It’s bad from the first frame, the first bad CGI vision of Hell. I’m not sure if it’s bad until the last frame, I didn’t bother with the end credits. But based on the music accompanying the start of the end credits… yes, yes, it’s bad until the final frame. Even…
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Lords of the Deep exists for reasons. Some of them seem interesting enough I’m disappointed the trivia section on IMDb doesn’t offer any explanations. But just going on what it’s like watching the film and what it’s good for? You hate top-billed Bradford Dillman and want to simultaneously be reminded why you don’t like him…
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The only name I recognized during C.H.U.D.’s opening titles—after the more obvious names in the cast—was casting director Bonnie Timmermann. Timmermann’s an A tier casting director; C.H.U.D. is a B movie with a lower A movie cast (I mean, John Heard and Daniel Stern are both capable of fine work and they would’ve been at…
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The funny thing about Luc Besson getting sued over lockout and losing—to John Carpenter, who sued based on the film’s similarities to Escape from New York and Escape from L.A.—is, yes, the film rips off Carpenter’s Snake Plissken duet, but it also rips off Die Hard and Die Hard 2 while seemingly reusing dialogue from…
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Until the third act, Super Inframan at least keeps a brisk pace. The movie’s got almost nothing going for it—other than Chen Yung—yu frankly courageous very seventies score and even it’s a small blip of goodness, not a positive feature—but at least it moves. It doesn’t drag through the entire third act, there are a…
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They filmed a lot of Zombie on location—New York City, the Dominican Republic, the ocean floor. For over half the movie, the location filming is the most important thing—if we’re going by what director Fulci showcases the most. Not even the gore gets a bigger showcase until the third act, though there are some rather…
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Deep Blue Sea is ten years too late. I knew the movie was about genetically modified sharks gone wild but the people are also stranded at the bottom of the ocean in a habitat thing. Deep Blue Sea isn’t just an amped-up Jaws movie with terrible CGI and a lousy cast, it’s a postscript in…
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Combination bad and stupid horror movie about Gabriel Byrne and his band of salvors (it’s a word in the dictionary!) find an empty ocean liner and think they’ve hit it rich. Unfortunately there are ghosts and other supernatural things going on, which start killing off the cast one by one. Who will survive? Will it…
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Boring Catholic propaganda pretending to be a cross-genre action horror picture. Park Seo-joon is an MMA fighter who has renounced God, Ahn Sung-ki is an exorcist who can’t find young priests willing to partner up. But then Park gets stigmata–a magical kind able to zap demons and they team up to take on demons. Not…
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Low budget oddity from director Hall (Sr.) promoting his son (Hall Jr.) as a blond Elvis-type, only Hall Jr. doesn’t have any discernible talent. Good hair volume though? Hall Jr. and girlfriend Marilyn Manning discover a caveman (Richard Kiel) living in the wilds of Southern California and Hall Sr., intrepid explorer, heads off to get…
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Despite sometimes exceptional direction from del Toro, Wesley Snipes’s second BLADE outing can’t overcome the terrible script (by David S. Goyer) or the awful supporting performances (everyone important except for Snipes and super-vampire-monster Luke Goss are atrocious). It also doesn’t help del Toro’s direction peaks in the first act–it’s a two hour movie and a…
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Misfire of a star vehicle for Wesley Snipes, though not through any fault of his own; he’s well-cast as the Marvel Comics vampire hunter, it’s just the insipid script (by David S. Goyer) is bad and Norrington’s downright silly and inept direction is even worse. Also the supporting cast is mostly godawful–Stephen Dorff and Donal…
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Rather terrible–but still on some levels competent–serial killer thriller about Keanu Reeves terrorizing Chicago in general and ex-FBI agent James Spader in specific. Really bad performance from Reeves (who did the film to fulfill a forged contract obligation) and Marisa Tomei (as Spader’s therapist and, natch, love interest). Rather elaborate Chicagoland filming but completely inept…
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Bad, but not unwatchable serial killer thriller about ace detective Henry Cavill–a British guy working as a Twin Cities cop (as a British expat), all while filmed in Canada–having obviously guilty suspect Brendan Fletcher in custody only he’s got an accomplice killing cops now. So Cavill has to go to judge-turned-vigilante Ben Kingsley for help.…
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Stupid even for a RAMBO movie final entry in the series as star (and co-writer) Sylvester Stallone doesn’t want to action hero in his seventies. Story involves Stallone’s surrogate daughter Yvette Monreal getting into trouble in Mexico, but it’s all just setup for Stallone to get to Rambo-out. No headbands or grunting though, unfortunately. But…
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Grandiose sci-fi adventure picture about a utopian future city; the only catch is everyone has to die at age thirty for population control. Michael York is a cop who executes those people who don’t want to comply; they’re called runners. Eventually York has to go on the run, aided by comely Jenny Agutter, pursed by…
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Oddly engaging Roger Corman/Vincent Price take on 15th century British monarch Richard III, who goes mad as he kills his way to the throne. Price’s overwrought monologues–Shakespeare through the less talented screenwriters–would be a glorious disaster if only the rest of the cast weren’t taking their jobs seriously. At the same time, it’s awesome to…
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World War II soldiers meet aliens picture isn’t good enough as a WWII movie or as an alien movie. There are some solid original ideas, but mostly there are just bad ripoffs of more popular sci-fi and adventure films. It doesn’t help a lot of the acting is real bad. Biff Manard’s legitimately great, but…
The Stop Button 